From Survivng to Thriving & backslides in between.

[AntoniaB]

LoisB I think if you want to wear any rings you wear them. I know that sometimes people end up selling their rings because they need the money. One friend sold hers to pay for the divorce lawyer. But I ended up going back to wearing mine. On Valentine's Day this year I put my rings back on my right hand. I will always wear them unless/until I buy my own rings that I like better. I think they are beautiful and I don't associate them with the marriage anymore. They are just beautiful rings I own, and so if I want to wear them, I will. Contrary to what people say, NO MAN has ever looked at my hand and assumed I was married from them.

To be honest I've spent a fair amount of time lately trying to change the conversation about my ex with family and friends. The anger and hate they feel towards him is really almost out of control. My friend posted something on fb and my ex responded to her (they are still connected on fb though they dont' talk). My sister immediately messaged me that seeing his name made her want to vomit and she wanted to just write "Eff you!" I said "really? I just feel sorry for him trying to get her attention. She won't respond."

I refuse to have my family and friends reduce my marriage to the last 5% or less of it. It is as if none of the rest matters or existed, and it DID. I was THERE. He was a good person to me. We were naive and we both made mistakes long before his MLC, and that's not his fault. Despite that, we still had a marriage better than a lot of people's, and we spent an enormous amount of time together and I do believe he really loved me deeply, until he didn't.

The other thing is that they want to be happy for how much I've changed, how independent I am, and all my resiliency and accomplishments since my own breakdown, but they won't admit that NONE of that would have happened if we'd have just stayed married with him hiding the way he felt and me being clueless and dependent. I know me best, and I know that I'd never be the person I am now if he hadn't done the worst possible thing ever to me. It sounds crazy, but it's true. He LIBERATED me.

So while I hate what he did and my heart is broken and I may never even see him ever again (a real possibility) I am not going to reduce him to the guy he changed into, and I'm not going to act like my marriage wasn't a really good one for a very long time. This is really the reason behind the novel I've started writing. I want to set the record straight.

I think if you were married a long time and a majority of that time was good, you have every right to celebrate those years and REMEMBER them, and if the way you remember is to have a picture somewhere or a ring on, then so be it. This idea that we are supposed to be shamed into silence about our pasts is bothersome to me. It forces us into this victim status. If your husband had died, I just don't think people would question you continuing to have photos out or wear jewelry. Well, these people metaphorically died, so we can't just pretend they never existed.