It's always interesting to hear the LBS side of things, too, about what will fix it for the WAS that is thinking about returning.
Originally Posted By: Bustorama
Your W's feelings are classic, Crimson (progressing towards trust, but not regaining "those feelings" -- sorry I just can't open my heart, I wish I felt it but I don't, I know you are awesome "on paper" and in some "intellectual way" but I am numb to you".)
My W's were identical.
I seemed "right around the corner" from reconciliation with my W for months. From my own experience and observing other sitches on here, being nice or making love deposits to her will not "make her" love you. Those things remove distrust, ease animosity and salve hurts. I see them as setting the stage -- they are prerequisites to her possibly becoming un-numb to you, of remembering the good way that you can be, how you can be loving and a source of emotional support for her. I also think they definitely maintain love and feelings of attraction if they are already present in a relationship. But they (in my opinion) won't open her heart back to you and get her to find her feelings for you, that she has wished she felt for many, many months now.
In the large majority of the sitches on here if you really look at them closely, what leads the WAS to the final stages of healing and the step back towards the relationship is when the WAS feels loss in any of 3 forms:
1) they feel the loss of the LBS from their life [because the LBS is no longer available to them to connect with either because the LBS has finally rejected the crumbs of the relationship or has moved on in some other way [dating, less accessible, pushing for divorce, etc.]) or
2) often relatedly, they feel they lost control of the relationship situation (they are no longer the one dictating who is together with whom) or
3) their fantasy of what life will be like without LBS is not happening (loss of the fantasy of life without LBS -- LBS was not the source of all evil).
I can say that for me, this would not turn me toward my H. It would actually do the opposite. I would be relieved, as there would no longer be any requirement for me to try to reconcile it all in my head. The decision would be made for me and I would be grateful. I would walk away, knowing there was nothing left for me to do, like I had already decided some time before when I walked away in the first place.
I'm not saying it never works, but I would question the authenticity of the R. Wanting something because you don't want to lose it, or don't want someone else to have it, is not the same as wanting something when you have the free and open choice to do so.
