Changing Directions

[RegretfulLA]

This is the follow up to "He's Just Not That Into You - The Sequel"

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2306816&page=1

Very quick summary:

Bomb drop 6 months ago. I was out of the house for 3 months at H's request. Came back 3 months ago. Sleeping in guest room. Things were bad, then awful, then better, then a lot better, now fair to bad again after starting MC a month ago.

After pretty much flailing for the past few months - trying many different things with varying degrees of success, I have finally reached a limit that I knew I would reach at some point. I've been very frustrated that H has refused to budge or even listen to me. The fact that we are in MC confuses me because he's not willing to work on the R at all, so I wonder why we go there.

I've decided that I am finally ready to dig deeper and try harder to put my own issues aside. I think my unmet needs are interfering with the goal at hand. I've been doing too much pursuing for one thing.

I've started to read a book called "Why Talking Isn't Enough: 8 Loving Actions that Will Transform Your Marriage." So far it seems like it takes the DB principles and makes them even more actionable. Plus it takes the focus off H or the R/M, which I need to do.

[hopefulinga]

I'm interested in what you learn from the new book. I may check it out, although I've put the books down for the time being.

[labug]

RLA I read your post on the previous thread.

I think you've had a light bulb moment and that's good.

But just a caution, let go of outcomes and focus on you. When you get up each with the goal of creating YOU and the life you want, the outcomes often take care of themselves.

And you will feel so. much. better.

I'm happy for you, you sound lighter.

[Spartan]

RLA - I'm glad you made those lists and now understand what you want and don't want. I'm also happy that your tone is more about you and not the anger towards your H. Keep working on you!

Keep us posted on that book, I'm reading Happiness Trap now (very interesting book) but this might be next one on list.

[RegretfulLA]

But just a caution, let go of outcomes and focus on you. When you get up each with the goal of creating YOU and the life you want, the outcomes often take care of themselves.

This is exactly what my new little book is telling me to do. Don't focus on the outcomes. It says to treat everything you do as an experiment and NOTE the outcome, but not to do things BECAUSE of an outcome.

I found out my job got extended by a few more months - I'll be there until at least March now. Going there keeps me grounded, keeps my mind off the sitch. Plus the money of course helps.

[25yearsmlc]

I think you've had a pivotal experience, and so, make it count.

I like where you are, and where you are headed. Keep us posted. I may read that book b/c it sounds like DBing but explained differently.

I have tried to explain to people that sometimes this is ALL ABOUT US and not about our spouses,

not b/c I want to absolve the wayward or harsh spouse, but b/c it is about our growth and it's all we can control. And it always leads to better things in life even if the marriage is not restored.

making it about spiritual growth, is the same thing but better worded.

So, thank you for this.

[JuneReN]

Hey Chica.... (()) every morning

Today I served Christmas lunch to the senior home and sang Christmas carols. I am carrying that small glow with me and today? I have focused mostly(lol) on me.

I am kind of glad you extended. Gives you a little focus, no?

[hopefulinga]

Good news on the job being extended. I hope that reading this book helps you to focus more on you and living for you no matter what happens.

Your posts sound like where I was before I saw that H was looking at the homes we couldn't afford. I felt like I was clinging on to the M and was getting frustrated with making so many changes, but he wasn't. And he wasn't admitting his role, taking responsibility, etc. etc. I know you know what I'm talking about.

Now that I am focusing on my future, I am really starting to not care or be reactive to my H. I still love him and would like the M to work, but I know I'll be ok. It will still be emotional and hard if/when I move and I know I will still have bad days. But I am also starting to envision life without the black cloud over me.

I hope that reading this book and not worrying about the outcome helps you to detach more. Have you ever talked to your IC about the reality that H may want a D and what that looks like for you?

[RegretfulLA]

Thanks for the support ladies! So far, so good... of course I'm only a day or two into my "new" outlook. I know that I have to be in it for me now.

I also have to accept the reality that I've known since OM1 that maybe our M wasn't going to work out; maybe H is just not the right person for me. Otherwise I wouldn't have been considering OM1 so seriously. I think OM1 was the catalyst that put those thoughts into play. Yes, there was a lot of fantasy there but it also brought a lot of the real negatives into the forefront.

For instance - just a small instance - every year I would get invited to a friend from work's holiday party and every year my H would decline to go because he "didn't feel like it." One year he even said to me "Remember your wedding vows" as I was walking out the door. What the hell is that? Sorry, I know that's focusing on H and I need to stop doing that.

The other thing I realized today is that OM2 sort of opened up a Pandora's box inside me - all my fears and issues kind of came to light when he stepped into the picture. As I made the decision to let him in I had to figure out whether to trust him and I tested him a lot and unloaded a lot of my own crap. This was crap that had been buried and ignored for a long time and that I probably should have been dealing with all along.

So those are my two insights for the day...

This morning we went to the kids Winter pageant and we are going to put up our tree later. H sat with me and my parents and in a lot of ways it's like nothing has really changed. Also an interesting thing that happened earlier this week - I mentioned I had a craving for fried chicken and so H made it from scratch. He hasn't made fried chicken in about 10 years. I was surprised that he did that.

We are going to a few holiday parties this weekend. One we are going to together. I also got invited to another one - people from my old job - and for the 3rd or 4th year in a row, H declined to go, which is JUST FINE SINCE I'M LIVING FOR ME NOW.

[RegretfulLA]

Today we got our Xmas tree and I spent some time decorating it tonight. I put on the holiday tunes and just enjoyed myself decorating the tree. H never helps so that was nothing new.

He wanted to go buy the tree himself but I wanted to go too, which meant dragging the kids along. He started to put up a stink but relented and I told him I appreciated it.

I washed the dishes for him tonight as my "act of goodwill". I wasn't resentful about it - I didn't mind doing it at all.

Decorating the tree reminded me how much I do enjoy the holidays when I'm not buried in stress. Last year, I didn't enjoy the holidays at all because we had just moved and I felt so unsettled, plus H and I were at each other's throats. Tomorrow makes one year since we moved into this house and I'm just starting to feel settled in it. If I can get the junkyard we call a guest room (e.g., my room) cleaned up, I'll really feel good. That's my goal for the next few weeks.