I would love some feedback if anyone has any. I broke the rules by bringing up the M last night to my H, I know. But after 2 months of not even a hug, I wanted something so I could understand a little more. So I just wanted to update a little...things are still good as far as getting along goes. We're spending lots of time together like we used to, going out, doing things, spending quality time. But no intimacy, closeness like we had, no ILY, handholding, or sex.
Last night when we were in the car, we passed a sex shop on the street we were driving on. After commenting on how empty the pkg lot always looked, I half jokingly said something like "Are we ever going to have sex again?"
H: (Chuckled) Well, we're not even sleeping in the same bed right now.
Me: That's because you decided to leave the bed.
H: Well there's a lot of stuff happening between us.
Me: Ok, can you tell me what that would be?
H: So you don't know.
Me: I know what happened during our last fight, but I'm sure I see things from one perspective, and you see them from another.
H: Well it wasn't good. You don't ever just let me say "I don't want to talk about this anymore", you just keep going and keep going, and I have no choice in it. So I decided to put my foot down and that I'd had enough. I'm not going to deal with that again. I put a stop to it.
Me: so it's all because of me?
H: Yes.
Me: Do you feel like all our problems are because of me, then?
H: No I'm not saying that.
Me: (fighting the urge to get angry): So you're saying that when we fight, I don't let you drop the subject. I just keep going.
H: Yes and I'm not dealing with it anymore. I decided I'm done with it.
Me: And that was 2 months ago. We haven't slept in the same bed in 2 months.
H: yeah, and there have been no problems in 2 months either.
Me: I have apologized about it, and you're right. It wasn't right of me to do. I felt terrible about it, and it's something I'm working to change. But this is not not just going to go away on its own.
H: I'm not saying it's all you.
(I was starting to get upset and angry so I dropped it for a while)
LATER on the drive home
Me: Can I ask you something?
H: (Silence)
Me: Yes? (he nods) That entire time you weren't wearing your ring, did anyone ask you about why you weren't wearing it all of a sudden? After 4 years of having it on?
H: No. No one noticed. Who's going to ask something like that? That would be rude.
Me: People do talk about their relationships at your workplace. You don't think any of your friends or workplace people noticed?
H: no one would ask about that.
Me: What would you have said if they had?
H: I don't know. Why?
Me: I don't know.
H: Why?
Me: You just seem kind of - indifferent about the whole thing, so "whatever" about it all.
H: (Silence)
I dropped it there, I just became too overwhelmed with emotion about it. I've been pretty good at detaching these past couple of months, but my curiosity got the best of me and that's what I get.
I'm grateful at least I know what his issue is with me. I just felt hurt and angry about him calling all the shots for so long and me having no say. And as things continue to improve on the spending time front, he's seeing this as good that we're not in the same bed because there's no conflict?? There's less conflict because I'm working really hard at that and focusing on me (much of the time, anyway)...
It never would've even come up if I hadn't asked him about it. I still don't even know if he's attracted to me anymore. (Probably not much right now!) And I am still working on letting go of and trying to forgive the A he had and all the things I feel "he did to me". He is right in that I don't let things go when we're arguing. But to just withdraw all your love and affection for months just seems super over the top to me.
I'm just confused as to what to do. Do I just let this slide, continue to sleep in separate beds and hope for the best "one day"? I'd be lying completely if I said I didn't feel really abandoned and lonely. And pissed off sometimes like today. I'm not perfect, and I know I never will be. But how do you deal with the sex issue when you're waiting?
I feel like he has all the control and say so in our sex life right now. Well, he does. So what can I do? Keep detaching, GAL? Ignore the pink elephant in the middle of my house? Go out of town for a few days? I'm just really uncomfortable being on hold and not sure how to express emotion for him. I've ceased telling him how I feel about him, crying in front of him, hugging him and initiating any kind of sex (if you don't count yesterday's talk). Ugh I'm sure this sounds like I'm complaining, and I probably am. I'm just having one of those days....
