Before I even think about if reconciliation is even possible I want to do as much as I can to better how I live my life, to better me. I am good enough as I am IF I am happy with myself - I am not - I want to live my life more.
This is all within YOUR control. DB excels at this so you will fit right in.
Make small goal oriented changes that will point you in the right direction.
I read a lot about "going dark" and not contacting and not telling them what you want, etc, etc. Is that really what must be done. Is it all up to them to make the first move? I understand not being needy, not bugging, not saying you will wait for them but what can you do? Do we really just go on with our lives and if they decide to contact us then we see what happens? Isn't this just giving them all the power? Not sure I get it.
There is nothing you can do to MAKE them want to come back.
So in the end, all you can really do is focus on yourself and become an even better person than you already are.
A thought about going dark is that the WAS has an opportunity to "miss" you. That's convoluted and leans towards controlling, or passive aggressive behaviour so that what you do CAUSES the WAS to change their course.
Going dark really has to be about you and for you. If you need to have absolutely no contact with the WAS in order for you to heal and move forward (not "on", that's different), then so be it.
On the other side of that, going dark "black holes" any potential "pursuit" behaviour that you might otherwise engage in.
Let go of any thought of who has the "power". You have the power... OVER YOURSELF... in the same way that the WAS has the power OVER THEMSELVES... neither should (does) have any power over the other, nor over the R itself...
Look, I'm not into who has the power, being manipulative, playing games, "making" her do anything. I am just speaking to what I have read from others. I have been working on myself non-stop and am doing it for myself. I like the changes I see in me, actually, I love them. But I also want to be realistic and honest. I have hopes and plans about other things I want to do in my life that have nothing to do with relationships. But I am also human and want to be connected with someone in a way that matters. I am looking to get a simple answer to a simple question. The response to this question will not alter the path I have chosen to take in my life. I am not saying that the response will not try to alter it, I will need to use the strength I have to ensure that it does not alter it. We all have goals. Some of those goals are just about me, some are about my connection with others. The question is: is me wanting to explore the potential of reconnecting my my ex-wife at some point in the future wrong? I am not asking if it is ok to make it my sole goal in life - I am not. I am simply asking if it is something I should forget about and not put any effort into at some point in the future? She is not the be all and end all. But I wouldn't be telling the truth if I said I did not love her. Things in life don't just happen. Us getting divorced didn't just happen and the potential of us getting back together won't just happen either. All of these things take effort and planning. Moving further in my career, making better connections with my mom and sister, making more friends - all these things take effort. Just as reconnecting with an ex-spouse would. Does all this make sense? Do you understand what I am looking for? Do you even believe what I am saying?
Yes, of course. But, HOW? That's one of the reasons why I am here on this board. It's not the only reason. I need support, I need to see how others are handling things. I need to be sharing what I am doing and allowing you guys to objectively judge it and offer suggestions. I need a lot. But just as all my other goals in life require planning - reconnecting with my ex would also require planning. I'm just not sure how to make those plans. I know, or, I feel, that now is not the time - it's only been 5 or 6 months since the D. I don't know. Is it as simple as sending them an email and asking when I feel the time is right for me? I don't know. I know no one here can tell me what to do, but I can gain knowledge by how their success was handled.
4311, I am going to mention that if you want to have a chance to work things out, this IS... WITHOUT A DOUBT... the BEST place to get the support you need.
Even if things move on between the two of you, the Divorce Busting or the new Divorce Remedy books are fantastic resources.
I have a tendency to help people transition into the support they need here. I have no problem supporting you.
But... as you appear to be, so will I...
To be blunt... based on your posts above... you, my friend, had a MLC 6 years ago.
AND...
You have not finished...
You still appear to feel entitled to answers and as though nothing else seems to matter to you, except for your own gratification.
You left your first wife because you "did not love her [b]THAT[/i] way?!!" Are you kidding me? In what way DO you need to love someone to make a decision to marry them in the first place?
Your M to your highschool sweetheart... how you describe it... reeks of someone who, at 35... decided he wanted to relive their past...
Did your 2nd wife come into your life AFTER the D of your first wife? Or was your 2nd W already in the picture, before the first D's ink was dried.
As I mentioned above, this is a great place to get support and the books are fantastic. I, and others, will support you in what ever way you would like.
So are you asking us for permission to move on from X2? You ask HOW to rebuild a better R with X2.
How do you think you could do that? What do you want from her?
I just read above that X2 came into your life (again) before the ink was dried from D1, so you don't need to address that.
Have you even had a chance to consider what might have gone wrong in the fist M?
In what way is that similar to what went wrong in the second M?
It might be a good time for you to take a long, hard look at what is going on in your life and how your own choices and actions have lead you to where you are, now.
