Nero, I do wonder what he thinks I think. I feel like he tries to hide his secrets because there is that guilt and shame of what he is doing. If OW is so great, then why doesn't he leave me to be with her? Hey, make the R official! Truly, he uses both of us.
It is hard when the rose colored glasses come off and we see our spouse, and ourselves, in a not so flattering light.
I guess where I'm at now is that I feel that I do still love him, but have lost so much respect for him. Plus, I don't trust him in any way.
me too! BUT - i don't know - without the rose colored glasses - maybe i don't have one thing that is real. not one...
if the man is "fake" - what the heck is the r? or my feelings for him (?) or it, etc. see what i mean? if the entire thing is based on an in-authentic person- who exactly was i in love with- ??? did he even EVER exist??? or the 35 yr "dream sequence" in a b movie????
so, how the heck does one LOVE someone like this/that? i'm askin ya. at some point i was saying i still felt "love" - now i don't even know. (i feel kinda sick to say that out loud ). how sad is that?
when i have a moment of (db type) clarity and buy into the whole "he's in pain- confused- not himself/nuts" thing- i can stomach it and proceed.
THEN - intellectual reality hits - and i ask myself what sort of man i "WILL HAVE" in the end, if he comes thru this to some "other side" and is still even in my life- or realizes that we should have a r - the fact remains that if he's always been a lying person- whether i've known or not- that is what he is.
the sort of person i'd never ever have gotten to know or involved with in the first place. clash of worlds here - - -
and what the heck does a person do with that knowledge ???
so- not enough sleep last nite- canyou tell??? oh well- another of life's big questions for which there is NO RIGHT OR WRONG answer. i hate that about real life- the lack of a clear road. maybe that's the big plus of religion - or total self-righteousness - YOU always KNOW the answer and blam thru life accordingly. this is rite- this is wrong- you're all goin down...
i'd like to capture one little bit of that feeling- total certainty please...
thanks for thoughts- i guess we bumble thru- with all our unsolved puzzle peices and wait for the day something "fits" together. is that all there is???
i keep writing and erasing- i'm so exhausted of trying to say whatever it is (i don't really know) i think i'll just go away- eat a cookie or two and clean this awful house once and for all. need to visit my mom too - (duty-guilt-whatever)
thanks for input- it's the hardest "journey" i'm ever likely to make- wish me lots of luck with not picking up this phone today- treading on very very dangerous ground and know it-
maybe i'll hang a stfu sign on the phones- yup- that's what i'm going to do- knowing he saw her this weekend because of his silence - i just walk by THE PHONE cursing him out anyway-
