Changing Directions

[subguy]

RLA, I'm loving the new attitude, keep it up!!!

[RegretfulLA]

"Being right is the booby prize of life."

I'm not sure I could have said that better...

Back when I started this journey, when I was completely desperate and searching for something - anything - that would help, I came upon this marriage guy who had a "workbook" and a "system" that cost like $400. I didn't want to commit to that, but basically his philosophy was to just ignore your marital problems.

What? Just ignore your marital problems? But I'm so angry and furious about it all.

It's counter-intuitive, but what we've been doing so far hasn't exactly been working... I guess the idea is to "rise above" your problems and when you create an atmosphere of harmony and connection they will resolve on their own or not seem so big.

How I wish I could convince my H of this... but of course we know that's the wrong thing. I do know that arguing in therapy has only pushed us further apart.

Tonight we are going to a party, then I'm going to another one afterwards. Originally we were going to take 2 cars, now it looks like we'll drive together and he'll ride home with the neighbors. I guess that's a decent sign. Last year he didn't even come to this particular party with me. I wish he'd come to the other one with me too, but I'm letting it go.

[Wendylon]

Regretful, I really think you're on a much more productive and hopeful path now, both for you personally and for your M.

I was feeling concerned that you were getting more and more resentful (in fact I misremembered your name and thought it was ResentfulLA!)

I'm extremely impressed with your H making the chicken. I really, really think you should stay away from R talk because you don't want him to hear himself say negative things about your R. He will just believe his story. Keep DBing with all your might for now. It will help you whatever happens down the line.

[RegretfulLA]

ResentfulLA! Hilarious! Sometimes I feel like that!

Well, I put my new "program" into play today.

H and I got into a discussion about the organization around the house today. One of the things I'm resentful about is not getting enough help around the house, so I decided to implement something new - a "team clean." All 4 of us put on our cleaning hats and we made some progress getting the house tidied. It's about time the boys started helping and my H could use some prodding too.

After we did it, I said to H, "doesn't it look great in here?" His answer was that it didn't, there were still piles of crap everywhere.

Yes, there are still some piles of crap. I like to be organized but it's not a super high priority for me so we end up with piles.

But instead of jumping down H's throat and asking him why he didn't help more, I just listened to him. He wants to get a professional organizer in here. We ended up getting into a whole conversation about this because I was waffling on the idea. What ended up coming out was that I have a lot of shame around the fact that I am not completely on top of it. The truth is that there are still things I haven't dealt with from our move a year ago, and part of the reason why is that we don't have the right shelves or enough closet space. but I just went with him.

It ended up being an interesting conversation. H said I had a lot of my own work to do. I said I know he's trying to be supportive but it would help me if he could be more gentle with me. His style is more "tough love" but that doesn't exactly work too well because it's all tough and no love.

I think H is right - I do have a lot of my own issues to get through. I don't even really know what they are. But we're at least at the point where we're discussing it, and he seems to be still in the game... He said we've all been suffering for a long time because of my unresolved crap, and that every time I ask him to be nicer to me it's just a dodge. Well, I do need to work on my crap. No question about it - but I would also like him to be more gentle.

The fact that he's talking about hiring an organizer says to me that he's not moving out...

[BklynMom]

Thanks for your note on your last thread. Glad to see you have a new program and sound so positive.

I think a home organizer is a great idea. Why not? it just might be the motivating you need to keep the organization going

[RegretfulLA]

Agree that a home organizer would get the problem solved and that's what it's really all about - not who is right. I hate spending money on stuff I could be doing myself. I get that from my mother. Of course my mother was stressed out all the time because she could never get everything done. I have inherited the same thinking and it is hard to let go of -

I have this friend who throws dinner parties all the time. She has her housekeeper come before the party and after the party and has everyone bring a dish. So simple. I wish I could operate like that but my pride gets in the way. Makes no sense.

[subguy]

.
I hate spending money on stuff I could be doing myself.

So why haven't you done it yet?? Not trying to be mean but... Sounds like your H may be right on this one if it's been a year ask for help it does not hurt. If you have the money and it will get the job done and no more stress, then I say go for it. I'm gonna hire a maid service to help me with some of the household chores. No pride here in that department.

[RegretfulLA]

(Because I hate it, that's why I haven't done it!)

Actually, subguy, we are in a lot of debt right now. We spent a lot of $ renovating our home and then couldn't qualify for a home equity line. Plus I quit my job in May. We have 2 kids in private school. It has been a scramble over the last few months.

But you are right - some things are just worth the money. I am bad at prioritizing that way, and like I said, it's kind of broken thinking, but it's what I grew up with. My H is much better at that, but the flip side is, he's completely irresponsible with $.

We need to reach a happy medium. For instance, I should have asked our housekeeper to come help with my son's birthday party in April. Instead, I did all the work myself while my inlaws watched. I could have had my housekeeper doing all the work while we all watched. I just ended up pissed off, and maybe it would have been worth $150 or $200 not to be pissed off. On the other hand, H could have helped more, but we're not going into that...

[subguy]

I hated asking for help and projects never got done. I started finishing projects for me, not my W, because it's me alone now in this house and it feels good to check items off my list. Ask a friend for help or a church member, let them in your safe zone, you'll be surprised at how people will respond. Be vulnerable just a tad in the beginning, allow people in. Love is the absence of fear. To be loved you have to be fearless.

[RegretfulLA]

You're right - I am hesitant to ask for help. But I do have a lot of close friends.