This is a question you're likely to see quite often on the DB board, and I think the answer depends upon the individual situations. Since your W doesn't want you to do nice things for her, my vote would be that you not get her a gift. You see, as long as you are doing those traditional, or family type things...then nothing has changed due to her S from you and the kids.
Please think about what I'm saying very carefully. Just as you are having trouble knowing how to detach....and where to draw the line, so will you have trouble knowing where to draw the line in holiday traditions, as well as other family events. Your heart wants to give. Your heart wants to show her you love her. You could easily mesh that with what I said yesterday about living by your personal standards, and the day before when I said "do the right thing". It's really hard b/c your emotions are wanting to lead.....and after all, we think that giving gifts is always the right thing to do. It has to be your personal decision.
If you choose not to get a gift, it should not be b/c of spite or punishment. It should be with the purpose of abiding by her own wishes.....which (if I understand correctly) is to end any acts of showing her or giving her anything nice. She could not even look you in the eye on your birthday. While you're trying to figure out if it's b/c of her guilt or whatever, I think I know why. It's b/c she is sending you the message that she's through. She's done. She wants no more to be a part of doing things together like "birthdays", or "Christmas" I dare say. She is the one who wishes to change things. It's my belief that until she can experience those changes she's wanting so much....the R between the two of you will get worse. A woman becomes a horrible person when she's trying to get a message through the man's head and she thinks he's not getting it. If you continue to do the same actions as always, she'll think you aren't getting it.
A lot of men say they are going to give a gift b/c it makes him (the LBH) feel better. Pursuing makes him feel better too, but it isn't what works with a WAW. Gift giving is gift giving. It is kind of surprising just how many in the LBS category really, really struggle with the idea of not giving a gift to their WAS......even if they are being told it would be a bad move. I've heard a lot of excuses over the years, but the most common one is that it's for them. Every stitch is different.
It is a slice of tough love, which many do not believe in doing. Like I said, this is JMHO, and you certainly have the option to choose which way you think is best. Whatever you decide, just don't set yourself up for a big disappoint.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
