Wow I don't even know where to begin to start with this one. It will be a long one.... So Friday evening I ended up going out to dinner with a friend instead of Christmas shopping. Thought everything was fine. H tried to call me I didn't hear the phone, so when I see the call I text him and ask if everything is ok, he said it's fine but he needs to talk to me and asked when I would be home. I said I wasn't sure. He said not to worry about it, he will talk to me the next day.
Well I was out all day Saturday, so this morning I went downstairs to where H was watching tv and said you wanted to talk to me? He said never mind, he changed his mind. I said ok.... then he said he's done. I said done with what? He's says I'm done with all the drama! I told you this was over and you aren't listening! I asked what drama he was talking about since I haven't seen him in 3 days. He kept acting like I knew what he was talking about.
I finally got it out of him. Apparently my dear friend and seen his car parked at where they were holding his work party and she texted him and in his words, threatened him, I talked to her later, that's not true, she was looking out for the both of us, but MLCer's don't like ultimatums, so that was the only part of the text he focused on and the only part he told me about. He told me she had said she knew he told me he didn't lie to me and she knows he's at the party, if he didn't tell me by Saturday night she would (Later when I talked to her she filled me in on the parts he had let out, like how she started out with I wouldn't be a good friend to either of you if I didn't say something, then the part about the party and then she ended with missing the old, fun H and she had just meant hearing it from him would have been better than from her). I asked if he had talked to her about it because I was sure she didn't mean for it to sound threatening, he said no because he answers to no one.
So I got monster spew out the wazoo..... I pointed out this wasn't my fault. He went on to say he thought I knew about it and had people following him! I said absolutely not I'm not psychotic! To which he replied, how would I know? At that point calm flew out the window for me. I said I knew she had been working up that way that night and went out for a drink with a co-worker after, not my fault they went to the bar in the hotel the Christmas party was in. I guess he still didn't believe me. He went on to say his business is none of my business anymore, I said we are still married, he said only on paper sweetheart (at which point I wanted to punch him). I said whatever you have to tell yourself to make you feel better.
He fed me some line about leaving work early, doing something else that went wrong so he changed his mind and went to the party because male co-worker had been hounding him about it (gee the grain of truth in all the BS), and he thought he'd have dinner with male co-worker and his W..... in his mind no lying, nothing wrong. He went on to say male co-worker is such a good friend and has a GREAT life, beautiful wife, kids, etc...... after he stated he didn't want kids!!! I said is it really worth it trying to impress people who don't really matter?? And so what you have a great wife, and you don't see how lucky you are!!!! He was so pissed he re-stated how done he was and he was leaving. I said if you are so miserable that why are you still here???? He said he's filing tomorrow. I said fine, whatever you want to do. Re-stated how good he has it and how he doesn't realize how lucky is really it and then stormed upstairs to get ready for church.
He came up a few minutes later and kept going off about how he doesn't answer to anyone and said my dear friend is a bad influence on me (oooookkkkk). He said he had been thinking about asking me to go away with him for a weekend for awhile, but not anymore! (At which point I was thinking if you are so done why would you be thinking about that, but I didn't say anything). I said that's great, I'm being punished for something someone else did, I can't control other people! I was a sobbing mess at this point on the floor.
I went on the say you just don't get it, I'm not losing my H I'm losing my best friend, and I again listed all the things I would miss. I even added that we have a niece that I don't even know if I will get to meet and that's just sad, because if I can't have kids of my own at least I could be a really great aunt.
At which point he softened from monster and started apologizing. He said try to understand he was feeling attacked and feeling like I don't listen to him. I told him I understand and I understand what he is saying but understanding isn't accepting. He sat down on the bed pulled me up to sit with him. He said he didn't understand how I put up with him. I told him because he's my husband and I love him. I also said I miss him. I asked him if I could show him something. He said yes. I pulled out a scrapbook I had recently made of a the wonderful surprise trip he had taken me on for my 30th birthday. He enjoyed looking at it. We sat on the bed together in silence for awhile. He hugged me. He again said you win. I said it's not a competition, he said, "shhh." He was teary eyed and he asked how do we get past this.
I told him we are a team and we have always made it through anything life has thrown our way. I said we would work through it. He again apologized for everything he has done to me, I told him I forgive him. I told him I know we had a good marriage before, but I know we could have a great marriage in the future. He said what have I done? And he said I made him realize everything he would be giving up this morning.
Later he asked if I wanted to see pictures of the baby (I had earlier asked if he had had any) I said yes. We sat on the couch together and he showed me pictures. I asked does this mean I get to meet her? He said I think we can arrange that. Later he told me about a bunch of matches throughout the year, and said he has some more trophies to hang on the wall. He talked about me going with him to matches. He again asked something about how or why I put up with all this. I said because you are my husband and I love you, in good times and bad, joy and sorrow, sickness and health, I took those vows seriously. He said I'm sorry that I haven't. He also said he's changed a lot this past year.... said he doesn't get upset as easily (which I almost laughed at due to the earlier explosion). It was quite a moment. Later he went out with his brother, for his birthday. He was with the rest of the family too.
When he got home he was not the same. He was guarded and distant again. I knew the puppet master had been pulling the strings. I was in the kitchen baking cookies when he came in and wanted to talk. He said he was willing to try and work on things, but he doesn't want me to have any expectations (good thing I've been DB), or to get my hopes up, and there are things he likes now that he doesn't want to change. I asked like what. He said he's become closer to his shooting buddies, they are like family, I said that's fine I would never ask you to change that. He said he's closer to his mother (great) and sister, I said I've never stood in the way of any of your relationships, why would I now? He also went on to say I have to just stand up to his mother (yeah, ok) but that's not something I have to worry about right now.
He said right now what he's really liked about this past year is his freedom and shooting whenever. I pointed out I've never stopped him from going to any match EVER. I have never controlled him, he's just being selfish and not wanting to do anything but what HE wants to do (no I didn't say this to him).
I asked what his family said, and his response pissed me off. He said they are "concerned" about us getting back together. WTH?!?!? Then I realize I'm dealing with crazy people...normal people would want their family member to be happily married, especially to someone they were happily married to and gee, hasn't done a damn thing to deserve this! I told him I was a little offended by that. He went on to say he's stubborn and makes his own decisions and he's going to do what he wants to do, not what anyone else tells him. He's also standing by not feeling any love for me (which I think is crazy, and well part of the depression, which he still swears he's super great!)
He's absolutely refusing counseling again (I'm sure the family had something to do with that, they are all anti-help). He said he's glad it worked for me but he works through his own problems and he doesn't think a third party needs to be involved. He thinks we can talk through it, and have the hard talks. I said we can do that, but he needs to hear things I think that need changed too it can't be one sided. He enacted another sex ban. I think he does this because he feels our emotional connection then and it confuses him more.
So my expectations are securely planted at zero since I think he has a lot more internal work to do..... I am cautiously optimistic, because this is some progress I guess.... but I'm also terrified.....
Any and all thoughts and comments are welcome.....thank you all in advance.
