My Security Blanket

[Soul.Searching]

I'm sorry Busting. Let yourself grieve. I think we all want to be healed right away but unfortunately, we can't rush it or put a time limit on it.

[labug]

Oh busting, I was thinking something similar to what Ruby said.

I did that for too long, put my self in the range of hurt. I know with younger children it's more difficult but you need to save yourself.

You're putting a lot of meaning on things without knowing the truth and causing yourself pain. He's missing her production-I can see being a bit pissed about, so acknowledge and move on. Spin his choices to neutral when you can. Don't try to figure out why he's doing it but the reason is probably quite basic-he's having illicit sex with a woman he sees only occasionally and who he has no emotional baggage with (yet).

Don't be the person who life does things to, be Busting who creates her own life!

But it's really between him and his daughter. They will have to figure that out down the road.

[tori2012]

Busting, how are you feeling today? The cycles of hurt and pseudo happiness come and go. Sending you a big hug (((((()))))

[bustingout]

Thank you everyone for your comments. I agree about removing myself from the range of hurt. I think I need to do that on a more emotional level rather than physical.

He is here a lot and for the kids I encourage that. But yes, emotionally I need to again....detach more.

Because I know he is going on his 'illicit sex trip' I was tempted to 'talk' with him about...I don't know what. I was thinking if I could just say something clever he would change his mind. Of course that is not the case, and I was not ready to confront him and tell him I know what he is really doing. Maybe I am a coward.

Had a good weekend overall though!

S8 had his first school 'dance' lol he was so excited. then we had H's cousins wedding which was lovely. Great to see the family and the kids enjoyed it so much.

Left wedding a little early to attend my work's xmas party which was fun.

Today went for a walk, took my S8 to a golf lesson and had book club. We read a book called The Psycho Path Test. And yes, now I think my WAS is a psycho lol....

So remember when H asked if his cousin could stay here ? (the one that came for the wedding). Well, she didn't stay here but she did come to visit and it was nice enough. My gut tells me she was staying at OW's...

Last night when I was at the xmas party, got a text from H saying 'just to inform you, I am bringing my family over to the house for a nightcap'.

I didn't see the text right away (getting my groove on, on the dance floor lol), and when i saw it I was going home. I was shocked. Was with my BFF and her husband in the car so I asked if they would come in to the house with me.

I know all of the cousins very well. Like them all. So I walked in and became the hostess. They weren't here long (it was quite late), but really so much of WTF was going through my head.

I know its a complete WTF you (H) can't do that since you left the house and choose not to live here. And I also realize now H doesn't see that. He sees it as 'the house' which we both belong to. I know it is cake-eating, and that its up to me to set the boundary. I was thrown for a loop last night.

I am scared to set all of the boundaries that I think I should be setting. Its simple... 'its not your house to use whenever you feel like because you don't live here anymore'. Its simple.

So why can't I do it?

I know I didn't say anything because I am not ready for confrontation. Because I believe it will be confrontational. I am so bad at setting boundaries. Goes back to previous posts of not wanting to upset people....

And he is leaving tonight to see OW.

We got a new wifi in the house and he set the password as the first initial of all of our names (me, him and the kids..it ends up being STAR) and the date of his mum's bday who passed away when H was 14. NO ONE would know the significance of that password except me and him.

I ran around today with my panties in a twist...overwhlmed with negativity and doom and gloom.

I have been confused lately. Knowing he is going to visit OW has helped keep expectations in check despite of the niceness between us as of late.

I am more ready to really create my own life. I thought I was but I think it is also a process of layers. We keep learning and peeling them off.

It has not helped me that I really like him and enjoy his company.

Still learning.

[jbnati]

Hello busting, I thought I'd just stop by.

First of all, I've read through about the last two pages and it sounds like you're going through a pretty rough time. ((())) I know this time of year is especially difficult.

However, one suggestion, and you may be doing some of this already, is start your own traditions with your S&D. Move forward without your H for now. If he decides to jump on board, you can deal with it then. But you're improving the life of your S&D, and frankly your own life and sanity.

The WAS will do anything even remotely possible to justify his actions. I think the 'kids are resilient' statement is in chapter 3 of the WAS Field Manual.

I think you have a lot of the right ideas of what you need to do. it's just hard doing them. Setting boundaries isn't always easy. However, what I am observing in your last post that not setting them is driving you crazy, too. I think you may just need to get over that 'hump' of setting the boundaries.

[StubbornDyke]

((((((((((((Busting))))))))))))

Surely there are fears associated with setting boundaries. Time to address them?

Don't worry, they'll be there whenever you're ready.

[bustingout]

Thank you jbnati and SD. I honestly don't know why I dropped so low the past few days.

Wait. I do. I had expectations. I had expectations that because things were becoming more pleasant and friendly between us, that something might start to finally change positively with regards to our M.

My gut told me me somehow OW was out of the way. and she was. She was out of the country. I could sense the shift in my H. He was softer, warmer.

And as it got closer and closer to him leaving to be with OW, and the chaos of the wedding, and the cousin arriving, its just started to feel darker around him. I wanted to take my kids away from the lies and the shadiness and deceit.

And when he did leave, I fell. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to reach out...explain my view point, make it about me I guess and our needs (me and the kids). But this is his journey. This is what he needs to do. It may lead him to the other side with us and it may not. Who am I to interfere.

Boundaries.

I need emotional ones for myself.

And I have decided I will not move to Dubai. I haven't told him yet, as his decision is still not 100 percent final. But when/if it is, I will tell him. So I guess, he and OW will basically move there and start their life. They would have whether or not I was going anyway, and I am not ready to move my life, my home, etc to another country while I am still healing and recovering.

H is going to be away again starting in mid-Jan. Who knows for how long this time. Maybe that is weighing in on part of my dark head.
Better go for now.

Love to all.

[JuneReN]

I always think that the universe gives us what we need; in my case it was getting the flu. It stopped the spin cycle like someone pulled the plug.

In your case H is going away in January, giving you time to concentrate fully on every part of you and the kids. What a gift you have received. That is how you have to look at it. I understand because I just went through the same thing "How is H going to see my wonderful self if he is not here? How do I keep that connection?" What Forest said is basically, you think it won't get back to him? It will. The opportunity, I think to see the greater things he will lose requires a little distance sometimes.

My H was alone out here this weekend. Didn't really see kids-we were all busy. His SIL was busy on the weekend, he helped a friend out and then came by where I worked and stayed for 2 hours (I barely saw him I was busy). He looked kinda sad. Came by house next day on a pretext, and stayed 1.5 hours for coffee. Absolutley had to leave back to city, by 4pm after volunter gig. Was still out here apparently at 7.

So....a little perspective is going to be a good thing, Busting. Sometimes we forget that the WAS are very conflicted too. No matter what happens down the road, I have sworn to be in exactly the same place, whether it be alone, with H or with someone else. I would love it if I looked beside me and you were there too

[LITB]

Hello Busting,

Just as you are able to sense the closeness and the distancing with your H, he is able to sense the same thing in you. Instinctively, he knows that you are available to him when he is ready.

How do you change that dynamic?

By continuously GAL, being mysterious and setting boundaries. By demonstrating that your life is not only okay without him, but that it is great.

When all of this is done consistently, it becomes who you really are. In turn, it helps you to completely drop the rope. It will just happen. It can't be forced. It takes a lot of time and effort to transition into this mindset.

I realize that there are many fears that must be overcome to get there. The fear of them (the WAS) thinking we have closed the door on our M/R. The fear of upsetting them. The fear of loss.

A lot of times, it is our fears that slow or completely halt our progress. I have found when I run thru that wall of fear, that the reality is not as horrible as I anticipated.

In life there are dreamers and doers. Be a doer Busting and just do it!! Set those boundaries. Shift whatever is within your control in a positive directions to get you to that empowering place of happiness.

Take your focus away from your H and utilize it on YOU and your children.

[StubbornDyke]

Busting, your decision about Dubai sounds strong. Great step forward!

LITB, thanks for that post. I needed to read it.