The green green grass of home. (Part 2 )

[Soul.Searching]

Well I guess I'm back on the rollercoaster. H spent hours here today. I was helping him with some things.
He cuddled me a few times. He kept touching me, he grabbed my hand and put it on his,.... He stole a quick kiss on the lips. I just pretty much let it all go.
He said at one stage that I am still his wife,... I replied "For about 9 more months."
I know a lot of people here would look at this as progress but I can't.
I see it as him being horney and wanting to eat cake.
I just can't let myself have that hope. It hurts too much.
He did keep checking/ using his phone periodically.

I know I shouldn't let him do these things but I love him. I miss him. I just want him back. I know he won't come back while I let him eat cake but its just so hard!

At one stage he was showing me something on his phone and I seem he had a contact with the same name as me and then the name of the dating site he found her on. I said " Oh, nice! Your trying to date someone with my name." He went quiet and I said "It's okay, she can have my name but she will never be me" he just had a slight smile without looking at me.

I acted like it didn't bother me but it sux! Why do I let this happen, when I know I shouldn't? I'm so weak when it comes to H.
I have stopped doing a lot of the things he asks me to do but I just want him.
He asked me to lay down and cuddle up to him and I told him he didn't have that privilege with me anymore. I sooo wanted to but I just couldn't. I know he wanted to initiate something and I can't go there while he is seeing other people.
I would loose respect for myself if I did.