Wife lost in the MLC-We are now separated

[sam4nh]

Well I've been totally stressed over the last few days. I wish I could say it was this or that, but nothing major has happened. I went to dinner with some friends that were asking me about my W and what was going on. They all are trying to be supportive and I truely appreciate their love and compassion. One of them had been in a relationship for 15 years and her partner up and left her one day after having a PA for months.

They all asked me, "What do I want?" I want my marriage and I am struggling to keep it all together. I feel like curling up in a ball and crying most times. I do have to say that I have not made any moves to be the first to contact my W except when it's urgent. She was away and I feel like I have the world on my sholders.

I have this very uneasy feeling that my W is or has entered into a PA. I don't know why, I have no evidence, I just feel that this cutting me off and not engaging me at all feel like something more devious is going on.

The legal separation papers came from the mediator and I guess part of my uneasy feelings. We now have to take these to the town and file for the separation. Since my W is just getting back from her business trip and I'm leaving for the holidays next week I'm not sure when these will get filed. I'm in no rush, but I think my W wants to "protect herself and feel independent". I've never given her a reason the feel she needs to protect herself against me taking money from our bank accounts, but a friend planted a seed in her head that I could take all of her money and change the locks on the door to make her miserable. That's not me, but I'm very thankful for others planting those negative seeds.

It seems a lot of her "friends" keep planting negative comments about me and what I will do if she separates/divorces me.

When we first started going through the EA with her soul mate (women is now in another relationship, but my W will say she's in love with her and they will love each other forever into the next life), my W would tell the OW and another BFF everything about us. It felt like my whole life was on a TV screen for them to review and comment. My W who I think has very little self-love and esteem would pour her heart and soul to these people (and her coworkers-even those she doesn’t particularly care for, friends, family, extended family, acquaintance’s, etc.) every aspect of why she wants to separate/divorce. And I feel they all gave her the head nod that she was doing the right thing and she should make herself happy and get out of a marriage that was just a disaster. My IC has said that while we were in MC that my wife would may time criticize me and that by her telling friends was her way for to her to justify why she was doing what she was doing even if it is/was wrong. And I wondered why I had such low self-esteem and I did not want to go to dinner or hang out with these “friends”??? What we would ever talk about? How Sam is terrible at this or has done that and been just been an awful person. I know I am not!!!

So I guess today and this week I’m just feeling like I’m tired of it all and want to give up and move on with my life. I want my marriage, but this has been going on for two plus years with the EA and now the separation. I’m on egg shells all the time and feel like I’m not gaining any ground. With the business travel my W is doing, I don’t think she is working on anything and will be just content to wallow on her own and listen to the talking heads give her their opinions which she takes as gospel. I think the soul mate is playing the wait for me and if my relationship doesn’t work out then we can get together and see if we can be a good couple. I will say the women she had/is having the EA with used to be a good friend of mine and has now turn very critical of me since I called her on flirting and sending very inappropriate texts to my W. This is when I found out about them being soul mates and what I identified as an EA. They say they just have a strong emotional connection. Maybe this is because of their like backgrounds and issues as children.

OK enough for my self pity. I'll work through this and become a stronger person in the long term.