My Security Blanket

[bustingout]

Thank you everyone for your comments. I agree about removing myself from the range of hurt. I think I need to do that on a more emotional level rather than physical.

He is here a lot and for the kids I encourage that. But yes, emotionally I need to again....detach more.

Because I know he is going on his 'illicit sex trip' I was tempted to 'talk' with him about...I don't know what. I was thinking if I could just say something clever he would change his mind. Of course that is not the case, and I was not ready to confront him and tell him I know what he is really doing. Maybe I am a coward.

Had a good weekend overall though!

S8 had his first school 'dance' lol he was so excited. then we had H's cousins wedding which was lovely. Great to see the family and the kids enjoyed it so much.

Left wedding a little early to attend my work's xmas party which was fun.

Today went for a walk, took my S8 to a golf lesson and had book club. We read a book called The Psycho Path Test. And yes, now I think my WAS is a psycho lol....

So remember when H asked if his cousin could stay here ? (the one that came for the wedding). Well, she didn't stay here but she did come to visit and it was nice enough. My gut tells me she was staying at OW's...

Last night when I was at the xmas party, got a text from H saying 'just to inform you, I am bringing my family over to the house for a nightcap'.

I didn't see the text right away (getting my groove on, on the dance floor lol), and when i saw it I was going home. I was shocked. Was with my BFF and her husband in the car so I asked if they would come in to the house with me.

I know all of the cousins very well. Like them all. So I walked in and became the hostess. They weren't here long (it was quite late), but really so much of WTF was going through my head.

I know its a complete WTF you (H) can't do that since you left the house and choose not to live here. And I also realize now H doesn't see that. He sees it as 'the house' which we both belong to. I know it is cake-eating, and that its up to me to set the boundary. I was thrown for a loop last night.

I am scared to set all of the boundaries that I think I should be setting. Its simple... 'its not your house to use whenever you feel like because you don't live here anymore'. Its simple.

So why can't I do it?

I know I didn't say anything because I am not ready for confrontation. Because I believe it will be confrontational. I am so bad at setting boundaries. Goes back to previous posts of not wanting to upset people....

And he is leaving tonight to see OW.

We got a new wifi in the house and he set the password as the first initial of all of our names (me, him and the kids..it ends up being STAR) and the date of his mum's bday who passed away when H was 14. NO ONE would know the significance of that password except me and him.

I ran around today with my panties in a twist...overwhlmed with negativity and doom and gloom.

I have been confused lately. Knowing he is going to visit OW has helped keep expectations in check despite of the niceness between us as of late.

I am more ready to really create my own life. I thought I was but I think it is also a process of layers. We keep learning and peeling them off.

It has not helped me that I really like him and enjoy his company.

Still learning.