She said, "You say you want this to work out, but you don't do anything. You don't snuggle, give me hugs, say nice things, or call/text to say 'Hi.' I can't do this myself." I responded, "Do you mean I don't do these in general, or in this moment?" She answered, "In general. Every night I snuggle your back as you face away from me. If you want this to work we both need to try."
I wish I had more expertise in this area, but it sounds like you're in a gray area between DB'ing and piecing. I don't think you should continue the detachment at this point. Your W is specifically asking you to start reaching out and you probably should. I'm not talking about going "all in", but start showing her you're still interested. Have you ever talked to a DB coach? This would be a really good time to discuss this with one, I think they know more about this gray area than any counselors out there would.
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She's still secretive with her phone, possibly due to the unconfirmed OM (who's moving across the country in January).
That's a big sticking point. I would think that in order to really get into piecing/ reconciling she's got to offer transparency there.
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Some days she seems to want to work on us, others she's very distant.
Keep in mind that this kind of distant/ pursuit dynamic is normal even in a healthy relationship. Not sure how extreme it is in your R, but if it's not super crazy swings I wouldn't worry about it too much.
