I'm sorry you are having a rough time of it. She's rewriting history and it's all part of the mlc script. You should know whether your marriage was live or memorex and if it was a good one. No marriage is perfect, but I'm sure that there were many good memories and times shared together. She's just in a very dark place right now and nothing about the relationship will be happy at the moment. It's the depression talking.
If she's apologizing, be thankful. Many of us don't receive any type of apology for what our spouses have done. Most likely her lips are moving and you are hearing the words, but you don't feel any empathy coming from her. That's typical while in crisis. There is no empathy or compassion for us...again the depression talking. In her mind, she doesn't realize that she is emotionally abusing you.
Well, I have to remind you, ultimatums don't work well on the mlcer. They take the easiest and quickest route to happiness and that would be the affair partner. They aren't big on working on their issues until they've gone through some of the stages. The more you talk about the om, the more determined she will be to continue seeing him and she will protect him.
Please stop expecting her to be a certain way, i.e., communicating more. Expectations will tear you down each and every time you are expecting her to react the way that you think she should. The person you are dealing with is the complete mirror image opposite of the woman you were married to pre-crisis. Your way of thinking now has to change and keep your expectations at ZERO at all times.
You can't fix her because you didn't break her. You can't control her, she is a grown woman and right now, her unresolved issues are calling her name and she needs to deal w/them. You weren't asked to join her on her journey, because you were not part of her stunted emotional childhood. Drop the rope, let her go and find herself. Time, patience, compassion and educating yourself about mlc and how to move forward and yet stand are the keys to helping you survive her crisis.
You are now on your own journey. Your journey is to do the things that you've not done in a long time, reconnect w/old friends and family members that you've not heard from in a long time. It is a time to develop new hobbies, go back to school, or to just rediscover yourself. It's a time to change things in your life that can become permanent, such as, if you weren't a patient man before, you can work on that now. It's a time to move forward, leave the door ajar, and if she decides to visit, then so be it...but the world doesn't stand still for any of us.
BTW, you are not done. You are hitting a wall because you are focusing entirely too much on her. You are trying to fix her and you can't. Drop the rope...keep the focus on you. Allow God to work on her.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
