good thing you found this forum- i've found it to be a real savior for me.
i'd say most people (and CERTAINLY FAMILY ) don't get it- what you're trying to do, how very very difficult it is to just "let go".
i'm no expert- just someone with 35 yrs invested in a r that now finds myself in your boat as well- everything just "went wrong" suddenly it seems- i tried and tried- he was not as straightforward as your h sounds. mine had ed problem- said it was okay, and "no big deal" - but to him it apparently was- it is my own believe that his on-line "affairs" with a couple ow from his youth- just began taking over - not htat i'm a sex star- but i honestly believe it was guilt and his other activities that caused it.
mind you- i think lust & sex are products more of our brain's attraction than ahyting else.
anyway- MY POINT - i just thought i'd weigh in. i found out about ow and ea about 1.5 yr ago (for real). thought i'd die- no kidding- walked around in a fog of misery so thick you could cut it with a knife. i am dbing and just taking one day at a time. it's trite- but true. just get thru today, just try to sleep tonite- that's about it.
i'm somewhat "better" now- still dbing- still clueless - the ed seems to me like a problem i'll never be able to solve- half the time i want to throw in the towel- the other half i believe my h has a brain and if he can get over the excitement of new sex & ow & ea????? there is a possibility that what we had (which was quite good really) will have value again. it may be a hopeless proposition- i realize that now- but for the moment i am feeling stronger about the prospect of life alone if it ends up that way. i make myself do more things with more people outside the house - gal - I'M TRYING this-
MY INITIAL response , aside from the anger, why why why, insult- devastation (total utter devastation) and broken heart- WAS: WHY SHOUDL i hand over my life and let HIM decide it's over - make me miserable blah blah blah.
i picked up this divorce buster book- it described him & me to a T and i figured - worth a shot. I HATED THE THOUGHT of going down without a fight. just who i am.
that's my motivation at the moment. i'm garnering my own strength (of spirit i guess); i'm "just seeing" til i either know for sure i am done with him in my life altogether or he finishes it with me forever. one way or the other- who knows. i'm just keeping busy- keeping sane- keeping healthy - keeping on working on some things about me i can fix hopefully--
the sex thing is such a tough one- i cannot even imagine how we'll turn out. my h is convinced i think that he will never desire me again- me, i think it's new-ness & excitement and i can see him (objectively) trying desperately to be the guy he was in college.
i just don't know honestly how it will turn out. daily i want to have a giant blow-out and walk away. something stops me- i can't "let go" just yet - so i don't. don't let everyone else tell you what to do - after the dust settles - you're going to have to feel you did all you could or satisfied with your response/actions. if you can't root down to what it is you want- maybe db and float along til it bams you on the head and you know for sure.
that's what i'm trying todo- i can feel your pain. i didn't try to kill myself- but i was very surprised to find myself "not minding" the thought of being dead rather than alive. i'm not a end it all kind of gal- .
if you've got kids- you're very very lucky - hone in on all the good things you have- do it every single time you feel crappy - remind yourself of something good- there are plenty- even if it's being alive & healthy- and keep moving.
good luck- hope that was lucid. i'm not at my best in mornings- but we're all in your boat- it feels crazy most of the time and i'm bumbling along hoping i'm handling it okay- maybe am, maybe not- trying. it's all one can do. the pain will get a little better after some time- it sounds dopey to you i'm sure- i swear i thought it would kill me- and i was sorry for eery person i know who went thru it- and i didn't understand how very very awful it was.. now i do- no one should ever have to feel it- seems millions of folks do every minute of every day. we all can survive it i believe-
