Trying really hard to be Thankful today...

[Sweetbriar]

So, I felt the need to post here tonight...feeling sad:( I have had a bad few couple days...just feeling sad, missing H's presence this season, belly getting bigger, etc...

Been trying to get out and do things, which I have. I finished my Christmas shopping and kids have friends over tonight baking cookies, listening to Christmas music, and we are doing our best to enjoy ourselves. I even got Chrismas cards made today and will be addressing them out tonight to go in the mail on Monday...I wasn't sure I was going to get any out this year!

Anyway, H had called earlier and asked if the kids wanted to do lunch and they both had other plans and said NO. I had answered and before I handed the phone over to the kids, I asked if he would mind sticking the support check in the mailbox this weekend. (Last time he waited until Wed when he saw the kids to pay me and I am supposed to get it the Friday he gets paid). I need the money right now, becuase I just finished Christmas shopping and cannot wait until Wed this week. He said that he would bring it by since he will be in town tonight doing a DJ gig.

Well, he stopped by while we were making cookies and such and we (D14 and her friend, D11 and her friend and me) all were in the foyer with him. He hugged each D and handed me the check. We made small talk for about 5 minutes and he left. During this 5 minutes we mentioned the tradgedy in CT and also that he wasn't feeling good. H mentioned he is working a lot and was at the office until 12:15 this morning working. I told him to have fun tonight and he left.

Minutes later, D14 received a text that said "awkward". That made me so sad...that he feels that way just being around me and the kids together for 5 minutes. Then he texted to her "ick..next time I will wait for you to just come outside". So, D14 got upset and texted back "so you cannot be around my mom who is pregnant with your baby?" and he responded "its not that...just all eyes on me made me feel uncomfortable".

This made me so sad. Its hard to let these things roll off my back:( Seeing him this time of year is hard enough, but that he would take the time to text D14 and relay to her that he was uncomfortable and awkward made me so sad and hurt. I felt like this was just another sign that he will not ever be coming back home...if he feels so uncomfortable just standing here for 5 minutes.

Its amazing that we have become complete strangers in the 4 months he has been gone:( It makes me so sad. I was his wife for 15 years and am currently still his wife...why the heck would he feel awkward in front of me??

I just feel like him texting that put a damper on the whole mood this evening. If he felt that...why couldn't he have kept it to himself. He is so different now.....why oh why does he think that this is the answer to the rest of our lives?

I still get sad when I see him and miss him...he thinks its "Ick" to see me...I just want him to have an ounce of sadness and just remember what used to be when he sees me...guess I need to let that go...

encouragement?