Changing Directions

[RegretfulLA]

Interesting evening tonight.

H and I went to a party together - a couple whose kid attends our kids' school hosted. We drove together but didn't interact much. We know a lot of the other parents so it was fine.

H got a ride home with our neighbor and I went on to another party - by myself. One of my former colleagues was hosting. I asked H if he wanted to come and he flatly declined.

Got there late - around 10. Got hit on as I was walking in the gate, by a guy going to another party ;-) It was great to see some of my old friends. I actually ended up talking to people I didn't know very well, which was fun and interesting.

One of the people I was talking to was someone I had a HUGE crush on but never really knew. He left about a year before I did and he worked in a different department so I never really got to know him... but man, I thought he was so hot.

Well, he started talking to me at this party. Very quickly turned into, "Wow, you look great." "I'm really attracted to you." This guy was NOT fooling around.

I do still wear my wedding ring and he was staring at it while flirting with me. Now either that means he's a bad man, or that I was sending some pretty serious signals out to him. I have to think that it's the latter...

Now before you all start beating me up, I'll share some secrets with you.

My first BF was the guy I had a crush on in high school and we got together after college. My H was the guy I had a crush on in jr. high and we got together at age 28.

I want to say I never had the "Jake Ryan" experience where it turns out that the hot guy that you like likes you back. Do I sound 16? Because I feel 16 right now. (look up the movie 16 Candles if you don't know who Jake Ryan is). Clearly I am a sucker for this kind of silly romantic scenario...

But I never thought I was pretty enough or attractive enough for that. My inner 16 year old, who is going "omigod, omigod, omigod" right now still thinks she doesn't deserve a hot guy.

Well, like I said... this guy made no bones about it. Interested - on some level I guess. I can't say I didn't flirt back. I wish I could say that. But I did, I flirted with him. Honestly, it felt pretty good. I've been rejected and rejected by H and here's this totally hot guy who wants me!

Now I know that if I pursue this AT ALL, it is absolutely over with H. I know I really can't have any contact with this guy. Yet with H threatening to leave it is tempting to put a back up plan in place. This is where I get in serious trouble. The need to feed the ego vs. the commitment that I made. My 16 year old's need to feel attractive. My 42 year old's need too. God I feel weak.

I mean, I am staring a potential OM3 in the face right now. With OM1, we really were just friends. He certainly never came on to me like that! With OM2, I was just looking for validation. With this guy, well, I'd say it's pretty clear that there's a mutual attraction there and that means EXTREME DANGER!!

Look how late it is. It's 2 am.

I drove home from the party with a smile on my face though. I couldn't help it...

[hopefulinga]

I'm glad you had such a good time last night. It sounds like you focused a lot on you and look how good that felt.

After your experience last night, it may be a good time to ask yourself some of the questions 25 asked you a while back about whether or not you believe that your H is capable of the M that you would like and if he can treat you the way you would like.I

I'm guilty of some of the same feelings that you have. I never thought I was good enough for someone attractive. My H is attractive, at least to me, but he is a bad boy, which I am also attracted to.

The fact that you had a crush on him while working, and I'm guessing married, is another sign that you have not been happy for a while.

There's a difference between honoring the committment you made and being miserable and unfulfilled for the rest of your life. I'm at the same cross road. I can honor my committment, but my H has made it pretty clear that "for worse" doesn't apply to him. I'm committed to trying to work on the M, but there does become a breaking point.

Looks like you have some good things to ponder over the next few days!

[theUF]

Hey, nice to hear you had a great time! Some extra attention feels good when things are low.

I'm not 100% up to speed on your sitch, but it seems complicated.

Like hopefulinga says, looks like you have some soul searching to do.

One thing comes to mind though, remember where YOU are in all of this. What you want deep down. I know that myself, I would feel more free to move on if I made the choice without being affected by some other woman(something unstable).

[RegretfulLA]

Thank you guys for being compassionate and understanding. I know there are people on here that would say that even considering someone else is just wrong.

But, I've been down this path before. I think it's my duty in all of this not to let what happened last time happen this time (texting gone seriously awry). I may just have to tell Jake Ryan, "Look, I'm not available right now, but who knows, maybe I will be in a few months." He is D so I am sure he understands that grey area between together and not together. In fact at one my point my H told me to "date other people" but I don't think he meant that, and I'm not about to find out the hard way.

Yesterday H and I did have a pretty good discussion and it gave me hope for the future, but Hopeful, you are right... maybe it will never be what I really need it to be. This is what happened w OM1 - his presence made me question what I had, and question whether it could be what I needed, but we had a very deep and somewhat unexplainable connection which complicated things tremendously. Jake Ryan is cute but I doubt we are going to connect on that level.

Certainly was a huge ego boost though!!! I think I have to put last night in my pocket and pull it out whenever I need a smile.

[Crazyville]

RLA, I totally get it. You know it's not a good direction to pursue at this point so we don't need to tell you that. I also get that it's a complete high, and there's nothing wrong with secretly enjoying it. There's a lot you have to resolve in your sitch already. I'm not sure if this made it easier or more difficult.

[RegretfulLA]

I'm not sure if this made it easier or more difficult.

Yeah, I'm not sure about that either. On the one hand, I got a little of the validation I've been so desperate for. And now I have to admit to myself that I don't have to be alone forever if we D. I'm not an old maid, I am attractive to the people that I consider attractive. So now, when I start to feel low, I have this little thing to look back on. I still got it baby!

I am leaning towards "easier" I guess. So much of my hesitation around a split is about fear - fear of the unknown - fear of being alone - fear of not having enough money. Fear of not being loved. Well - I already am not loved (by H) so I guess I'm living that one now and surviving. We already struggle a little financially. And sleeping alone feels like being alone. In a way I feel like being on my own would be easier and a relief - in fact this little event is pushing me more towards the "it will be ok if we split" camp. Maybe I needed to feel a little of that so that if H takes that step, I will feel better about it. Or maybe I will eventually be the one to go.

I do know that I don't want another man to come between H and me again.

[RegretfulLA]

One other thing - I am pretty sure H is aware what time I came in last night. It was after 1 am. I had to go into "his" room to use the bathroom. After I was done I came back into "my" room and was posting and I heard him get up and go downstairs so I am sure he saw the light on.

However - he didn't ask how my night was, and I didn't offer any info.....

[Breakdown]

Glad you enjoyed yourself and yes, it's always nice to feel attractive. Personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with enjoying a little innocent flirting. I think it reminds us that we are not defined by our spouse or our M.

I do not like the comment about a "backup plan" though. I realize you have a lot of conflicting feelings here, but that comment scares the hell out of me.

I know that myself, I would feel more free to move on if I made the choice without being affected by some other woman(something unstable).

Totally agree.

[hopefulinga]

So much of my hesitation around a split is about fear - fear of the unknown - fear of being alone - fear of not having enough money. Fear of not being loved.

I have the same exact fears. I think I'm getting beyond fear of the unknown, but am now facing the fear of being alone and not having H's companionship, even if it is yucky right now. I've always had a fear of not being loved, and said this morning that I would just like someone to love me for me.

[RegretfulLA]

The thought of a backup plan scares the hell out of me too. But for some reason, I have felt like I needed to have one. I guess I don't trust that my H can truly step up to the plate. I have IC on Weds and it should be an interesting discussion.

All of this is allowing me to start considering what life would be like without H. Not that this particular guy will have anything to do with it. But in my mind it was like a knock on the head from the universe telling me "Hey! There are many more fish in the sea!"

Re: not feeling loved... Well, the idea of feeling loved is a pretty powerful motivator. I understand the idea of loving oneself first, and that's been the hard part for me. I am being rejected every day and I struggle against it every day. It's all a waiting game now and I really don't expect H to come around - he doesn't want to.