Basically, what that means is, you focus on the goal and set up short, measurable results that you work on in order to move you closer to your goal, without putting any focus on the past, of which you can not change. Only the present can be changed.
At the end of the day, your pattern appears to be pursue (rescue), then distance (escape). By your own words, your distance is rooted in escaping (not being engaged in) life.
How do you plan on ending that pattern?
Because without ending that pattern, you are likely to continue that pattern with any new R. Whether that be with your X2 or any new person.
What types of things are you doing now, that you have been wanting to do for a long time?
Do you plan on continuing to do those things? Or were they "one offs" that you just wanted to try on, for size?
ok, I can go along with the escaping theory when you describe it that way. I don't think I am trying to escape by engaging in new things now. I can see how disengaging, as I have done, can be seen as escaping.
<How do you plan on ending that pattern?> The one thing that hits me regarding this is that in the past I didn't know that I was doing it. I just didn't see that I was disengaging. Now I see it, I see what I was doing - it took a brick to hit me but now I see it. Ok, well, I sat down a few months ago and made a list of all the things I had "wanted" for some time but didn't go after and just started working on them. I've noticed that is has been hard at times to continue, which is probably why I haven't done them in the past. I've used a number of techniques but there have been two that seem to work the best. The first is accountability to myself. How I do this is every morning after I get up I look at myself in the mirror and ask myself if I am getting closer to the goals I set or farther. I've found that when I am looking at myself in the mirror, I mean really "seeing" myself I am unable to lie to myself. This was a good strategy because seeing myself in the mirror every morning is not something I can stop doing. I have to take a shower, I have to brush my teeth, the mirror is too big, I am unable to get around seeing myself. And when I see myself all the goals on my list just pop-up in my mind and I know in a moment if I am actually working on those things or faking it - it's hard to lie to myself. I have many other techniques to keep up with the individual goals - just one example is having a scale in the bathroom. With it there I can't help but standing on it to see my weight, and once I see my weight I am either gaining or loosing - if I am not gaining than I know I am not moving towards my goal.
These things force me to be engaged.
Oh, one other thing I use is my friends and family. I tell them all the things I am trying to do because they keep me accountable. They ask me how it's going. They can see if I'm gaining wait. Heck, the gym even calls me if I don't show up for a few days in a row...
<What types of things are you doing now, that you have been wanting to do for a long time?> I've mentioned these but I'll list them explicitly: -I have really needed to gain wait. I determined how many calories I need to gain about a pound a week and am using a spreadsheet to keep a daily calorie count - 4000 calories a day. -I am taking online college courses to expand my experience -I have reconnected with my family -I have made new friends -I go to the gym 4x/week and can see the results on my body -this is a big one - I changed my epilepsy meds and am going to take my driving road test so I can start driving again - this will give me so much more freedom to do more things
I think those are the major ones for now.
One off's...well, reconnecting with my family was one thing I guess I wanted to try on for size but it turned out to be cool and now I'm going to have to up my cell minutes because it. The others were all things that I really wanted - but when you're not engaged it's no easy to just not...
uh, taking is great and it does help but...it feels like yesterday when she would wake me up in the middle of the night just to make love...I can't believe how much work it takes to keep that up throughout a marriage. Something I read that stuck with me - Divorce is easy, Marriage is what's hard. Who knows if it really is possible to reconnect with her...
So far I have taken one huge thing from this conversation thus far...I really didn't like it when you said I was trying to escape by doing all these new things. I don't think I am. BUT, I think I was escaping when I was disengaging. I never connected disengaging with escaping. But it so was, I so was escaping.
Even though I understand that you are here to try to decide whether you want to move on from X2 or not, I want to speak on these two things, specifically to M1 and X1 as it appears, from where I sit, to have been a pattern repeated in M2 and which could continue until it's resolved and you change your behaviours:
Originally Posted By: 4311
<How was the love for your X1 when you M her different than when the two of you D? Or was it?> Well, I think it was different in all the normal ways. We had been together like a decade so in the beginning it had all the new love feelings etc. After 10yrs, graduating, making careers, buying a house, etc, it was like many marriages - I guess the spark was gone, I wasn't engaged, etc.
It is interesting that you describe the above as "normal".
While I agree it is "normal" in the sense that marriages change, over time... there are many who find themselves in this change, rethink the relationship, and then work with their partner to make things better. To re-engage the relationship, once the elephant arrives in the room.
Your description above, are words that rationalize the break down of an M as though it is simply "normal" to D, if things aren't the way we expected. In this case, that the honey moon didn't last, forever...
That's not a judgement on you. It is simply an observation that the whole "normalization" of D in society is built around a belief that the infatuation of early love is something that lasts forever. That there's not a maturation of love that can just as easily be normal and relationships adjust around that change, rather than end because of that change.
People seem to think that a M should not be work. If it's hard, it was not meant to be. Those who live their entire life with their spouse have a different story to tell. One that, while overall the M was good, there were challenges along the way that required them to work things out.
Originally Posted By: 4311
<Do you feel you emotionally mourned the loss of M1?> No, I don't think so.
It is entirely up to you to revisit this. You did not come here to try to figure out why your M1 did not work. You came here to determine whether you should move on from M2 or not. Yet as I've been focused on, until you change your patterns, your patterns are likely to continue.
Do you feel that there is nothing to mourn from M1? In your mind, was M1 just a diversion on your path to M2, in which you married your first love?
So far I have taken one huge thing from this conversation thus far...I really didn't like it when you said I was trying to escape by doing all these new things. I don't think I am. BUT, I think I was escaping when I was disengaging. I never connected disengaging with escaping. But it so was, I so was escaping.
THAT is an awesome take away!
It is a fine, fine line, without a doubt. What we need to remember is that engaging our pain is as much a part of life and growth as engaging the things that give us pleasure.
Seeking pleasure to avoid pain... is natural... what we have learned societally is, it does not lead to growth...
I'll revisit anything anyone brings up at least once. Then I'll determine if it was a valid revisit. Do I want to revisit M1 - not really, but I will. Yes, I do feel that there is something to mourn for M1. I cut a person out of my life that was smart, beautiful, and dedicated. She had her issues but we all have them. M1 was not a diversion to M2. I see them as two individual people, two separate relationships, two separate paths. I don't compare the two women, never have. I do compare the love and emotions I have for them - but that is mine, not theirs. I can tell you that I have been thinking about M1 since after the shock of D2 has started to at least dull a bit. Something kind of weird actually happened. A few months ago, basically a couple of months after D2, my mom called and told me that she had a couple boxes of my things from many years ago. A few months after D1 M1 dropped off that stuff at my moms condo. I thought it was really weird, it had been like 7yrs....anyway, I diverge.
<What we need to remember is that engaging our pain is as much a part of life and growth as engaging the things that give us pleasure.>
Huh, I never thought about that. I have known for some time now that I was disengaging...but, to me being engaged would mean that I was taking care of my sh*t, it means that good things were happening because I was taking care of my sh*t, I never thought about being engaged with my pain...being engaged with my pain..what a novel idea.
