Changing Directions

[mamabird]

I'm not sure if this made it easier or more difficult.

Yeah, I'm not sure about that either. On the one hand, I got a little of the validation I've been so desperate for. And now I have to admit to myself that I don't have to be alone forever if we D. I'm not an old maid, I am attractive to the people that I consider attractive. So now, when I start to feel low, I have this little thing to look back on. I still got it baby!

I am leaning towards "easier" I guess. So much of my hesitation around a split is about fear - fear of the unknown - fear of being alone - fear of not having enough money. Fear of not being loved. Well - I already am not loved (by H) so I guess I'm living that one now and surviving. We already struggle a little financially. And sleeping alone feels like being alone. In a way I feel like being on my own would be easier and a relief - in fact this little event is pushing me more towards the "it will be ok if we split" camp. Maybe I needed to feel a little of that so that if H takes that step, I will feel better about it. Or maybe I will eventually be the one to go.

I do know that I don't want another man to come between H and me again.