Thanks FY. I agree with what you are saying. However, I do not see W during the week anyway since we separated (except S pick up Friday evening and drop S things off Monday morning after I leave him at school) so it would make no difference. I will still do pick up and drop off as usual. I would just be staying away from Monday and coming back Friday afternoon each week. Obviously not during christmas period either and it will be for a max of 2 months (I would never do this permanently). We can also still talk on the phone/text etc.
Since you're already separated, and the job would only be temp, then I think you may be correct, it might not matter much to your sitch.
Long distance relationships seldom work long term, Right? I hope to hear others POV on this.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Thanks FY and if W was at home (even if we were S at home) I would not do this. I hope to see others POV too - if it is a mistake I will put the whole thing off.
Emotions been all over the place today. Can't seem to get W out of my head and doubting my decision to take up the opp at work even more. I think the thought of working away has made me focus on what W will think, will it help or hinder DB etc etc which is something in hindsight I could have done without right now. I had a good routine going and have gone and broken it! I will see how I feel tomorrow but at the moment am tempted to forget the idea.
My energy levels seem to have plummeted these last 24 hrs. Can't remember the last time I just relaxed at home with a DVD or something. So thats exactly what I am going to do and hopefully tomorrow I will feel a bit more refreshed.
Kept S busy again today with horse riding, swimming etc and he has been hard work today with behaviour.
It seems to me that if it is only for 2 months and you'll be earning some extra ££ that it makes sense to take the promotion. I wouldn't think that if it were permanent.
By the way, I'm not surprised that your energy levels have plummeted. You've had a lot to think about and your day with S sounds very full. Also, dealing with difficult behaviour is exhausting in itself. My S13 has started keeping his food in his cheeks and then spitting it out. Just dealing with that is tiring.
Hope you're having a relaxing evening, rkyfat.
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
Yes I did have a relaxing evening. Forgot to mention I crashed the car Thursday night, job interview Friday, and then today S somehow managed to open the door to the washing machine which hadnt emptied and flooded the kitchen and half the dining room! So whilst I had a relaxing evening I spent most of this afternoon drying out the floor and trying to repair the washing machine (to no avail)!!!...good job I kept on top of the laundry as one of my 180's
I also leave for London tomorrow after dropping S off at school and when I came to pack this evening realised W has taken all the small suitcases! arghhh.
So stress levels up - although of course this all pales in comparison to DBing
Another good day but quite by accident. I dropped S off at school and called around at W to drop his things off before setting off to work away for the week.
W asked me in, we had coffee and talked. She told me again she thinks she is starting menopause and she will see a doctor. Said she has been feeling ill a lot, headaches, more pain and heavier periods etc. I just listened for most of it but said I am glad she is seeing a doctor at last.
I made my move to go before I overstayed my welcome and at the front door this time she initiated a hug. As I moved in she kissed me. A friendly kiss but a kiss. She told me to text her when I got to work (I am working away this week).
I had been travelling about 30 mins n got stuck in traffic (major accident) where I sat for the next 4.5 hrs. I text W to say I hadn't got v far. She said when the traffic starts moving turn around and she will make me some dinner. I can then set off later when the roads are quiet. So I went to W for dinner, spent more time with S and talked with W. Again, not wanting to overstay my welcome i thanked her n when S was ready for bed said my goodbyes and went. She gave me another hug n said text her tomorrow to let her know I'm ok.
She asked about xmas day again. I said I had a few invites for xmas dinner (which I have)and kept my part of the conversation brief. She then invited me over for xmas dinner which I accepted. But strangely she then said I cld have S xmas eve overnight n then bring him to hers with me in the afternoon for xmas dinner.
Now I am pleased with this but I thought it strange that W did not want to wake up with S xmas day. She said that this way I get to have him for part of xmas week n she gets the other half. S does not rly understand xmas but the last 2 yrs has taken a bit more interest in presents.
I am pretty sure now that I am also caught in the pursuit/distamce dance as well and need to be v careful as her actions (hugs etc) make my feelings for her come flooding back and make me want to pursue. At least I recognise it!
So more positives but I am still worried about W. She just seems worn out and not like she is enjoying life at all (guess the stress of moving is taking its toll) The house is plain with no xmas decorations. I asked if she had a tree and she said she bought a cheap artifical one but isn't too bothered about putting it up. W was always the one that loved doing the tree so this is a complete 180 for her.
Last post before I start a new thread as I am now well and truly out of the abyss so time to summarise!
My temp promotion went v well this week and am now sure it was the right decision. A new challenge, met lots of new people in another office(got an invite to their xmas party too) and the time away has done me the world of good.
After the 6 hour drive back today went straight to pick S up from W. I was v upbeat when I arrived, W made me a drink and offered me some dinner to take and heat up when I arrived home (2nd time she has done this in as many weeks as well as me staying for dinner on Monday).
We had a general catch up and some laughs as well.
I have a few meals planned with new work mates next week so looking forward to that.
I have since the start of this thread adopted the principle that I will get on with my life regardless, maintain a PMA and keep limited contact with W other than pick ups and drop offs (pick up S from hers on Fridays, drop him at school on Monday and then drop his things off at W before going to work).
So far it is working v well. W has shown good signs:
- texts includes smiley faces, kisses etc for the first time since BD - not all but a lot of them
- we joke and feel more comfortable together and always have a lot to say when we do see each other
- she has invited me over for xmas dinner
- we have hugged the last 2 Mondays before I head to work. I even got a hug and a kiss that she initiated this week.
All this is much better than I could have hoped for so soon after she moved out.
I am still a bit guarded as I keep in mind that W may still feel guilt and there may be other things come out of the closet which may catch me out.
I have still not achieved my last goal for this period which was a joint activity with S, but at the moment don't want to push it either whilst thinks have stabilised and I know she is glad of the break when I take him during the weekends.
So I have achieved more or less what I set out to. I think it is now safe to start working on her primary love language (words of affirmation) without it appearing like I am trying to win her back or getting my head bitten off! so my next goals in the new year will be to work on this more and gauge her reaction.
Thank you all for your continued support even if it is confirmation that I am doing the right thing. It means so much and I hope you will continue to follow when I start my new thread....."out of the abyss". I am also open to tough love as I am still not 100% sure of my own actions so please chip in if there is anything I need to stop or do differently.
You know I believe in building the connection, and it appears that's what you guys have been doing.
It sounds like the new job opportunity has done you well. I too have found having a REAL PMA makes a big difference. Sure, I did the "fake it till you make it" thing in the beginning, but I think after all the years together our partners can tell when it's not real.
Seriously, it sounds like when you two get together you have more fun than my wife and I, and she's still in our home!
Yeah, I too hope it's not the guilt driving her "friendliness". Stay detached and move forward slowly.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Like FY, I think you're on the right path. There are so many positives.
I wouldn't try to organise a family outing though. Wait for her to suggest that she join you or that you join them. I think it's better if she feels the desire to do something as a threesome.
I can imagine not being fussed ab a Xmas tree if I were living on my own so I wouldn't worry too much about that.
I look forward to your next thread. Congratulations on getting out of the abyss!
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
Thanks wendylon and FY. Was a bit premature as today when dropped S things off with W she changed her mind about xmas day. Said it wldnt feel right and we need to move on, that xmas dinner togther wld not feel like moving on! I validated her and said no problem. However, she wants me to have both kids xmas even and xmas day, then take them to hers in the afternoon on xmas day!
She had a plan that I cld have my xmas dinner with the kids on xmas eve instead. I said thanks but it did not feel right to me this way and that I was not planning to cook xmas dinner on xmas eve. That I was thinking of going out.
She then says it is important to her that I have an xmas dinner of my own with the kids.
She then went onto say that it feels weird being in the M house and that her new place is her space now. Not rly sure what she meant by that.
She then started crying again and apologised that she does this every time she sees me. We can have a joke and 5 mins later she will be in tears.
I said I wld think about xmas eve.
So, I am dissapointed but not surprised re xmas day and have got other plans.
Why does she keep crying?
Why the sudden turnaround? Is this common?
Does anyone else think it strange that a mother does not want her kids around xmas day morning....and yes I have thought of possibility of om being there.
It came to me leaving and she gave me a hug saying we can still give each other a hug.
I also noticed what I think were some mens clothes on the drying rail but did not say anything.
A bit confused at the moment and emotionally brought down a peg or two!
