Yes, I guess my questioning your motives is based in trust. And, if I were to be honest, there is also some trepidation. How far can this go before it putters out. How far can this take me down my path. How close can this get me to my goal. How much am I leaning on you for my needs. All that said, I have a bit of a catch22. Actually, and this just occurred to me, what I have with you right now feels like...oh, can it be? It is starting to feel like a test. I have found myself in a situation where I can either pull out because I fear it may not get me to where I want or I can trust that it will get me to where I need to be...I pulled out of M1 because I didn't get what I wanted, I "checked out" on M2 because I was afraid I would loose what I had, I feared that speaking out would not get me to where I needed to be with her...yikes.
What do I want...I know exactly what I want. I have full control over many of those thing, a degree of control over some of those things, and very little control over the rest. And, as is usually the case, I am working on an inverted scale. The things I want the most I have the least control over...
or do I...
Will acting on the things I have full control over lead me to those I have the least control over, making them one in the same? That would be nice.
On a positive note I actually think I am now doing what I want. I don't have all I want, but I am doing all I can that is within my control. My heart hurts, and yes, I even shed tears, but I am doing it. Something I work to stay away from is trying to do one thing to get another. But, I would by lying to myself if I didn't admit there was some of that happening. But as it appears in my mind I simply allow it to fade rather than to suppress it.
