Gator Girl, that's a crock, and I know you know it.
This MLC Business is the bootcamp of your emotional/spiritual life!
Yes, I do know it's a crock. It's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard in my life. Thank God the friend that he said it to called his bluff and said it was complete BS. And you ain't kidding about bootcamp. This stuff is unreal. I NEVER thought I would find myself here. If you'd told me a year ago that H's best friend would be dead, that he would be living somewhere else, that we would be on the brink of divorce and my dog would be dead, I would have told you that you were completely insane. And yet, here I am.
Tough times don't last. Tough people do.
You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. -Christopher Robin to Pooh
Romans 12:12 Rejoice in your hope, be patient in suffering, persevere in prayer.
I'm sorry you find yourself here, too. I am in no way qualified to give you any advice as I am fairly new to this as well. But, I can give you support. Take care of yourself and your children. I know I was a zombie for the first few weeks and I didn't have babies (well, not the two-legged kind) that I had to be emotionally engaged for. If you need to see your dr about any help with anxiety or sleeping, don't be afraid to do so. I went for weeks with no sleep and anxiety attacks until I finally gave in and spoke with my doctor. She was very helpful and it was amazing how much a full night's sleep can help clear your head.
All of the folks above have been giving wonderful advice that I have been gleaning just by reading other's threads. They are the ones that can provide you a solid sounding board.
Hugs to you and keep writing. It really does help.
Your story sounds mighty familiar - this same scenario happened a LOT in the wake of September 11. Grief-stricken firefighters comforting the widows and families of their fallen comrades, ending up bonding in their grief and having affairs.
I didn't even consider this but you're absolutely correct. I recall hearing multiple stories about this on the news in the wake of 9/11. It makes complete and total sense.
I think I've done a decent job of detaching so far. I realize that even if he IS having an EA with the niece that it doesn't matter. There's nothing I can do about it. I can control ME and the choices I make and nothing more.
You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. -Christopher Robin to Pooh
Romans 12:12 Rejoice in your hope, be patient in suffering, persevere in prayer.
It's amazing the similarities we have, different triggers, but all the same in the end. Married the same amount of time, young children, plus working, and it seems like our H started showing signs around the same time and are now in the same place. I am sure glad now that I have the security of being able to provide for my family myself. I have multiple friends who went through S or D who didn't have that, and it was really scary for them. Hugs for you and your sweet, little ones.
M38,H39 M:16Y BD:8/12 OWDB:11/12 S:11/12-5/13 "Temp" home:6/13 OW dropped:9/13 "I love you":12/13 H ring on:2/14 Depression back:5/15 "I'm done:" 7/15 H moved out: 3/16 H moved back: 12/16 Working on us: 3/17
I am sure glad now that I have the security of being able to provide for my family myself.
I don't know about you, but I've had LOTS of guilt over the years about being a working mom and this whole experience just wiped that guilty slate clean for me. I'm with you-so thankful that I can provide for them, especially since I have no idea what he will do next. It sounds like in most cases these things get worse before they get better and that worries me.
You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. -Christopher Robin to Pooh
Romans 12:12 Rejoice in your hope, be patient in suffering, persevere in prayer.
Today marks eight months since H's best friend was murdered. We have been very friendly over the last week or so (I really don't see the point in being any other way). He is very interested in seeing and keeping the children as much as he can, so that's good. He moved out three months ago yesterday. It all seems like such a whirlwind.
Cadet, I have read all of your threads and now just have to read the books. I have detached, am spending more time with friends, am doing more with my kids, have lost almost 20 pounds (back down to the weight I was in college) and have started a new job. Once I get settled in at work, I will start working out again, as I used to run and loved it. I'm looking forward to doing that again.
It amazes me how my H changed seemingly overnight. The story he has of how this has all gone in his head just blows my mind because it's such garbage. I confess that I wonder quite often if and when he will ever wake up and realize what he has done to himself, his children and the life we shared for more than a decade. I can't imagine what sort of pain he must be in to think that the best option for him is to leave his family and be away from them for good. However, this is his choice. I can't fix him and I can't save him. I have been gracious and patient up to this point and will continue to be no matter what happens.
I pray often for peace, patience and healing for all of us and ask my friends and family to do the same. My son prays every night for his dad to come home so we can be together as a family again. It's so sad. I tell him that sometimes God doesn't answer our prayers in the way we hope He will but that He has a plan for us.
Thank you everyone for your support and advice. It has helped tremendously. I am at the point where I am ok with whatever transpires. The last two big hurdles for me this year will be Christmas and our wedding anniversary on January 1. I am positive 2013 will be a better year and am looking forward to saying good riddance to 2012!
-GG
You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. -Christopher Robin to Pooh
Romans 12:12 Rejoice in your hope, be patient in suffering, persevere in prayer.
It amazes me how my H changed seemingly overnight. The story he has of how this has all gone in his head just blows my mind because it's such garbage. I confess that I wonder quite often if and when he will ever wake up and realize what he has done to himself, his children and the life we shared for more than a decade.
This is amazing, isn't it? I can almost pinpoint when the "switch" was flipped, and 20+ years gone bye-bye...so many here saw the same thing...that switch flip thingy. Weird...
Patience and grace and a lot of self-growth has kept our story being written so far. Like you, I am okay with whatever gets written, though I do have my preferences...
Yes, 2012, good-effin'-bye...
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
So, I know this forum in general is about keeping all of us from getting divorced, but is it horrible for me to say that I have to move on? I know H is deep in a MLC. There is nothing I can do for him or say to him to pull him out of it. I refuse to stand around and wait for him. If he comes back, I'll cross that bridge when I get to it and reassess the damage at that time, but I feel like I need to move on. Our 12th anniversary is on Tuesday. The roller coaster of emotion is much easier now that I have accepted my fate. I will not be the one to file but I do not plan on dragging my feet and making this divorce last forever either.
Any words of wisdom for me from some seasoned DBers? I do not expect him to come back. I actually expect him to serve me with papers after the first of the year. I see a new attorney in two weeks and would not be surprised if I get served shortly thereafter.
You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. -Christopher Robin to Pooh
Romans 12:12 Rejoice in your hope, be patient in suffering, persevere in prayer.
GG I know what you mean. I know from talking with others who have been divorced, this is the worse period, this limbo state. The worst thing for me is being such a person of action, and the only action for me at this point is to file. The thing with me though is I'm not ready to move on. I still am way too emotionally tied to my H. I'm not in a place emotionally to date, let alone physically with a baby 14 wks away. So if I got divorced right now I don't see it solving any problem but my need for action and resolution. Divorce will just have a whole new set of problems. I'm standing for hope, that the man I love is going to find himself and set things right. If I don't, I'll always have what if regrets. As they say though, D is just a piece of paper, and what is done can be undone. I don't know if I could feel the same way if my H was in a relationship with someone else. I've stopped assuming I know how I will or won't feel about things until they happen.
Standing has given me an opportunity for growth I never would have had. I'm a better person. I'm a better communicator. I have more compassion. I have time to work on me and recognize my faults and make changes. I will be a much better wife in the next relationship with H or someone else because of this.
I like The Hero's Wife's website and the reasons she gives why to stand. I'm standing for all of these reasons: Love Moral opposition to divorce For better or for worse In sickness and in health The dis-ease theory of MLC Marriage is a covenant For the kids Faith he will come through...better You know you are supposed to be together To learn and grow by not giving up, but by improving yourself and learning about relationships The person you loved and married is still in there somewhere You understand what part you played in this and you've grown from it You are being true to yourself and your heart
M38,H39 M:16Y BD:8/12 OWDB:11/12 S:11/12-5/13 "Temp" home:6/13 OW dropped:9/13 "I love you":12/13 H ring on:2/14 Depression back:5/15 "I'm done:" 7/15 H moved out: 3/16 H moved back: 12/16 Working on us: 3/17
GG, It's not horrible to say that you need to move on. The forum is about trying to save marriages, but not all marriages can be saved. You are the only one that can determine if and when you are ready to move on. You shouldn't sit around waiting on him, but you can move on w/your life and leave the door ajar. DBing is actually a tool for you. It is here to assist you while you are navigating limbo land. DBing is a tool that you can use any time, any place in your life.
I understand what you are saying and how you are feeling...I was there once and I could have written what you have posted. In fact, I openned the cage door and shoved my xh out into the cruel world. I have been divorced for a little more than 10 years. My xh remains stuck to this very day and is still acting like a teenager.
You can't do anything or say anything to pull him out of MLC. MLC has to run its course completely in order for him to grow up and become a mature adult. Some will come through and be the same or better, others will come through completely different and not someone you want to be with and others will remain stuck. Had you pulled him out of his MLC, he would have re-entered MLC at a later time and it would have been far worse than it is now.
The best advice that I can give you is to do what is right for you. If he should ever wake up and coming looking for you to try to reconcile, then you can make the decision as to whether you want to try again or not. Life is far too short and you need to live it to the fullest.
We are here to support you no matter what you decide. You'll still need support while going through the divorce process.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
