My trust in others? I what respect? In general? In love? In commitment?
In love I guess my trust for others in a direct reflection of how I would trust myself in the same situation. So right now not too high. Maybe a 5. I wasn't trustworthy with X1 and I know the X2 knew a lot more than me well before D was the only option but chose to do it her way. Chose to wait for me to change rather than sharing her needs with me in a direct way - she knew something I didn't know and didn't tell me - not very trustworthy. For X2 maybe a as well.
So in relationships in general my trust is not too high right now mainly because of the lack of trust I have in myself. I knew so much, even when I didn't know what was wrong, I knew something was wrong and didn't do anything, until it was too late. And if I don't trust myself to a high degree how can I trust others to a high degree...
Yes, I'm trapped. I had something that was great with X1 and gave up on it. I had a love that was awesome with X2 and was so sensitive to loosing it I did nothing which led to me loosing it. M1 was a very safe and secure place with lots of love. M2 was a very, very deep place full of primal emotions and being in love.
I had two things at different times in my life that so many people are looking for. I had them both and I either gave up on them(M1) or lost sight of what was important(M2).
Truth is, I could give you a reason why I do this, if you want. And truth also is, I never think about why I do this kind of thing. I just do it.
Interesting your question of why I do this could simply be curiosity, it also has a basis in trust.
And I'm glad that you recognize that your trust of others is based in your trust of yourself.
I want to put out a completely mind messing idea out there to you in regards to "why" this conversation is taking place. The answer to that question is, because you chose to have this conversation and you chose to have this conversation, with me. Everything in your life that has happened and you have chose has led to having this conversation...
It... is your choice...
So, that's the segue...
What will you choose, now?
What do you want? Which may be different than what you are doing right now and the direction you find yourself going in.
Yes, I guess my questioning your motives is based in trust. And, if I were to be honest, there is also some trepidation. How far can this go before it putters out. How far can this take me down my path. How close can this get me to my goal. How much am I leaning on you for my needs. All that said, I have a bit of a catch22. Actually, and this just occurred to me, what I have with you right now feels like...oh, can it be? It is starting to feel like a test. I have found myself in a situation where I can either pull out because I fear it may not get me to where I want or I can trust that it will get me to where I need to be...I pulled out of M1 because I didn't get what I wanted, I "checked out" on M2 because I was afraid I would loose what I had, I feared that speaking out would not get me to where I needed to be with her...yikes.
What do I want...I know exactly what I want. I have full control over many of those thing, a degree of control over some of those things, and very little control over the rest. And, as is usually the case, I am working on an inverted scale. The things I want the most I have the least control over...
or do I...
Will acting on the things I have full control over lead me to those I have the least control over, making them one in the same? That would be nice.
On a positive note I actually think I am now doing what I want. I don't have all I want, but I am doing all I can that is within my control. My heart hurts, and yes, I even shed tears, but I am doing it. Something I work to stay away from is trying to do one thing to get another. But, I would by lying to myself if I didn't admit there was some of that happening. But as it appears in my mind I simply allow it to fade rather than to suppress it.
I guess this goes along with the trust thing. I guess I don't truly believe in unconditional love. Unconditional? really? Maybe from a parent to their child. But, honestly, beyond that is their really anything that is unconditional? If they cheated on you, if they physically hurt you? I guess one can say that they still love someone even though they did those things to them but I don't think we are talking about the same kind of love there. I guess I am thinking about unconditional as meaning that one will never leave, no matter what, I don't think that exists.
I could donate my time and volunteer and not expect anything in return but I couldn't do that with love. It "sounds" nice but if I am in love with someone and am sharing that love with them I would want them to do the same.
Love myself? I never really thought if or if I didn't "love" myself. I've been happy with myself, I've accepted myself, I believe I am special enough to be worth others love. But "love" myself - I think I just define love in a different way. Perhaps it's just as simple as using different words that really mean the same thing.
I believe is soul mates and I believe she is mine. But, unconditional? Truly unconditional? No matter what? Physical abuse? cheating? etc. There are always conditions...
<To go back to your original query of whether you should just move on from X2 or try to work on things, have you made a decision, yet?> No, my feelings on this have not changed. What has changed is that while I still want to contact her and put the questions to her at some point in the future if I feel I am ready, I am not focusing on it. As I said before, someone has to do it. Someone has to reach out. She did it the first time so I'll do it the second time. But I think now I want to give her more space. I want to allow her to see how it is without me. This is not about going dark or anything like that. She feels that she needed to detach, how will she ever know if she can reconnect if she doesn't get a taste of how it is when we are disconnected. If it is meant to be, if it is really what I think it is, 6 mnths, a year, 2 years won't matter. We fell into each others arms the moment we saw each other after 20yrs, if it's real, it's real...
Also something that is a bit different. I no longer think there is something "to work out" with her. The only person I need to work something out with is myself.
My "game plan" is this: continue down this path I have created. When I am ready and if I still feel the same then I will reach out to her. What she does with that is up to her. (I say "if I feel the same" not because I doubt how I feel or will feel but because it might just not feel like it's the right time)
I've read through most of this thread and felt as though I were reading my own H's possible postings 5-10 years into the future. I've learned a lot, so thank you for sharing, 4311, and for your amazing insides, Kaffe.
I've read through most of this thread and felt as though I were reading my own H's possible postings 5-10 years into the future. I've learned a lot, so thank you for sharing, 4311, and for your amazing insides, Kaffe.
I'm happy what I am going through seems to have helped others. tori - if you see this coming, and you don't want it to happen, please don't be passive. I knew I should have done more - if you can see you need to do more, please, do it...
