New to the forum, WAH 10/3/12

[notsurewhat2do]

This was a terrible weekend. Friday night on the way home from Basketball game, DD told me that she told a friend about the "dad situation" (as she calls it) and the friend was very sweet and hugged her, she said she almost started crying. It made me so unbelievably sad. Just that she HAS to explain anything to anyone because of what he is doing. Then Saturday DD went to Winter Formal. I texted H and told him it was that night and he asked what time, he'd come over. I told him and he came. It was so hard to watch him leave.... it made me miss him so much. We had normal conversation about stuff, christmas, dogs, etc. And then we took pix with DD. I am SO GLAD he came for DD. I know it meant a lot to have him experience it with her. She looked totally gorgeous. It would have made any dad proud. But for me, it was bittersweet. I hated watching him leave and me not know where he was going. So, this weekend was a weepy weekend. I tried to stay busy, but even then your brain still works a lot. I jut hate the run of emotions. One minute, I'm ready to throw in the towel and say yes, I'm ready to move on. The next I can't stand the thought. The next I'm so very angry and the next I just don't understand. I feel like it soooo very unfair of him. He SAYS he had months to think about this. Why can't he give me the same things. Why couldn't he talk to me first and us decide together. Don't people do that. Talk about how bad things are; decide together what is going to happen. How do you spring something on someone a expect them to be happy about it and move on within 2 months. SO NOT FAIR! I am speaking in generalities here because of MY situation, but I have no sympthay for anyone who does that to their spouse. The ONLY reason you should never talk to your spouse about divorce is if there is abuse involved and physical danger.

I hate being alone. I have never felt so lonely in my life!



OH YEA, another things. Friday, DD was sick when she got up. I texted him and asked him if could come over and check on her sometime during the day (remember, he doesn't have a job, does Lawncare, but it's Dec ... not much to do)ANd he said ... ah NO! I had it last Thursday and Friday, I don't want it again, plus I'm going out of town and don't want it again. I was like, this is YOUR child. And it must be nice to have money to go out of town. He responded. I'm not paying for a dime! My response, yea, I've heard that before. What am I suppose to do, I have to work. - by now, I'm made because I have a sick child and he isn't working, but only thinking about himself. He said he'd come over, and then explained what he is doing. Which is a hunting trip and it's paid for. I know who is going with, etc. I was fine after he explained and we even had convo about it. It's a cool deal. But Sunday afternoon, I saw on FB that one of the guys he is going with is still hunting in another state. So, I sent H a message that said, are you really going hunting.Please don't lie to me. You've hurt me enough aleady and lying to me only makes it worse. He said YES I leave Tuesday morning. I said Okay, I just don't want to tell DD and it not be true. What a but*hole. I just wanted him to help out with DD. He didn't even have to stay all day, just call and check on her and go by the house if needed. She was actually better by lunch and he did call her several times, I think. And texted her because he was shopping.

So, yes, even knowing he was shopping, probably for Home-Wrecker made me so very sad too. I'm glad he was shopping for DD. He always got her something - just from him, that I didn't get or pick out. And he always did my shopping, even if I made him a list. So, knowing that this year I won't get anything from him makes me so utterly sad too. The first time in 22 years that I won't get a gift from H. I told DD that I needed to know for sure, and she said she'd ask. I assume since she's not told me anything, that means he's not. Just a bottle of my favorite perfume would be nice. But I have to remember, that we are seperated and there's a very very good chance that we will never reconcile and I will never have another Christmas exchanging gifts with him. I am so not looking forward to Christmas morning.

I did get a text from him Sunday morning that said "So why was DD still out at 1:30?" I said we went back to a friends house after formal to hang out. I was with them. They watched a movie. He said, "oh, well she was calling me at 2:00am and I was already in bed didn't know what she wanted". He leaves his phone on vibrate so he never hears it. That will need to change when DD turns 16 in the spring.

But then last night I sent a text because the toliet in our hall bath won't stop running and even turing the water off at the valve didn't stop it. He's worked on it twice now, so I told him about it. He told me something to check and I already checked that. But he said he'd come by the house and check it today.

I'm having dinner tomorrow night with an older lady that went through this same thing 7 years ago. She and her ex was married for 26 years. He told her he wanted a divorce in April, but they continued to live together till their oldest got married in Oct. She then found out about OW. Anyways, something that she told me was that she did not love ExH anymore. After 7 years she doesn't love him. She also said that her boys (married with kids) say that their dad knows he missed up his life. She said it would take serious repentence on ExH's part and serious persuing of her for her to think about it. I can't imagine NOT loving H. That made me so very sad too..... SO, actually other than the little "tiff" H and I had Friday morning, he didn't nothing out of the ordinary this weekend to make me sad. I feel like the closer to Christmas we get, the worse it will be. I don't want to feel like this, I want to be jolly for everyone else. But my heart is in a million pieces with no recovery in sight .....