Stuck between a hard place and the biggest rock.

[25yearsmlc]

OK, resolve for the new year :

- Not TOUCH THE STOVE WHILE IT'S HOT.
Until now, it was almost a rule : contact her at least once a day, lest she forgets me.

everyone has that fear. Everyone of us. All you can be sure of now, is that contacting her seems to have pushed you farther away from her. Back off...


The reason is that if I don't contact her, guess what happens? Bingo, she doesn't contact me either... I tried to go semi-dark in the begining, as a 180 test, and this is what happened. Thus my fear...


Bruce, not sure when you went dark...you were supposed to prove your concern for your son and wife. Your actions have NOT HELPED YOU and have not worked.

That's hard to take but it's NOT complicated. It is simple.
You must give a different action a real chance...we are NOT saying to "go dark"....but we are saying to lovingly, respectfully, BACK OFF b/c she does not want to see you.

of course you should not be contacting her every day, let alone more than once.

The ONLY thing you two have to discuss AT THE MOMENT, while she refuses to see you, is your son.

Financial matters and other legal issues are to separated from that and worked out w/the lawyers. ***I'm NOT saying you can't front some money for a real need of your son's or that she must go to court for Every single request...but if it's too emotional or complex or unreasonable, then DEFER and REFER to the lawyers.


I will force myself to not initiate contact several times a day.

Absolutely stop this^^^^...It's a 180 to STOP calling her at all....and if you have been doing this, you were never dark or even dim. But the timing of going dark and the circumstances matter a great deal. INSIDE the marriage the concern is that you were too cold and selfish and not involved in their lives so going dark was the opposite of what was needed THEN...

But now, in today's situation you must back off. You may contact her, IF & ONLY IF, it's about your son....



- I WILL LET THE HOUSE BURN DOWN BEFORE REBUILDING.
Although I already thought a lot, and learnt big time, I must now be a patient man, If the opportunity is given to me again, not blow it a second time.
Also, if she doesn't have the feeling she lost me, she has no reason to want to find me again.


Give her the time and space to let the good memories resurface, which they wont' do while you are pressuring her or pointing them out, OR getting frustrated with her.

Those behaviors just reinforce her decision to leave.

Besides she needs time to believe you can back off, that you are in fact becoming a good father JUST for the sake of being a good father (without an immediately obvious follow up about "getting her back too 'which makes it look like a facade)...give her time to wonder if she might lose a good man.

NOT the man she left, but the man you are becoming.

don't think she has amnesia. She KNOWS you want to reconcile and she won't think a week of you not calling her means that you are off with OW ----BUT she might believe maybe you are trying to respect her wishes. That would be a 180, right?


- LEARN TO LISTEN AND EMPATHIZE.
For one, it will help me communicate with W, and allow me to ask questions without coming across as mad or manipulating (or accusing).

it will also help you become a better, kinder, man. Empathy is an essential ingredient in the ability to truly love another.

There. Thank you. Bruce

P.S. I have sent a version of the little text about her wishes and concerns about raising S together, because I have to answer very very soon about a day care spot that opens in January, or it'll go to someone else. Spots are rare here. I need her to agree to give me S every other week in January.
But the court hearing is only Jan. 18, and we don't know the result (although we wish it is 50-50%).
Unless I pay 600$ in January to secure the spot, (even if nobody shows up), but what a waste of money.

Ask your lawyer how long he believes (his best educated guess) it'll take for you to get SOME custody, enough to need daycare.

And if you have your son, are you saying you'd take him from his mom and put him in daycare?

Is she doing any daycare now, or is she or a family member with him at all times? That might matter a lot.

But in the grand scheme of things the worst case scenario might be you Do get him half time and then have nowhere to put him. That won't look good. How important and non refundable will that $600 be then?

good luck