The green green grass of home. (Part 2 )

[Soul.Searching]

The last goodbye,.... I did it and it hurts like hell!
H has been spending a fair bit of time here the last week or so. Only day visits but still. He had been putting his arm around me, grabbing me, stealing a kiss etc.
so lastnight I tried to call him about Christmas and he didn't answer his phones.
well today was D's concert. I asked him if he spent the night with "her" lastnight, he said yes. I also worked out that he had spent the day before at the park with her and her kids. I told him that maybe we shouldn't hang out anymore. He asked why and I told him that it hurts too much. His over her touching and cuddling me when he wants to be with someone else. He said he didn't mean it like that. Whatever that means!

So I told him we could be friendly but not friends. I told him it hurts me to see him with the kids. It hurts to hang out when I know he wants to be with someone else and not me. I told him I removed him from my newsfeed, so I couldn't see that girl liking all his status updates.

I gave him a cuddle and told him to take care of himself. I had tears, I tried so hard to hold them back. He was solom.
He said if that's the way I want it, he said if that's what helps me.

So it's done! I feel like in one way I have just made it easier for him to go to her.
I feel like I just gave in and stood down. It hurts soo much.

It hurts to have him here knowing his heart is somewhere else. I love him so much.
It was starting to make me feel like OW. I don't want that. How can someone feel like OW to their own husband. It's not right.

I don't know if I have made the right decision or not but its done.
I was going to wait until after New Years but I needed to let go of my fears.
Fear was the only thing stopping me from doing it.
I'm still scared, scared if I made the right decision or not.

I just can't be a door mat anymore. I'm worth more than that.

The hard thing is D was so happy to have him spending time here and I feel like I just took that away from her.
This is so darn hard. I feel like I'm the WAS but I don't wanna be.

I'm so hurt and confused right now. It's going to be so hard.