Some progress after 2+ months of DBing

[ForeverYoung]

You can't be expected to read his mind, so don't change your future behavior based on complaints like this or you will get more of the same. Tell him if he wants you to come get him for the show, he has to let you know, and you'd be happy to oblige.

(like any Good Wife) haha, don't say that.

[Wendylon]

Thank you for that advice, FY. It makes lots of sense.

He's fine today but not apologetic. I asked if he was still grumpy this morning and he said he wasn't. He commented on what a long sleep he'd had and I said something to the effect of him needing it. That was the extent of it.

H said he'd think of dessert for our Xmas meal. I realise that I like being sole charge. I didn't want to dampen his enthusiasm but I'd rather be in charge. He probably won't follow through though...

[mamabird]

H said he'd think of dessert for our Xmas meal. I realise that I like being sole charge. I didn't want to dampen his enthusiasm but I'd rather be in charge. He probably won't follow through though...

I like being sole charge too!! I took on Thanksgiving by myself - gladly. It was turkey plus quite a few sides - 6 maybe. I get that! But I'd say let H help if he wants to.

Well, you can't mindread, but H of course felt HURT that you didn't come get him. It makes him think he's not important enough to you. My H would pull that crap all the time - he's hurt but it comes out like grump. Sometimes I was not in the mood to tolerate it.

Good for you on the hug. Any thoughts about initiating anything more?

[tori2012]

Wendylon, a couple of things:
1. Your H was just being cranky--don't take what happened too seriously. Do you think the whole holiday/family vs. "I-don't-know-what-will-happen-with-my-life" isn't getting to him? Of course it is.
2. DO let him come up with dessert. This is a perfect 180 opportunity. I made the mistake to want to be in charge of holidays and my H felt left out and that he wasn't good enough. Trust me. Be excited about his choice even if it's your least favorite. How bad can a bad dessert be, anyway? :-)

[ForeverYoung]

I agree with regretful and tori to let H come up with desert. And since you are convinced he won't follow through, I suggest you ask him in a non-confrontational manner (while there is still time for him to recover) what desert it is he decided to make/provide.

Since providing desert was his idea, asking him about it is a perfectly harmless way to help him become more accountable for his words/commitments. If he drops the ball and you pick it up without a word, expect more of the same from him. If you complain after the fact... well you know how that will turn out.

[~ kd ~]

I would go even further than FY's suggestion.

Your H said he would come up with desert. Have no expectations one way or the other that he will or will not.

If he does, great. If he doesn't that's OK. No need to prod him about it before the fact. And no need to judge him after the fact, if he does not produce or if he does not produce to your expectations.

Would the event fail completely if he forgot desert? If there was no desert? Is this an issue about whether he can keep his promise or not and if he does not provide desert, it just further proves that he either lied or just too self absorbed to care about anyone else?

Just food for thought...

[mamabird]

Or you could get some ice cream and have it on hand in case he flakes out. That's what I'd do. Give him every chance to succeed - but have a back up plan in place!

[MKB23]

I am sorry I haven't checked in. My impression was that H was upset that the canadian was getting your attention. Perhaps I am off base though.

If it was me, I wouldn't mention desert. At. All. Let it go. He knows what he said. I also wouldn't have a back up plan. That's just me though. It's not up to you to continue to look after him. One of your biggest issues seems to be his lack of follow through. By continuing to fix things he never will change or even have incentive to want to.

It does sound like you are continuing to make progress though!
I'm glad to hear it!

[Wendylon]

Thank you so much all of you who chimed in on the dessert topic, Regretful, FY, Tori, Melissa and Kaffee Diem! I'll have some ice-cream in the freezer and leave it at that. We have some mince pies so all will be fine whatever he does and at least he's being a bit more involved. Reading all your replies really helped let go of the outcome in terms of whether or not he follows through.

H kissed me on the mouth yesterday as he left. It really took me by surprise. I can't remember when he last did that.

I was very good at biting my tongue yesterday evening. He kept getting the Roquefort out of the fridge and slicing off a pretty big chunk, eating it, wrapping it up and putting it back in the fridge. He did it at least 3 times, maybe 4. In the past, I would have DEFINITELY made a comment. He's always saying that he's only going to eat cheese as a condiment! So much for that.

On Sunday, I suggested we have dessert when we were out. He said 'Go ahead, twist my arm'. He had a chocolate pudding. He's not losing weight but at least he's not sneaking around and eating in secret. I much prefer him being more transparent. I will need to bite my tongue though if he starts complaining about not having lost any weight. I feel like saying that, like everyone else, his weight makes perfect sense! I know that would be a really annoying thing for him to hear! I would get the 'being right booby prize'.

[ForeverYoung]

I would get the 'being right booby prize'.

Never heard that one before... I love it!