Stuck between a hard place and the biggest rock.

[eyesopen]

Bruce,

Since it seems that you are now only trying to get involved with your son, I would let your wife set the pace. I would also be grateful for every moment you get with him. It is probably the most difficult thing in the world to seperate a child from their mother. You need to start slow and build the trust with your wife. I would also suggest that when you do return him home that he is not hungry, and he is clean(clothes, face, and diaper).

I know you think you are entitled to time with your son, and you are, but I think it is in your best interest to slow down a little. Take the time you get with him and prove to her that you are a worthy father. Hopefully in time you will have the 50% that you would like.

Good luck

[MrBond]

"No, but it isn't a question I can ask plain : why don't you want me to spend more time with my son?
without sounding accusing."

No you don't ask like that. You watch your tone and you ask her like this... "I would like to have our son for a longer stretch of time. Do you have any objections? If so, what are they? I want to be sure you're comfortable with it."

You haven't shown much tact when you talk to your W in the past. This might change her mind.

[Big Bruce]

Eyesopen and Mister Bond,
Thank you, I understand. I just sent an email with what I thought could be a possible time schedule for the coming days and next week.
Adding little things like :"if you have no objection" and "just want to make sure you're comfortable with it" and "I'll bring him fed and clean".
My own proposition is still very unsufficient, but I have to take it slow for the moment.
(Saturday the 22nd, I fly back to France, so it will be no visit time at all for 2 weeks.)

Then I start work again and have to ask as much time as I can. Looks like the court hearing will take place on the 18th Jan. and I hope that by then :

1. Either W has made a big step in sharing S, and even soften her heart, and her lawyer has convinced her to not push it, and we won't have to go.
or
2. We still have to go, but at least there are all these visits to back up my request. (Not as outlandish as "he hasn't changed a diaper, and now he wants 50% custody"...)

Either way, my best shot is to love my son above all.
Does that seem the most sensible thing to do for now?

Bonsoir,
B.

[MrBond]

That's much better. Just be careful not to assume you understand your W's actions. ALWAYS get clarification if you're unsure.

[eyesopen]

Either way, my best shot is to love my son above all.
Does that seem the most sensible thing to do for now?

Bonsoir,
B.

Bruce,

I think you will find the more time you spend with your son, you will wonder why you ever asked that question.

[Big Bruce]

Good evening,
Yeah I agree, that sentence came out funny.
I meant, all I can do now really is ask for more time with my son and take care of him. I do it for S and I, (and if that can help with W, even better).

Today I had him by myself again, and I decided to make him take a bath. When I took his nappy, it was dirty. So he took his bath (he cried a lot), and then I placed a new diaper. It is my first official dipaer change!

I will make a small account by email of how it went to W, and be sure to included that, (as if it was nothing).

When I brought him, "she wasn't home". When I called at 8:45pm nobody picked up the phone. WHen I called back at 9h15 pm, the brother picked up but "she wasn't home".
I have the BIG impression she does not want to speak with me or see me. I haven't seen her for a while now.

What do you think if next time when I bring S, if her parents tell me "she's not home", what if tell them that they don't have custody, only W or I, and therefore I am not giving them my S. And that W can come pick him up at my place when "she's back".
This way, she will have to see me, not happy in ther beginning, but at least she'll lose the habit of "not being home" or avoiding me, and she'll pick up the habit of having to see me to deal with S things, instead of delegating the handing over and reception to her parents.

How about that?

[25yearsmlc]

NO Bruce...stop trying to control things like your wife...

You cannot force someone to see you. Even if it "worked", it would mean she'd stay in the car and "authorize" someone else to get him...

or hate and resent you more for forcing yourself on her. Stop this crazy train of thought. Get a grip.

As I said, and it has NOT changed, your best shot at making her avoidance look unecessary & possibly silly,

is you leaving her alone, being calm and kind to your son, and backing off of time with HER....

she does not want to see you. Respect that. For now, accept it. Deal w/it.

Love time with your son or this whole experience will look like a charade for you to see HER and be with HER and that the son is merely an inconvenient part of the package.

Also I would NOT tell her you had to bathe him rather than clean or change a diaper. It sort of means you avoided the hard part. It's not as bad as you are making it out to be. I Dare say every man on this site has changed a diaper by now.

Join the club...and stop trying to force her to see you. Stop the game.

Just be a good dad and trust that it will have to be enough.

You've spoken of faith. If you have faith,

then trust that if you are becoming the best Bruce you can be,

you can leave the results up to God, and be at peace.

[bustorama]

"W is still reluctant to grant me more time with S."

Have you ever asked her why?

No, but it isn't a question I can ask plain : why don't you want me to spend more time with my son?
without sounding accusing.


If anyone had a suggestion on how to ask her to increase my visit time...I'm all ears

You have a few ongoing issues to consider.

One is that the stove (your W) is currently still very hot and is systematically avoiding you. Stop trying to touch the stove. Repeated emails, texts, phone calls, attempts at contact from your end to her for WHATEVER reason need to stop. When you feel the urge to contact her in whatever form, for whatever reason, STOP. Then take a deep breath and look inside yourself at your own emotions, rather than the parts of the situation involving her that you are unhappy or anxious about. Understand that the urge you feel to DO SOMETHING is because you are uncomfortable with the emotions flowing through you, rather than because anything really needs to be done. You typically can control your emotional responses to situations more easily (and often more appropriately) than you can control the environmental circumstances that trigger them. Keep focusing on controlling yourself and your reactions, rather than others. Engage in some GAL as an alternative.

Your urgency to right the ship is a function of your emotions, rather than any real deadline. You can't and shouldn't be trying to rebuild Rome in a day. Right now, you are basically trying to rebuild a house that is still in flames and just adding more wood to the fire. Back away from the fire (your W), and take stock of your tools and building materials (yourself). As others have said, your primary focus right now should be on rooting out your own rotted wood and broken tools that have contributed to the collapse of your marital home through GAL, reading on relationships, and perhaps some individual counseling/therapy.

From what you have written here and on other threads, I agree with others that a productive area for you to work on is to really listen and empathize (not sympathize, empathize) with others, including your W. The fact that your W tends to hear your questions as accusing (or that you anticipate she will hear you that way) suggests that she has tended to feel accused in the way you approach her or present your needs/desires/thoughts to her. It IS possible to ask questions in a way that is not threatening to others (especially your partner) and even to appear vulnerable to them. If you have not already done so, consider picking up a book called "Hold me tight" that is a sort of Bible of emotionally-focused therapy as well as one of the classic books on Boundaries (Cloud/Townsend). They will help you implement 180 degree changes in how you ask for things that are important to you while still being non-threatening/aggressive to your partner.

(I probably would not do this now with how hot she is, but the convo might start something like:)

"W, I can only imagine how hard it is for you not to be with S all the time. How connected the two of you are and how important it is to you that he be loved and cared for the right way. I get that and appreciate what a great mom you are to our S.

While I am not you, it also hurts me like crazy not to be with him, realizing what I have been missing out on. It is important to me and, more importantly I also think, to his well-being that I play a bigger part in his day-to-day life than I am now. I want to work towards a more equal parenting arrangement. I would like to hear your wishes and concerns re: how best to raise our S together."

[Big Bruce]

Bustorama,
I knew you were good. But this last paragraph, c'est puissant !

[Big Bruce]

OK, resolve for the new year :

- Not TOUCH THE STOVE WHILE IT'S HOT.
Until now, it was almost a rule : contact her at least once a day, lest she forgets me.
The reason is that if I don't contact her, guess what happens? Bingo, she doesn't contact me either... I tried to go semi-dark in the begining, as a 180 test, and this is what happened. Thus my fear...
I will force myself to not initiate contact several times a day.

- I WILL LET THE HOUSE BURN DOWN BEFORE REBUILDING.
Although I already thought a lot, and learnt big time, I must now be a patient man, If the opportunity is given to me again, not blow it a second time.
Also, if she doesn't have the feeling she lost me, she has no reason to want to find me again.


- LEARN TO LISTEN AND EMPATHIZE.
For one, it will help me communicate with W, and allow me to ask questions without coming across as mad or manipulating (or accusing).

There. Thank you. Bruce

P.S. I have sent a version of the little text about her wishes and concerns about raising S together, because I have to answer very very soon about a day care spot that opens in January, or it'll go to someone else. Spots are rare here. I need her to agree to give me S every other week in January.
But the court hearing is only Jan. 18, and we don't know the result (although we wish it is 50-50%).
Unless I pay 600$ in January to secure the spot, (even if nobody shows up), but what a waste of money.