My Fears in GALing

[newman7977]

Hi JB thanks for stopping by.

Yep, I'm not doing good in detaching. I mean, there are days that I'm ok but for the most part I'm not. And that's what I thought that it will be easier to detach if we separate.

But how many LBS' push for separation? Why would I even do this? This is what I'm contemplating and talking about dropping the rope and shifting the sitch, is to initiate separation.

So I'm flip flopping...I think you are right though, if there's physical separation let her initiate it, let her push for D. Unless she continues with OM, that's the boundary I've establish with her. I won't be part of this if she continue with OM.

So what I do now, I do a lot of 180s...and taking care of the kids.

I'm basically doing a balanced GALing since one of her complaints is that in the past I gal'd too much.

My only true GAL right now is that, cycling. Yes I go with our local group every Sat morning. It's the best man, I can put my sitch aside and just hang out with these guys, they don't know my sitch--its truly refreshing and the outdoors is great. But see this is nothing new, I was doing this before the INILWY bomb. I did this for my health--Drs. order to exercise, i was overweight, so I took on road cycling. I was training Sat & Sun, doing century rides for charity, I lost 40lbs. Its funny because sometimes I think, did she like me when I was chunky? But I'm like that can't be. I didn't have energy, I was lazy, I didn't want to get out because I didn't feel good about myself.

As I exercise, I started gaining energy, starting to look good in slim shirts, I felt confident and wanted to go out with her do stuff with her. This is around Jan. 2011. But she seemed distant--didn't think anything of it. Her first communication with OM was March 2011. Their friendly talks built up until May 2011, thats when she dropped the bomb on me. I had my doubts, but didn't find out until 4/30/12. The rest of the timelines are in my signature including the 2nd meeting with the same OM in Sept this year.

So you see I was turning things around before the bomb. All these proof were backed up by call logs report from our phone subscriber, I requested them. Over 9K texts/month, how was this happening under my radar? She named this guy under her cousin's name on the phone's contact..so every time the text or call comes in, it was "Nancy", it doesn't also help me figure this out since I don't speak her first language. Yep on our family vacations, home time, and family gatherings, she was talking to this low life. Oh well I guess the marriage was that bad, that she would talk to this guy not only in front of me but also in front of our kids, total disrespect. D17 even said one time that mom is really close to her cousin "nancy" because they talk a lot. This really boils my blood but I bite my tongue and not say anything.

Until one day the OM messed up (a year later on April this year) and contacted my wife using his email address instead of the text#...that's when I started looking for solid evidence because I know she'd just deny it. Whew ok this brought me back, First time I actually say these in details on my post. Still hurts but a little better, I accept what happened and working on forgiveness and trust.

I mean I know and I felt I neglected her during our marriage because we were busy upgrading our careers. We both went back to school to get higher education and then S3 surprised us. There's also issue of me not getting vasectomy and her getting IUD when that didn't work she did tubuligation. Thats the biggest resentment. I cant go back and change that, if I can I would and get snipped. I asked for her forgiveness.

Lots of issues JB, these are just some. Therapy seem to point out too that her family is critical, I'm sure I'm too of her. She is also clinically depressed, but elected not to take A/Ds. But see I think this is why she's not pushing D anymore or separation even she feels like it because of what her family will say. I don't know JB I feel her spirit, heart, and commitment is not in the marriage and she's just stuck and so she stays. It's the defeat of everyone telling her to stay. I know this is mind reading and that's why I have to focus on me and to find away to lovingly detach while we live in the same house. So I'll take this in face value, until she elects for separation or D again?

Maybe one day I will reach my timeline. OR she will have some kind of epiphany.

Anything you can offer that I'm not seeing please let me know.

I'm reading your sitch JB. And goodluck to your recent developments--that's good stuff man, I really wish you the best. I will follow your posts.

Newman