H found out I took money out of home equity loan. When he stopped giving us any money last month. I was concerned he wasn't going to send any more. I was right, we never got any money. I had no choice to take the money out.
I'm not sorry I did. I don't feel guilty about it either. I have to take care of my daughters. I refuse to have my back against the wall. I have become a lot stronger woman from this. This is definitely not the life I wanted. But, it is the life I've been given. I pray everyday that my H, the one I fell in love with, will come back to me. I can't wait forever without moving forward. I know one day he will wake up from his fantasy life. Maybe it will be when he has started all over with a new family at 45 years old and broke from having to support two families. Maybe he'll wake up and he'll find that his family has moved on without him. Maybe he'll get really lucky and wake up before its too late and he hasn't made any permanents mistakes.
I did sign papers this past Tuesday for a financial legal separation. It has been filed. With the holidays and the courts backed up, it will probably be the end of January before I go to court. Until then, were living on the loan. But, I will have provided my Ds with a nice Christmas.
I feel my attitude changing some days. I still cry. But, I also have a bit more confidence in what I can endure.. I've come to know that whatever can go wrong with all this mess, will.
