Changing Directions

[RegretfulLA]

Interesting evening tonight.

H and I went to a party together - a couple whose kid attends our kids' school hosted. We drove together but didn't interact much. We know a lot of the other parents so it was fine.

H got a ride home with our neighbor and I went on to another party - by myself. One of my former colleagues was hosting. I asked H if he wanted to come and he flatly declined.

Got there late - around 10. Got hit on as I was walking in the gate, by a guy going to another party ;-) It was great to see some of my old friends. I actually ended up talking to people I didn't know very well, which was fun and interesting.

One of the people I was talking to was someone I had a HUGE crush on but never really knew. He left about a year before I did and he worked in a different department so I never really got to know him... but man, I thought he was so hot.

Well, he started talking to me at this party. Very quickly turned into, "Wow, you look great." "I'm really attracted to you." This guy was NOT fooling around.

I do still wear my wedding ring and he was staring at it while flirting with me. Now either that means he's a bad man, or that I was sending some pretty serious signals out to him. I have to think that it's the latter...

Now before you all start beating me up, I'll share some secrets with you.

My first BF was the guy I had a crush on in high school and we got together after college. My H was the guy I had a crush on in jr. high and we got together at age 28.

I want to say I never had the "Jake Ryan" experience where it turns out that the hot guy that you like likes you back. Do I sound 16? Because I feel 16 right now. (look up the movie 16 Candles if you don't know who Jake Ryan is). Clearly I am a sucker for this kind of silly romantic scenario...

But I never thought I was pretty enough or attractive enough for that. My inner 16 year old, who is going "omigod, omigod, omigod" right now still thinks she doesn't deserve a hot guy.

Well, like I said... this guy made no bones about it. Interested - on some level I guess. I can't say I didn't flirt back. I wish I could say that. But I did, I flirted with him. Honestly, it felt pretty good. I've been rejected and rejected by H and here's this totally hot guy who wants me!

Now I know that if I pursue this AT ALL, it is absolutely over with H. I know I really can't have any contact with this guy. Yet with H threatening to leave it is tempting to put a back up plan in place. This is where I get in serious trouble. The need to feed the ego vs. the commitment that I made. My 16 year old's need to feel attractive. My 42 year old's need too. God I feel weak.

I mean, I am staring a potential OM3 in the face right now. With OM1, we really were just friends. He certainly never came on to me like that! With OM2, I was just looking for validation. With this guy, well, I'd say it's pretty clear that there's a mutual attraction there and that means EXTREME DANGER!!

Look how late it is. It's 2 am.

I drove home from the party with a smile on my face though. I couldn't help it...