I haven’t evaluated goals or set new ones in quite a while so figured perfect place to do that is start of new thread. Here goes.
We’ll start with previous goals and status:
Don’t separate, stay living together • Discussed numerous times early but so far still together. Still afraid S may be eventually required to save M
Start exercising more • Been very active and in best shape of life. I’m also eating healthy
Spend more time with kids, be happy around them • Been easier than I thought and loving every minute of it
Talk with W without fighting (about R and small talk) • Doing pretty good for most part
Convince her to cancel/ delay D proceeding • Not a good goal I realize because not in my control. Haven’t accomplished it either
Get in Word more and increase my faith • Read Bible almost daily and have become closer with guys from church
Stop asking questions and stop trying to control situations/ outcomes • Still working on this but getting much better recently.
Detach • Haven’t been very successful here for reasons in above post. If I don’t believe improvements in M are being made in next 1-2 months I will go at this one again. For now not sure it makes sense because W thinks I’ve been detached for years while I thought I was engaged. Now I’m engaging ‘properly’.
New goals Establish friendship with W so she wants to be with me • Start being funny again • Be supportive • Give her space (no questioning) • Listen to what she says and empathize • Validate her feelings and needs • Give her full attention during talks • Don’t bring up past • Don’t criticize or try to fix • Compliment her on things and stop assuming she knows I appreciate • Try not to say anything that seems controlling or manipulative
Work on my own interests • Workout regularly • Learn to play guitar • Spend more quality time with kids • Read more • Don’t feel bad playing occasional video game
Speak in W’s love language • Do acts of service w/o being asked • Listen when she talks
Stop pursuit behavior • Don’t bring up R • Discuss with her when she brings up but don’t pressure what I want during talks • Don’t discuss impact of D on kids • Don’t look for reassurance
Some outcomes I hope to see if I achieve these goals • Become friends with W again, enjoy small talks and finding out about her, enjoy spending time together without kids • R talks don’t sway to D but instead more towards reconciling • Receive words of affirmation from W (this is my LL) • Plant seeds of doubt regarding D with W to get D process stopped or at least put on hold (get more time) • Start either MC or Retrouvaille or similar type help • Physical contact (hold hands, hug, her be receptive or initiate kiss, ML) • Go on a date
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
