Changing Directions

[RegretfulLA]

ResentfulLA! Hilarious! Sometimes I feel like that!

Well, I put my new "program" into play today.

H and I got into a discussion about the organization around the house today. One of the things I'm resentful about is not getting enough help around the house, so I decided to implement something new - a "team clean." All 4 of us put on our cleaning hats and we made some progress getting the house tidied. It's about time the boys started helping and my H could use some prodding too.

After we did it, I said to H, "doesn't it look great in here?" His answer was that it didn't, there were still piles of crap everywhere.

Yes, there are still some piles of crap. I like to be organized but it's not a super high priority for me so we end up with piles.

But instead of jumping down H's throat and asking him why he didn't help more, I just listened to him. He wants to get a professional organizer in here. We ended up getting into a whole conversation about this because I was waffling on the idea. What ended up coming out was that I have a lot of shame around the fact that I am not completely on top of it. The truth is that there are still things I haven't dealt with from our move a year ago, and part of the reason why is that we don't have the right shelves or enough closet space. but I just went with him.

It ended up being an interesting conversation. H said I had a lot of my own work to do. I said I know he's trying to be supportive but it would help me if he could be more gentle with me. His style is more "tough love" but that doesn't exactly work too well because it's all tough and no love.

I think H is right - I do have a lot of my own issues to get through. I don't even really know what they are. But we're at least at the point where we're discussing it, and he seems to be still in the game... He said we've all been suffering for a long time because of my unresolved crap, and that every time I ask him to be nicer to me it's just a dodge. Well, I do need to work on my crap. No question about it - but I would also like him to be more gentle.

The fact that he's talking about hiring an organizer says to me that he's not moving out...