you know- i get some similar type junk - and it's junk.
my reading of my h saying "i won't stop you if you need to do x, y or z" is that he is willing to allow me to walk out of his life because i guess he reckons ow is "enough" for him.
his life is sooooooo full now that he has re-connected with her and allll his buddies. (and this guy was the most outrageous recluse for past 30 years ! wtf ( ) i say that alot - don't I???
i speculate that he doesn't have the darn guts to end it with me because :
a) he'd feel like the bad guy (he is) & it doesn't fit with his image of self in mind.
b) no stinking guts at all - keep runing away from confrontation and sooner or later i'll do it for him.
c) still cares more than he'd like (?) - sometimes i think it- sometimes i think i'm as big a nut as him if i believe it.
d) mwd says MOST people who can ride it out manage to keep the r together in the end. IN THE END - WHEN that end is- who knows? can you do it??? can i do it??? is it worth it??? not a darn clue.
i get same stupid - non-meaningful thing. "i don't think we should get out of each otehr/s lives."???? "stay til you have someting better to do or go to - ".??? .blah blah blah-
i can't even go there or list junk- this man here is totally immersed in his own stupid - cruel world. he thinks paying bills or buying me something makes up for treating me like his stinking dog. arf arf...
i don't LEAVE - SO I GUESS he assumes it's working and i'll "get used to it". i honestly think he believes it. i have not disabused him of the notion. best done when my plan is secure and i am truly ready to walk. i don't think one minute before that time i'll say it out loud. he can figure what the heck he wants.
sometimes i feel almost sorry or guilty to not tell him where he's heading with this- then remember i've said it all back in the beginning- and he can remember or not. if he's too blind or dopey to take it seriously- then at this point i cannot "save" him from his own stupid course of action. this is not funny or casual to me - and i don't want any blowup and parting before i'm ready- or the initiating party. I'll deal IF I HAVE TO , if there's a surprise blowup on his part. otherwise- i'll bite my tongue and hang here til i f'ing xplode if i have to - to take care of myself and insure as best possible my future or plan.
i think it's "war" - and much as we'd like to assume good of them- i don't think they feel it anymore. it hurts- but it might be true. they don't give a damn what they're doing to us- how we feel - or how they crush our hearts or souls- if that ain't "war" i don't know what is.
soooo- it goes against my grain- but i'm not opening up about anything in the universe to this guy. if he totally totally ruins every single thing about us and we never even see each other's faces again- it will be his own doing. i'm just still gonna work on getting "tough" and used to the idea of ALONE - ETC.
MY H IS A LIAR - FIRST and foremost. i am not bankng on anything he says. he says live here as long as you want- i'd never force you to sell- yeah rite. he's lied for soooo long- now that i know it- how the hck would i ever really believe anything out of his mouth. he'd be surprised to hear that- he is kinda crazy.
i'm outta here- can you see me just degenerating into spewing myself??? it's that glass of wine and being soooo angry and disenchanted over this school shooting and the horror and totally unacceptible-ness of it all. i have had it- this country needs to quit bragging about how great we are- look at the values of our countrymen and do something new - no guns- no violence - we're not a frontier anymore. how can we function if we have to fear for our kids in school???? i swer- if i could get myself to washington tonite i'd be marching in front of the whitehouse saying no more guns- no more terrorism at the hands of armed americans - no more fear - blah blah blah- oh man... i need to go sleep this off or something.
here's what i find myself thinking to say to you. if i read the whole db spiel rite- the advice would be- hang in there- don't just throw in the towel and make it easy for him.
the ea stuff stinks- learn to go somewhere else in your head- it's all about out-enduring the ow and whatever is on the table.
