TheUF - Changing gears - Dropping the rope?

[theUF]

Doing something I shouldn't, hoping to achieve what I need

(She disrespected me, but still took it for granted I would help her)

By accident my X's washing machine was thrown out a while back so I told her I would buy her a used one. I also told her I could deliver it to her place. She's been sick so it hasn't happend yet.

I've been sick the last days and have been home with S for the last two. Which worked out OK for her as she had lots of errands to run. I told her yesterday that probably I would deliver him today as I was hoping to be well and leaving for work tomorrow. Well this evening the fever kicked back in and I won't be going to work. I sent her a txt saying I could have him til tomorrow when she got off work if that worked out fine for her as well.

A couple minutes later as I was changing diaper, she called. Crancky and disrespectful. She asked if I could be there when she finished work and I said yes. She kind of puked a goodbye out, and we hung up.

I called her back when I was finished with S to tell her if something bothers her she can tell me b/c that would be more helpful than just being passive agressive.
I'm not going to help her or anyone else do something if they disrespect me.
She basically went into R talk mode, and I....yes...joined in. D@MN it. I was calm and tried to be in the passive side, but didn't kill the convo when I should have.

To sum it up:
(my replies in red)

**She needs a washing machine, now. I know, I bought you one, with guarantee, I drove it to your place but there was no one to help. You should feel happy about me buying you one, I owe you that. However I don't feel I owe you to get up from bed, sick, to move it FOR you with no help.

**She was angry that everything worked out so good for me and not her.
(WHAT?! I certainly don't agree lol) "Sorry you feel that way about it"

**She was, just angry. Annoyed. When asked why she said no reason, she was just annoyed by me as a person and annoyed at the way I am as a person. Always has been. That's why we don't get along, why we are not compatible and why things has been that bad all these years.
Ouch! Below the belt! Believe half of what they say. She wanted to marry me, she wanted to have kids, said I was her life etc. "well, I find it hard to believe things were that horrible as we were together for quite some time and had plans ahead" She just replied she didn't say things were horrible, and brushed it off.

**She didn't care how we talked to each other or if we argued, as long as it didn't affect S. The thing is, if we can't communicate better than this, it WILL affect S. She brushed it off.

**She says there is NOTHING, absolutely nothing, about her she needs to change and especially not for me. We both have things we need to change about ourself, but no it's not for ANYONE else, it's for ourselves as individuals.


**Today she would have had help with the machine. She had wanted me to deliever S today, as she didn't have any errands to run tomorrow so there was absolutely no reason for me to have him. Except the fact that I'm his father, he's my S and I love spending time with him? She swallowed her words and stalled a bit. Also, I asked you precisely "IF it's ok for you as well. And you said OK, you didn't say anything against that. Brushed that off as well.

Look, I didn't call to argue or get trash talked. I just wanted to be clear and not have a underlying issue here. she replied "I didn't expect you to call and I didn't want you to either." Well ok, bye then.

Wow. Yesterday she said she was sorry for replying to my txt so late(hour later). She had smileys in it. Last time we spent time together it was just dandy.
Now, this.
I know...stay out of R talks. Still, this was an unexpected response to it.

Is this normal behaviour for a WAS? Guessing it might be.
Still, it makes me uneasy. I don't know if this is the kind of instability I need in my life.

[theUF]

She called me back today before I came to deliever S. She was friendly and kind on the phone as well as in RL. I stayed a short bit to say good bye to S, but figured that even though things seemed friendly, we both need space, especially after yesterday.
I need to detach myself more.

This evenings goal:
R-E-L-A-X
and
Read through my thread again as well as read up on dependancy issues.

[chatterbug]

Go over the previous page .... Especially the Positives and Negatives...

Here is an idea..... OR talks.... Maybe you should start to not like them so much....

A suggestion.

When she calls cranky and disrespecting.

Calmly Speak and Enforce a BOUNDARY.

Then hang up the phone. Put it on mute and put it away for a few hours.

If you do not have a boundary in place. Then figure one out. Enforce it.

Actually 2 boundaries.

One for yourself as well when your cranky and disrespectful as well.

[theUF]

Here is an idea..... OR talks.... Maybe you should start to not like them so much....

Ouch, too spot on, LOL .

I've asked myself that.
Maybe I want to, deep down. Maybe that's why I keep ending up in them, b/c I think they will give me some knowledge on her side of this.

Well, I guess I need to get it in my head that it's not healthy and what did I get ? A bunch of hurtful statements.

I can't believe what she SAYS anyway, so there is no point in these unhealthy "discussions".

A suggestion.

When she calls cranky and disrespecting.

Calmly Speak and Enforce a BOUNDARY.

Then hang up the phone. Put it on mute and put it away for a few hours.

If you do not have a boundary in place. Then figure one out. Enforce it.

Actually 2 boundaries.

One for yourself as well when your cranky and disrespectful as well.

I've done quite good on not being cranky or disrespectful ever since BD. Of course this is in the eye of the beholder, but I've done far better than I expected.
I've realized my anger has been extremely counterproductive throughout the years so I've stopped being so reactive to it.

What I haven't been good at, at all, is your second point. Boundaries. I need to sit down this evening and work on that. What it means, what mine are, and HOW I will react if they are crossed.


At one point in our R she said I should seek proffesional help b/c of my upbringing and the way it has affected our R. Nothing traumatic, just something that I know deep down has affected our R badly.
I didn't take her advice very serious, and I never did seek help b/c I NEVER could see myself going to a counselor/phyciatrist.

Well, yesterday I conctacted one to set up an appointment after new years. It was really gut-wrenching. Hopefully it will help me handle future R('s) better.

[theUF]

My X stopped by today to pick up S. It was all good mood.
I am supposed to have S from Friday to Sunday and last half of Monday(christmas eve)
She said she wanted him on Sunday as she would not see him alot during christmas and I said it was OK.
She then said "I've asked to change shift at work on christmas eve, I don't think it will be any problem. If it works out, we can eat christmas breakfast together."
I don't know if she ment her and S, or the three of us, and I didn't ask either. I just acknowledged that I heard what she said. Time will tell anyway.



Since yesterday I've spent many hours going over the concept of boundaries.

Even started reading a book about it.
It turned out to be focused almost entirely around religion, and as I am not a religious man I found it a bit hard to balance religion with phsycology. It seems to have good points though.

I realize it's going to take more work and reflection than I thought, but I've got a good starting point laid out. Even got to use one point today, which worked out just how it should.

I realize that I've got to be consistent in putting boundaries related to my work. (and saying no in general) That seems to be the biggest imbalance in my life. I see now that I've spent too much time at work and it's an evil circle :

Too much time at work/never saying no ---> guilt towards friends and family ---> tries to do as much as possible for everyone when home with no time for everything, a lot of stress and half a$$ed commitments ---> OR is exhausted and does nothing at all ---> feels bad when saying no to work b/c I never do.

That only left me with feelings of being inadequate and unfulfilled. I'm glad I've started being more balanced on this point already, and I need to work more on it and be consistent.

Of course other boundaries need to be worked on as well. Disrespect, cake eating, guilt trips/manipulative behaviour, lying etc.

[chatterbug]

My X stopped by today to pick up S. It was all good mood.
I am supposed to have S from Friday to Sunday and last half of Monday(christmas eve)
She said she wanted him on Sunday as she would not see him alot during christmas and I said it was OK.
She then said "I've asked to change shift at work on christmas eve, I don't think it will be any problem. If it works out, we can eat christmas breakfast together."
I don't know if she ment her and S, or the three of us, and I didn't ask either. I just acknowledged that I heard what she said. Time will tell anyway.

Why? Why would you not clarify. And then offer a I will think about it or a yes or a no. This is part of the issue you have addressed as : I was not around.

You really should look at separating it to 1. Being away. 2. Coming across as you do not care when you do.

You see now you have set yourself up for a possible conflict because you have no idea if she walked away with an agreement or a decision on that conversation. You are working on your communication skills. So these are the times that you should step up and communicate your thoughts on the issue. Remember it is your time. It is yours to offer up as a shared day or not seeing your son on that day. She watches these conversations. When you lead you build respect. Leading here is listening. Acknowledging and making a decision. It does not have to be immediate. But it has to happen within a timely manor. Stop with the validation , validation , validation. It is a zero sum game that is not communication. It is a tool to be used on deflating anger , fear ....etc... without not offering anything of substance. Validation is just acknowledging yea I heard you when you know that is all your role is in the conversation.

Communication. You missed out on a conversation here. So I recommend while the conversation is fresh that you followup on the conversation on the open ended part of xmas eve and chirstmas morning. Just be truthful that you are unsure of what Lady UF expectations were for that time. If she was asking to join in on your time with you and your son. ( I think it would be a mistake to give up that time. This is a consequence to choices. Truth darts. I think if she expected to take him I would say no that you have compromised on some time already and that you really want to be with you son. )

This is something you should really address here. As it is an issue I see with you. Communication and sense of urgency. Work this out within yourself and you will see communication with LadyUF and yourself improve greatly ( as well in other communications with everyone around you).

Since yesterday I've spent many hours going over the concept of boundaries.

Even started reading a book about it.
It turned out to be focused almost entirely around religion, and as I am not a religious man I found it a bit hard to balance religion with phsycology. It seems to have good points though.

I realize it's going to take more work and reflection than I thought, but I've got a good starting point laid out. Even got to use one point today, which worked out just how it should.

I realize that I've got to be consistent in putting boundaries related to my work. (and saying no in general) That seems to be the biggest imbalance in my life. I see now that I've spent too much time at work and it's an evil circle :

Too much time at work/never saying no ---> guilt towards friends and family ---> tries to do as much as possible for everyone when home with no time for everything, a lot of stress and half a$$ed commitments ---> OR is exhausted and does nothing at all ---> feels bad when saying no to work b/c I never do.

That only left me with feelings of being inadequate and unfulfilled. I'm glad I've started being more balanced on this point already, and I need to work more on it and be consistent.

Of course other boundaries need to be worked on as well. Disrespect, cake eating, guilt trips/manipulative behaviour, lying etc.

A great way to set a boundary at work on hours is to address the issue of time management.

You have x amount of work hours and x amount of free time , x amount of sleep , x amount of day to day stuff , x amount of son time.

So build a schedule and manage your time.

You know your current schedule. You know your current time with son. You know your current work schedule to maintain your home and you know your current GAL activities.

So map it out. Schedule things. So when the question of can you do this at work , home , friends comes up.

You can look at your schedule and say yes, no , or lets work out an alternate solution.

Which goes back to what I said in the other area.

Communication and sense of urgency... Except here that urgency is with yourself.

A good first boundary to build on.

What your time is worth to yourself.

[theUF]

Why? Why would you not clarify. And then offer a I will think about it or a yes or a no.

Instead of clarifying, I stopped and thought about what she just said. Then I felt like I would be pressuring her if I asked her if she ment me being there as well. As if I'm just twisting what she says out of hope.

Stop with the validation , validation , validation. It is a zero sum game that is not communication. It is a tool to be used on deflating anger , fear ....etc... without not offering anything of substance. Validation is just acknowledging yea I heard you when you know that is all your role is in the conversation.

Yeah I see your point.
I simply validated to avoid a conversation about it.

Communication. You missed out on a conversation here. So I recommend while the conversation is fresh that you followup on the conversation on the open ended part of xmas eve and chirstmas morning. Just be truthful that you are unsure of what Lady UF expectations were for that time. If she was asking to join in on your time with you and your son. ( I think it would be a mistake to give up that time. This is a consequence to choices. Truth darts. I think if she expected to take him I would say no that you have compromised on some time already and that you really want to be with you son. )

First, to clarify.
She has already told me she changed shift on the 24th, that was about a month ago and we agreed she could have him the first half of the day.
I don't know why she brought it up as if it was something new.
Anyway, our agreement was for her to have him in the morning and me in the evening. That's why I pondered on what she ment by US having breakfast. She said it like she ment the three of us.

But as I said, I was afraid I'd come across as intrusive, which is not what I want to do now.

On the other hand, if she IS reaching out, what impression do I leave her with when I just nod my head like it doesn't matter.

And a sentence you gave me earlier pops up in my head "stop going into OR talks!".
And I ask myself, where is the point in going into OR talks and avoiding the healthy ones. I do have a lot to work on.

This is something you should really address here. As it is an issue I see with you. Communication and sense of urgency. Work this out within yourself and you will see communication with LadyUF and yourself improve greatly ( as well in other communications with everyone around you).

I don't believe our communication was this bad some years ago, but now it's tense. Maybe I'm afraid of making things worse. I do need to work on that and ease up.

Our project at work has reached it's end, they finished while I was sick(ugh). That leaves room for me to have S one of these weekdays. I need to discuss which day with my X tomorrow, and I will clarify what the plan for christmas will be.

I feel like the opposite of most WAS in terms of communication. We are both confused, and while a WAS might say a lot of crazy contradictive things, I just say as little as possible instead. None of which are very helpful.

I think if she expected to take him I would say no that you have compromised on some time already

Yes if that would have been the case I agree, I would decline. I don't want to compromise too much. The line she gave me the other day; "I don't have any errands to run tomorrow so there is no reason for you to have him" is still fresh in my memory. Even though it was in the heat of the moment, I surely hope that is not how she sees things, b/c that is far from the reality.

[chatterbug]

UF. I see you working hard at this so I am offering only tweeks... Unfortunately they come across as huge huge issues. Something that if we were having a beer over and talking about vs the written word. As it would have been one or two minutes in a conversation.... Ahh the weakness of the forum.

[theUF]

UF. I see you working hard at this so I am offering only tweeks... Unfortunately they come across as huge huge issues.

You give very good input CB, it's of great help.
I'm still early in the process, but I'm set on making progress and learning from this.

Something that if we were having a beer over and talking about vs the written word. As it would have been one or two minutes in a conversation.... Ahh the weakness of the forum.

Yes true, but crossing the atlantic just seems like such a hassle

[Valeska19]

Boundaries are for You. To Protect your heart and keep you on the path you have set for yourself

They are NOT for the other person.

It was easier for me to set boundaries when I dug deep into reasons why I did certain things.

Start with why you over extend yourself. Don't get me wrong - I do believe that there are people out there who love to give. I believe that acts of service as a love language and think people just LOVE helping people.

But I also believe acts of service can be a learned "love". A way to be worthy or feel accepted. Sometimes people show this "love" out of fear.

I'm not saying this is you - but there are reasons why you get exhausted.

When the guilt starts - ask yourself why do you feel guilty?

Do you feel that people won't think you care as much? Will they think bad of you?

Why do you feel you must do everything?

Once you figure that out - you can figure out the best boundary to set.