It will get better, mizjjd. The first year is the worst, but eventually you get sick of crying, sick of thinking about it, about him. I know, 'cause I've been through this cr*p for 7 years. You just have to find a way to drop the rope of hope. Have no expectations. Detach, and have strict boundaries. I know what you mean about the spouse being part of them, the part that they're abusing I might add. My H still comes home from his trips ... he hasn't grasped the notion that there won't be a home to come back to where I will be there, in a very short time.
Hope you get to sleep soon. I am awake because my D20 is having a party with her friends, and it's noisy. Oh well! Watching the Iron Chef which I enjoy, despite the fact that I'm not a very good cook. ;/
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I figure its GOT to get better or it might kill me.
I do have a few days where it IS better, but then something triggers a relapse and down I go.
SEVEN years and your H is still clueless? Astonishing.
Btw, I see you have twins as well - 4 all together too. Thank heavens for those kiddos, some times I wonder if they are what keeps me from completely drowning in the whirlpool.
Thank you for checking in with me.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
I'm surprised your h didn't say you changed the shape of the moon! Oh, the way they say things and blame us for them is unbelieveable. If it weren't so very much part of the script, you would think you were at fault.
Your h doesn't think the online EA is an affair because it is not physical. Remember Bill Clinton and dear old Monica? It's a similiar way of thinking. Unless it's physical, he's not thinking of it as a "real life" affair. To him, it's just bsing online and chatting up a storm. To us, it is an affair and it hurts deeply. It's a lack of trust and respect to us and mlcers just don't get it.
Since he asked you for your Christmas list, I would definitely give him one. I'd rather see the money spent on you than on twinkle twat. What do you like to have right now? The divorce request can come later, but I'm sure there is something you would love to have and wouldn't think of buying for yourself.
I hope that you can find some time to pamper yourself this weekend. You've had a rollercoaster week.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Just had a R talk with H. Told him if he can't cease with ow I'd like him to go. H says not willing to give up ow, and not presently willing to go. Told me I was being selfish, putting my needs before kids. Told me their communications are no longer sexual.
IDK.
I'm so tired, I don't know what to think.
Going to sleep (I hope) for a while.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
I'm so sorry that you are having to deal w/this. So, he won't leave...then the master bedroom becomes yours and he must seek sleeping accommodations elsewhere. If accommodations aren't comfortable enough for him, he just might leave. Time to start reducing the amount of wifely things you've been doing for him.
That is a bunch of bs about you putting your needs before your children's. He's pulling crap out of the bag of mlc tricks to make you feel guilty for asking him to leave.
Give yourself a break today. Put your faith in God and he will show you the way.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
So, he won't leave...then the master bedroom becomes yours and he must seek sleeping accommodations elsewhere. If accommodations aren't comfortable enough for him, he just might leave. Time to start reducing the amount of wifely things you've been doing for him.
WISDOM ^^^^
Do you cook for him? Do his laundry? Clean up after him? Do his dishes? Buy groceries for him?
This is a worry I have, that my H won't leave when I ask him to.
He's already been sleeping on the couch for almost a year. No intimacy in the past year either.
I plan on telling him that we are setting a bad example for our kids. S4 has already asked me numerous times why daddy sleeps on the couch. I don't want our boys growing up thinking this is what a normal M is. I want them to treat their significant others better than this.
They don't get a wife AND a girlfriend. That's not how it works!
Goo luck and keep us updated
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
AND, HE'S SOOOOO UNSELFISH!!!!! Gah! WTF! Stick to your guns. If you're willing to shut this down, then call his bluff. OW out, or he's going to be hearing from your lawyer. This disrespect to the mother of his children is selfish.
Is he for real? Oh wait, no, he's in LALA-LAND!
Sorry for being so emphatic, but I've heard this cr*p so often, that I want to put my finger down .... never mind.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Bad times here. I feel like any progress made has been erased - and then some.
H talked for over 2 hours last night. Telling me how
he needs ow in a c capacity right now because it helps him work through things
I have never fulfilled him.
How he wants to be "in love" again
ILYBIDLY
"WE ARE NOT SPLITTING UP AND NEGATIVELY IMPACTING THE KIDS"
It seems like when ever I get on a quasi-even keel he "shares" his feelings with me.
Doesn't expect me to react to what he says. No matter how hurtful - if I do, then he tells me that "this is why I need an ow, because I obviously can't talk to you"
Says the fact that he comes home signifies his commitment.
I told him I would prefer he just go. He won't because "he's not walking out on his children"
I can't see how I will survive 2 years of this. I can barely contemplate 2 hours.
I have my stupid job at least. But boy is it AWFUL. Management gave a ten minute lecture the other day to all employees "reminding us of our 'place', that managers are not friends to staff" Really? I'm 44 years old and working fast food - think I need to be reminded of my status?
Just feeling at the bottom of a deep deep well right now.
Thanks for the vent.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
My biggest fear when I talk to my H is not that he'll leave to be w/OW, it's that he won't leave and still want OW. I completely understand your dilemma.
Here's the thing... He's full of sh!t. You know it. I know it. We all know it!
You can't control if he wants to be with her.
But if he wants her, he doesn't get you. Period.
Tell him that M isn't a threesome. That he has already walked out on his family by pursuing a R with somebody else. That he is setting a bad example for your kids. That he doesn't get a wife and a girlfriend.
You can validate his need for OW without endorsing it.
Good luck, I will be thinking of you!
Oh, and Merry Christmas too
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
Thank heavens for those kiddos, some times I wonder if they are what keeps me from completely drowning in the whirlpool.
