TheUF - Changing gears - Dropping the rope?

[chatterbug]

My X stopped by today to pick up S. It was all good mood.
I am supposed to have S from Friday to Sunday and last half of Monday(christmas eve)
She said she wanted him on Sunday as she would not see him alot during christmas and I said it was OK.
She then said "I've asked to change shift at work on christmas eve, I don't think it will be any problem. If it works out, we can eat christmas breakfast together."
I don't know if she ment her and S, or the three of us, and I didn't ask either. I just acknowledged that I heard what she said. Time will tell anyway.

Why? Why would you not clarify. And then offer a I will think about it or a yes or a no. This is part of the issue you have addressed as : I was not around.

You really should look at separating it to 1. Being away. 2. Coming across as you do not care when you do.

You see now you have set yourself up for a possible conflict because you have no idea if she walked away with an agreement or a decision on that conversation. You are working on your communication skills. So these are the times that you should step up and communicate your thoughts on the issue. Remember it is your time. It is yours to offer up as a shared day or not seeing your son on that day. She watches these conversations. When you lead you build respect. Leading here is listening. Acknowledging and making a decision. It does not have to be immediate. But it has to happen within a timely manor. Stop with the validation , validation , validation. It is a zero sum game that is not communication. It is a tool to be used on deflating anger , fear ....etc... without not offering anything of substance. Validation is just acknowledging yea I heard you when you know that is all your role is in the conversation.

Communication. You missed out on a conversation here. So I recommend while the conversation is fresh that you followup on the conversation on the open ended part of xmas eve and chirstmas morning. Just be truthful that you are unsure of what Lady UF expectations were for that time. If she was asking to join in on your time with you and your son. ( I think it would be a mistake to give up that time. This is a consequence to choices. Truth darts. I think if she expected to take him I would say no that you have compromised on some time already and that you really want to be with you son. )

This is something you should really address here. As it is an issue I see with you. Communication and sense of urgency. Work this out within yourself and you will see communication with LadyUF and yourself improve greatly ( as well in other communications with everyone around you).

Since yesterday I've spent many hours going over the concept of boundaries.

Even started reading a book about it.
It turned out to be focused almost entirely around religion, and as I am not a religious man I found it a bit hard to balance religion with phsycology. It seems to have good points though.

I realize it's going to take more work and reflection than I thought, but I've got a good starting point laid out. Even got to use one point today, which worked out just how it should.

I realize that I've got to be consistent in putting boundaries related to my work. (and saying no in general) That seems to be the biggest imbalance in my life. I see now that I've spent too much time at work and it's an evil circle :

Too much time at work/never saying no ---> guilt towards friends and family ---> tries to do as much as possible for everyone when home with no time for everything, a lot of stress and half a$$ed commitments ---> OR is exhausted and does nothing at all ---> feels bad when saying no to work b/c I never do.

That only left me with feelings of being inadequate and unfulfilled. I'm glad I've started being more balanced on this point already, and I need to work more on it and be consistent.

Of course other boundaries need to be worked on as well. Disrespect, cake eating, guilt trips/manipulative behaviour, lying etc.

A great way to set a boundary at work on hours is to address the issue of time management.

You have x amount of work hours and x amount of free time , x amount of sleep , x amount of day to day stuff , x amount of son time.

So build a schedule and manage your time.

You know your current schedule. You know your current time with son. You know your current work schedule to maintain your home and you know your current GAL activities.

So map it out. Schedule things. So when the question of can you do this at work , home , friends comes up.

You can look at your schedule and say yes, no , or lets work out an alternate solution.

Which goes back to what I said in the other area.

Communication and sense of urgency... Except here that urgency is with yourself.

A good first boundary to build on.

What your time is worth to yourself.