Stuck between a hard place and the biggest rock.

[bustorama]

"W is still reluctant to grant me more time with S."

Have you ever asked her why?

No, but it isn't a question I can ask plain : why don't you want me to spend more time with my son?
without sounding accusing.


If anyone had a suggestion on how to ask her to increase my visit time...I'm all ears

You have a few ongoing issues to consider.

One is that the stove (your W) is currently still very hot and is systematically avoiding you. Stop trying to touch the stove. Repeated emails, texts, phone calls, attempts at contact from your end to her for WHATEVER reason need to stop. When you feel the urge to contact her in whatever form, for whatever reason, STOP. Then take a deep breath and look inside yourself at your own emotions, rather than the parts of the situation involving her that you are unhappy or anxious about. Understand that the urge you feel to DO SOMETHING is because you are uncomfortable with the emotions flowing through you, rather than because anything really needs to be done. You typically can control your emotional responses to situations more easily (and often more appropriately) than you can control the environmental circumstances that trigger them. Keep focusing on controlling yourself and your reactions, rather than others. Engage in some GAL as an alternative.

Your urgency to right the ship is a function of your emotions, rather than any real deadline. You can't and shouldn't be trying to rebuild Rome in a day. Right now, you are basically trying to rebuild a house that is still in flames and just adding more wood to the fire. Back away from the fire (your W), and take stock of your tools and building materials (yourself). As others have said, your primary focus right now should be on rooting out your own rotted wood and broken tools that have contributed to the collapse of your marital home through GAL, reading on relationships, and perhaps some individual counseling/therapy.

From what you have written here and on other threads, I agree with others that a productive area for you to work on is to really listen and empathize (not sympathize, empathize) with others, including your W. The fact that your W tends to hear your questions as accusing (or that you anticipate she will hear you that way) suggests that she has tended to feel accused in the way you approach her or present your needs/desires/thoughts to her. It IS possible to ask questions in a way that is not threatening to others (especially your partner) and even to appear vulnerable to them. If you have not already done so, consider picking up a book called "Hold me tight" that is a sort of Bible of emotionally-focused therapy as well as one of the classic books on Boundaries (Cloud/Townsend). They will help you implement 180 degree changes in how you ask for things that are important to you while still being non-threatening/aggressive to your partner.

(I probably would not do this now with how hot she is, but the convo might start something like:)

"W, I can only imagine how hard it is for you not to be with S all the time. How connected the two of you are and how important it is to you that he be loved and cared for the right way. I get that and appreciate what a great mom you are to our S.

While I am not you, it also hurts me like crazy not to be with him, realizing what I have been missing out on. It is important to me and, more importantly I also think, to his well-being that I play a bigger part in his day-to-day life than I am now. I want to work towards a more equal parenting arrangement. I would like to hear your wishes and concerns re: how best to raise our S together."