Honestly Kaffe, it depends on what kind of "bad man" you're referring to. If you're referring to someone that's a murderer, then no he's not. But other than that, for all the other horrible things he's done, then in my opinion he's 3/4 turned to the dark side!
I know he doesn't want to abandon his children, but he sure the hell doesn't seem to want more to do with them than he has to either.
The only thing that's proven true to get more acceptable behavior from him is for me to let him have his way on everything, never tell him no, let him cross boundaries and let him think he's still in control and his still #1 priority in this house even though we're divorced and separated a long time.
Basically if I kiss his A$$ Kaffe, have no expectations, ask nothing of him and let him do as he pleases, with the children, come and go as he pleases, let him insert himself and withdraw himself in my life when he pleases, then all is good.
More acceptable behavior from him? Emotional availability for starters would be nice. Making more of a point of making a personal connection with them. Taking an interest in their personal likes, dislikes. Listening to them and how they feel when they try to tell them. He didn't speak to his girls for 5 days the last time they spoke their feelings to him about not wanting to spend Thanksgiving with him. All 3 of us spoke as kindly and patiently as we could to him, but of course within a few minutes it was all my fault once again.
There is absolutely no reasoning with this man unless I let him have his way on everything he wants and expects. And what he wants and expects have only one person's agenda in mind, and that's his own.
At the end of the day, how you feel about your H's actions is very likely how my W feels about my actions. As though I've abandoned the kids, become a part time dad, only being with them when it's convenient for me. Which, from where I stand, is as far from my truth as could be.
So I understand how frustrated you are with your H's actions. What I do know is, my W probably has expectations of me in regards to my relationship to our kids. And what I also know is, I'm doing the best I can, no matter how it might appear, to my W.
I just received two texts today from him asking about presents for D13, telling me his schedule (which hasn't been given to me in a month) and what time he should pick them up Christmas Eve. Just as nice and happy as if the crap that went down at Thanksgiving didn't happen. I had text him two times in the last two weeks and not ONE RESPONSE. Now, gee I guess we're cool?
D10 says " well mom Susan went back to work. He's home at home now and she's gone."
I swear ever since he got involved with OW I see this "when the cat's away the mice will play" sort of behavior with him.
I don't even know if I should respond back or not. I don't want to play games, but at the same time I swear talking to him about anything is futile. Before you know it he'll be spewing on me about something in the next month as it is. I want to be the bigger person but I also want to show him how it feels to be ignored, frozen out and dismissed at the same time. I know two wrongs do not make a right, but Im sick of trying to get along with this man, because he's impossible to get along with.
Me not responding would be a complete 180.
I just want peace, and at this point and time the only thing that seems like it would bring peace is to just completely block him out of my life completely.
Kimmerz, Don't lower yourself to his level. Keep in mind that he is texting you about gifts for your daughter. He only has a week left to do his "Santa" shopping and it must have struck him today that it's a week away.
I would roll all of your responses to his multiple texts into one text and let that be it for today and I would respond later in the day, don't do it right away because that's what he wants you to do.
Yes, when the cat's away, they come out to play. Also, the holidays tend to bring the crazymaking out to play as well. They want to "appear" as the best parent ever who wants the best of their children. Don't be surprised if he spends quite a bit of money on the gifts. Some tend to do that to impress others. I would provide him w/some high end gifts and see what he has to say about it.
I know that you are sick and tired of this nonsense, but right now, you have to consider your daughters and the holidays. You do want him to try to get something that they would like? At least he is asking and not just "assuming" on gifts.
Oh, yeah, the Thanksgiving situation is now history and it's been swept under the carpet by him...it's a new day, new holiday w/him. It's the mlc mind thinking. Hopefully he will settle down after the holidays.
You will never fully get peace while he's alive and breathing, especially w/having children together. The best thing you can do is learn to choose your battles w/this man. My advice, try to get through the holidays as best you can and after the new year, only respond to the texts that you feel are important. Consider him a lonely, insane man or teenager who can't let mom be, who wants to send you a postcard periodically from the loony bin. Once you can detach more and not react to his crazymaking ways, you'll begin to see the humor in some of his antics. Right now, you are still too up close and personal w/his antics and it is aggravating you. BTW, he knows that he's bugging the crap out of you because he knows you very well. Don't take the bait he's offering up in the way of getting you to react.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I don't think Im going to respond at all about anything.
All he wanted to know what what size shirt for D13. He can ask her dutiful aunt that wanted to know for herself this year, ya know the aunt that encouraged him to get sole custody of the kids in the first place.
The kids always make a christmas list, he can figure that out himself he's always been Mr. Christmas, he can do it on his own.
As far as when he picks up the girls on Chritmas Day I think I'll let the girls handle that one.
Im sorry... I am so burnt by this man I can't even find it in me to extend any desire to get along for the sale of Xmas.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
D10 seems to be opening up more and more about the conversations she has with XH.
As of last night I was told by D10 that XH told her " I can't reply to your mother's text's because my Wifi doesn't always work right on my phone".
You know I can't help but feel he's trying to send some sort of message to me through the child! So far I got from my daugther that OW went back to work, he's getting a land line so the girls can talk to him, he can't respond to my texts because his WIFi doesn't always work through the phone, and then I start getting messages from him again.
I know, I know... I will never get peace as long a I live and breathe.
I think if I get remarried or involved with another man he'll finally back way off. Maybe it's time to start some rumors about another man to see if it helps. I mean these things he's doing and saying are really harmless, they are. They don't hold any water unless I allow it to. But it really irritates me that the man can't be direct and communicate if his life depended on it. Passive Aggressive at it's finest I guess.
You may want to rethink the "rumors about another man". Why? Because he may get even worse and you may have him in your driveway more than what you do now. Also, he will then give your D10 the third degree even more so.
What he's doing is just called "annoying the h@ll out of you". I'm sure he gets all of you text messages just fine. He's telling your daughter that so that she will run back and tell you about it. Ignore anything that comes out of his mouth unless it is truly something you need to know about.
PA at its finest.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I just got hit by some more info from D10. At this point Im wondering if I should just put a "gag" order on her, meaning I don't want to hear ANYTHING ABOUT HIM.
d10 has two Christmas school performances today. One in the afternoon and then one this evening. XH went to the one this afternoon and then told her " I might come to the one this evening". Ok we've made a point to go to her concerts separately just not to see eachother. Apparently OW has grandchildren in the grade school, I didn't know this. Perhaps she wants to come see her grandchildren, though she's never gone to see them before!
Then of course he's telling the girls "we went to see The Hobbit".
I swear if I see them together at the concert tonight Im going to have to walk out because I might just snap. I have never seen them together, nor have I seen OW in several years.
Its probably just me. It's probably him just living his life and not even giving me a second thought and it's me that's getting all these ideas in my head.
Since we already know that our dear MLCers love to act up more at this time of the year, it may be a possibility that he is going to the performance tonight with OW to get to you.
Don't let him do it!
Prepare for the worst case scenario... picture them there together, and prepare your response.
I vote for one with an "I don't give a sh!t" feel to it
Smile, be merry and gay, and enjoy your D.
Good luck, let us know how it goes
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
