Title for this thread is basically my goal is to now stop, or at least slow down, the D process since paperwork is filed and lawyers are retained. I’ll continue to show her the new me and try to remember time is on my side.
To summarize thread #1, mid-October she filed for D and I had no idea it was coming. We hadn’t done any MC or even discussed the M was in that bad of shape. We’ve never communicated our feelings to each other in our M and it still bothers me she went as far as filing without us even discussing things but it’s what she felt she needed to do so I have to respect that. I actually thought we were doing better this year up to that then the previous 2-3 years. Typical LBS there with me being in dark on how bad she was doing; I’m still shocked at myself for needing her to file for me to change but at least I’m changing now...
After BD I did all the wrong stuff (begged, cried, pleaded, etc…) and it drove her further away and we fought a lot the first couple weeks. I found this site, read the books, and did some soul searching and realized I had a lot of issues that needed work. I always secretly blamed her for our issues and never really worked on me even when I said I was (yes I had a HUGE ego). I hit rock bottom and I’ll admit to some very dark days, I went from being God’s gift to earth with everything revolving around me to being the lowest scum on the planet. I thankfully reached out to some close friends, quickly got out of that mindset; realized humility is a good thing and decided to change. I did (am doing) 180’s on all my big issues immediately both for me and the M. Since then I’m feeling much better about myself, I’m in the best shape I’ve been in since college (never been really our of shape but now starting to look ripped again ), I’m dressing better and not just wearing Under Armor and Nike, and I’m enjoying every single minute with my kids. Not sure if makes sense but I even feel better about my W since I no longer blame her or expect her to make me happy. I still occasionally backslide when my emotions are running wild but overall the 180’s are starting to feel more natural and I’ve figured out to just shut it down when the emotions are out of control.
W and I are still in same house and sleeping in same bed again since about Thanksgiving. She still says she’s set on D when R talk comes up but she isn’t disengaging and instead is doing more things with me and kids. We have a D7 and a S4 that we still haven’t told who still think we’re the perfect family; I pray every day they never have to hear about what’s going on and we can get through this before telling them anything. Our first actual trial date is set for Feb which is the same time we’re going on a family cruise. We just recently agreed to still go on the trip together a few weeks ago. We aren’t fighting much anymore and are actually getting along pretty well. I know I’m not detaching at all because I feel like I need to show her the new me. I’m trying to consistently show her my 180’s and make her realize what she’s giving up. Sometimes I think it’s working by her attitude and her initiating more talks/ phone calls when apart but when she talks she still says that D is best option. In our last talk she did say only time will tell on my changes which at this point all I really want is more time. I’ve started talking in her LL’s probably for first time ever and I think she’s starting to notice. I’m helping her set up a non-profit foundation and website that we initially discussed about a year ago and we’ve been working well together on that. I personally really enjoy website design and setting these types of things up so it’s a win/win. I have hope for our situation but I’m working very hard to keep expectations in check and living in the moment rather than doing things for an outcome. I know there is still a LONG way to go to even get to piecing because once my W has made a decision it’s very difficult for her to change her mind and she still saying she wants D.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
