<You led X1 on to believe that you loved her and were committed to her, yet you concede you were lying to her> Not exactly. I did love her and at the time I did think I was committed to her. Well, maybe not totally. If I was asked if X2 came into the picture before D1 I could see myself either leaving or seriously considering it. Levels of commitment I guess - just being honest.
<you "settled" for X1> I guess you could look at it this way. If so I'm in trouble because I've been around this earth for quite a while and no one has come close to what I have for X2 - so I guess I'm always going to have to settle a little bit if Take 2 of X2 never happens...
<How can you be MORE committed to another over your own self interest?> Well, it depends. What do you see as my self interest in this equation? Is me not being engaged or escaping based on self interest? I guess it could be except for the fact that I feel I didn't know I was escaping. If I didn't know, how could it be seen as not being committed to X2?
<What's the deal with trusting in others?> I'm not sure about this one. Are you saying you see me as doing one or the other? Being committed to myself or being committed to someone else, but never a balance of the two. Yes, I guess so, even though I didn't define it as not being engaged - I knew their were things in M1 and M2 that I wanted but didn't have....uh, almost every time I think you are pulling something out of nowhere I then see it as true...I left M1 - me choosing me over X1. I didn't ask for things I wanted in M2 - me choosing X2 over me. And the G*d damn awful point is that me choosing X2 or me is what caused me to loose X1 - huh! But, it's not that simple, because if I was simply choosing X2 over me that would be bad enough. But I was also escaping form that reality, not letting my self see it, and thus not being able to fix it because I wasn't seeing it. Damn it...I know I have a stake in this and I always want to own my part - but damn it, I did this...
