- Not TOUCH THE STOVE WHILE IT'S HOT. Until now, it was almost a rule : contact her at least once a day, lest she forgets me. everyone has that fear. Everyone of us. All you can be sure of now, is that contacting her seems to have pushed you farther away from her. Back off...
The reason is that if I don't contact her, guess what happens? Bingo, she doesn't contact me either... I tried to go semi-dark in the begining, as a 180 test, and this is what happened. Thus my fear...
Bruce, not sure when you went dark...you were supposed to prove your concern for your son and wife. Your actions have NOT HELPED YOU and have not worked.
That's hard to take but it's NOT complicated. It is simple. You must give a different action a real chance...we are NOT saying to "go dark"....but we are saying to lovingly, respectfully, BACK OFF b/c she does not want to see you. of course you should not be contacting her every day, let alone more than once.
The ONLY thing you two have to discuss AT THE MOMENT, while she refuses to see you, is your son.
Financial matters and other legal issues are to separated from that and worked out w/the lawyers. ***I'm NOT saying you can't front some money for a real need of your son's or that she must go to court for Every single request...but if it's too emotional or complex or unreasonable, then DEFER and REFER to the lawyers.
I will force myself to not initiate contact several times a day. Absolutely stop this^^^^...It's a 180 to STOP calling her at all....and if you have been doing this, you were never dark or even dim. But the timing of going dark and the circumstances matter a great deal. INSIDE the marriage the concern is that you were too cold and selfish and not involved in their lives so going dark was the opposite of what was needed THEN...
But now, in today's situation you must back off. You may contact her, IF & ONLY IF, it's about your son....
- I WILL LET THE HOUSE BURN DOWN BEFORE REBUILDING. Although I already thought a lot, and learnt big time, I must now be a patient man, If the opportunity is given to me again, not blow it a second time. Also, if she doesn't have the feeling she lost me, she has no reason to want to find me again.
Give her the time and space to let the good memories resurface, which they wont' do while you are pressuring her or pointing them out, OR getting frustrated with her.
Those behaviors just reinforce her decision to leave.
Besides she needs time to believe you can back off, that you are in fact becoming a good father JUST for the sake of being a good father (without an immediately obvious follow up about "getting her back too 'which makes it look like a facade)...give her time to wonder if she might lose a good man.
NOT the man she left, but the man you are becoming.
don't think she has amnesia. She KNOWS you want to reconcile and she won't think a week of you not calling her means that you are off with OW ----BUT she might believe maybe you are trying to respect her wishes. That would be a 180, right?
- LEARN TO LISTEN AND EMPATHIZE. For one, it will help me communicate with W, and allow me to ask questions without coming across as mad or manipulating (or accusing). it will also help you become a better, kinder, man. Empathy is an essential ingredient in the ability to truly love another.
There. Thank you. Bruce
P.S. I have sent a version of the little text about her wishes and concerns about raising S together, because I have to answer very very soon about a day care spot that opens in January, or it'll go to someone else. Spots are rare here. I need her to agree to give me S every other week in January. But the court hearing is only Jan. 18, and we don't know the result (although we wish it is 50-50%). Unless I pay 600$ in January to secure the spot, (even if nobody shows up), but what a waste of money.
Ask your lawyer how long he believes (his best educated guess) it'll take for you to get SOME custody, enough to need daycare.
And if you have your son, are you saying you'd take him from his mom and put him in daycare?
Is she doing any daycare now, or is she or a family member with him at all times? That might matter a lot.
But in the grand scheme of things the worst case scenario might be you Do get him half time and then have nowhere to put him. That won't look good. How important and non refundable will that $600 be then?
good luck
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I need her to agree to give me S every other week in January.
I wouldn't try to go for 50/50 straight away Bruce. It's a huge step and a terrifying one for her. I would try to work my way up. I would only try to go for it straight away if it was the only option.
Although I worked more than I should have, I've changed diapers, fed, played with, bathed etc my child since day one. A couple weeks back I even got the impression my X thought too much of my focus was on S now(a bit mindreading).
But the first time I mention working our way up to 40/60(or something like that) she had a small meltdown. She was terrified. Cried and fought. Even told me to choose my battles with care, LOL. And we were on pretty good terms at that point, which you and you're W seems not to be.
A father deserves to be with his child, but it's a delicate issue.
Together for 8,5 years. S2 Interest in OM. She left 29.09.12 b/c we couldn't work things out. No signs of OM, not digging. Living in seperate homes, sharing custody.
Bruce, you said your goal is to only contact her once a day or she'll forget about you. Did I understand this correctly? It's my opinion, but that's still too often. How about NC unless it's related to your son? Think about it. She won't forget about you, but she might become curious...
I think contacting her at all, unless it relates to your son is a bad idea at the moment.
She knows how to reach you and
she has made it clear she does NOT want to see you.
Why would you ignore that?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Good evening, That's why I like this site. As I write out things, it appears in a new light. And your feedback often redirects me in the right path. Of course contacting her every day is not the thing to do: What was I thinking? FYI, I went dark in September-ish for two weeks. W got even darker than me. No sign of life from her or anyone--> didn't work.
As for the custody of my son, that would be unfair to grant her more time than to me. It's not because she withheld him for so long that it means she cares more. For what reason should she have more rights than me?
For the moment, she's at her parents, and therefore her mum takes care of our son 24/7. It's not as if it was a big sacrifice for her either. "She's helped a lot". Whereas me, if I have custody I will have to take care of him in the morning, drive him to daycare before work(if I have the spot..), go get him after work, take care of his meal, bath, etc... alone.. which one of the two will have a harder time? That's right, it's me. But I won't give up on him, and we'll keep asking the court for 50% custody immediately. (that is why it is so important I secure a spot for him, even if it means paying for an absentee toddler in the first month...)
If she really can't support the idea of being separated to our son, there's a very simple solution, and I'm open to it: Move back with me! Simple, really.
B.
Me:34 ; W:28 Son: almost 2. Married : 14 March 2009 DBomb : 18 June 2012 Separated since Jan 2012 (different countries) Same country and city since July 2012
What is best for my son is having a mom and a dad. I didn't decide to leave, and I'm only trying to have a more equal parenting arrangement, for his sake.
As for his "shock", of course there will be a change in his life, like for all of us here! He'll be fine after a week of day care.
Me:34 ; W:28 Son: almost 2. Married : 14 March 2009 DBomb : 18 June 2012 Separated since Jan 2012 (different countries) Same country and city since July 2012
I just reread your post and it is even more self centered the second time around. It's about you, you, you and not what's best for your son. Those are the only terms you need to think in right now.
I agree. Take it from the most self-centered guy in town (me). You have to take the spotlight off yourself if you do actually want what is best for your son.
BD: 8/20/2012 W Files: 8/23/2012 S: 8/25/2012 (I moved out) D Final: 3/5/2013
