Ok what I'd like to say, that for me the first step that helped me really start to make my way out of feeling so horribly crushed was to really accept that his MLC was not my fault.
If you read through all these issues in this thread you will see how their behaviors will start to make you feel like this insanity is all your fault.
If you're a compassionate and empathetic person, like I am, this will hit you even harder, and the ability to not internalize this is pretty impossbile... up until you get a life line such as this thread and this reading material to shed some light on the real truth of what's going on.
My XH's MLC and anyone else's MLC really is all about themselves and serious issues their psyche is trying to process and be dealt with.
The only way I was able to understand that was to READ, READ, READ. This particular thread helped me immensely for my Xh had all but maybe 2 of these issues, and still does.
Im a concrete details kinda person. So for me, reading this and the pieces just clicking together like wildfire helped me to see that this wasn't my fault. This really is what was going on with XH (H at the time).
Through seeing these are issues with him, I was then able to start working on the other BIG thing to bring me one step closer to THRIVING.
Hi Sweet Briar! Thanks for dropping in and posting! It's good to hear from you.
I understand how hard this Holiday Season is for you, I really do. I know I can't say anything to make the pain go away, because no one could do that for me. All I can say is New years Day I was so relieved that I survived the Holidays! I was still down but I then believed if I could make it through that, then I could make it all the way. I just had to keep putting one foot infront of the other.
One thing that's helped me through backslides and tough times is to accept that I still grieve over the loss of my husband no longer being in our family. It's ok to grieve the loss and sometimes it's just a relief to admit thats what's going on. It just dawned on my that my girls and myself still are grieving the loss of him walking out on us. This is part of healing.
Sometimes we just don't have to be so brave all the time. Put down the bravery and feel what you need to feel. The wave will eventually pass, and then give you more stamina to carry on with being courageous as you become stronger.
Even though it feels weird with them not around, remember that having the priveledge of your children with you, and you being able to see them grow, and learn, and be there for the most special things is a gift that you get to keep. Unfortuneatly these MLCers are missing it. That makes me sad. But right now that's the choice they've made.
Kimmerz I'm totally feeling the same thing and have been meaning to post. It's still a rollercoaster, just not a very violent one anymore. In 2010 my Christmas was horrific--last year it was I guess "defiant" more than anything as I was in this "erase all evidence of XH mode" and just try to pretend he didn't exist because I was processing the death of my pet. Now this year, I'm like you, really kind of excited for the holidays, and sort of being really full-on with work I have to complete so I can get a week or two of nothing but vacation and holiday shopping and time with family and friends.
But XH has crept back into my heart, very stealthily, and I have no clue why. (since we aren't in contact). I got out decorations and found this little boot his mom gave me when we got married that I vowed I'd NEVER put out again, and there it is, on my entertainment center. I put the ornament on the tree of the married kitties that I gave him as a wedding present (we were married 12/21). I vowed I'd never put that out again. Now I did put the boot along with 2 things that remind me of my last 2 cats to pass, so in a way that's my area of "things that are no more that I want to remember." But still. Where last year I had to put these things away, now I'm back to wanting them out.
I even contemplated putting a picture of us back up. I didn't.
I don't know what to make of this. I can't say it's oppressive loneliness, because I've grown to value my solitude and my freedom to do what I want and live the way I want and answer only to myself. I don't need him anymore. All the panic I ever felt about taking care of myself or my cats or my home or whatever is gone. Now any time something happens I just deal with it. I don't even get that feeling anymore of "you left me to deal with all this alone, wah wah wah!" I just handle it all.
On a logical level I don't want him back because I don't think we are right for one another anymore and I don't see how the new me could ever live with any version of him. I've been telling myself for what comes to years now that I'm better off without him. I've PROVEN to myself that I am in a ton of ways.
And yet.
I feel like in my heart I'm STILL on some obscure level tied to him, standing even. Not that I wouldn't follow a new relationship to see where it went if I met someone I liked. I would. But I'm afraid to say that I feel like unless someone else comes into my life who trounces my XH in every way, I will always, and forever, love him the most.
It has taken me a long time to admit that, and it scares me to admit it, because it feels like a backslide. I don't want to backslide after all this progress. I feel like what I've been coming to in my mind, this knowledge that yes, I do want him back on some level, is a dangerous thing to play around with.
I don't think it's just the holidays. I think that in general I spend an enormous amount of time "running" from this reality, and when things wind down and I get less busy, that's when I can see the truth, and the truth is that I do feel that there is a grievous "wrong" in the universe that needs to be set right, and the only way that can happen is for my XH to "wake up" and reconcile with me, and I know logically that it is likely never to happen.
So I don't know if this is some strange level of acceptance/forgiveness of his acts, or if it's a major backslide that I have to come back from. I just know that it's been eating at me and I guess it's best to get it out in the open.
So thanks for posting the topic. We can survive and thrive but on some level we still feel that thread of connection and maybe we have to accept it will never, ever go away, and just learn to live with it, even if we are the only one holding onto the thread.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Great to hear from you! Im glad you did a heartfelt post. Basically that's how I feel about my situation with XH at the time too.
I've taken the rose colored glasses off and realized my marriage was not good the last several years. I've realized that our relationship at this point and time is so unhealthy that he and I have no business being together. I have no desire to be with him now because he is just not a nice person.
Im enjoying being single, but yet do miss an element of marriage at the same time.
Yet at the same time I hold the good times we had very dear and close to my heart. I guess XH does too....the girls told me he's mentioned funny things that happened with us in years past with alot of laughter. I've heard from my SIL she feels XH misses family times too by the things he says and does. I didn't get details about what he says and does, but she's noticed that in him. I trust her.
Honestly I think we're still energetically connected to these people. Perhaps even if they appear as if they've just gone on without looking back, they're still thinking of us. Honestly look at us, who've chosen to keep walking forward and appear to not be looking back and putting on the act of our lifetimes "as if" we're fine, and they're never coming back.
The only difference is, we're here posting about what's really going in with our feelings and sharing it. AS for them, I highly doubt they're doing the same.
Yep Antonia, that's what I've wondered. Will I always feel this connection to him and have to deal with these waves of emotion for the rest of my life? Am I still holding on? Or is this just grief?
The only thing I know to do is accept that's how I feel and just let it wash over me.
Kimmerz you really get what I feel. You sound exactly like me, the stuff that runs through my head. It's no longer a feeling of trauma, the edge is really gone. Wistful? I don't know how to describe it.
I'm trying not to view my rel. with my ex as some sort of holier than thou thing for the many years it was really good. Not trying to put it on a pedestal. I mean, people break up all over the world every day. Millions of relationships fail. But I guess for me, it was the one and only ever time I was truly and deeply "in love" with someone, and I think the thread that I still hold connecting me to him comes from the feeling that I cannot ever feel the same way again about anyone.
I'm not saying I can't love someone else. I can. But I can't love someone else with the same lens as I loved or still love him, the same "innocence", if you will, because I am so drastically changed inside. I will always have trust issues the rest of my life. I will always remember the suspicions I had that were confirmed. I will always remember that what I believed to be 100% bona fide true love eventually was rejected. And all of this has changed me in such a way that I cannot imagine ever really giving my heart completely to someone else. EXCEPT FOR HIM.
So like you, I do feel like this is something I will live with the rest of my life.
A very close friend of mine lost her husband to a heart attack in his early 40's. Very suddenly, no warning. She was alone for 3 years or more. He was the love of her life. It nearly destroyed her. She threw herself into her writing and publishing and career. (she is a friend to me and my mentor). Well eventually she met someone, and she resisted him for so long, and he pursued her. She told him that her first husband had to be a part of their marriage, that the love for him she had was so all-encompassing that she could not/would not simply edit him out of the conversation. This man is very secure in himself and he's fine with that, fine with her mentioning her first husband from time to time, talking about memories, leaving photos up. And she often says to me that she believes we have many soulmates, that her first husband was one, so is her second, so is her best girlfriend, etc.
But when I talk to her, I can see through everything, and I know, that as happy as her second husband makes her, she still loves her first more. It will always be that way. She will always wish that he had not died. She had an innocence with him that she can never recapture, and the second husband is great, but he's not the first nor can he make her stop wishing that the first wouldn't have died.
That's how I feel about any potential future relationship. No matter who I meet, no matter how wonderful he is, that I will always love my ex the most, despite what he did. It's not because I need him or can't live without him. It's just because that's the way it is.
And that's a sobering thought. I guess this is what being a grownup feels like ;-)
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
My H and I just separated a little over a month ago, and that's all I can think about is what a horrible Christmas this will be. I am not even sure how anything is going to work. I'm happy to hear that you are in a much better place this year.
M38,H39 M:16Y BD:8/12 OWDB:11/12 S:11/12-5/13 "Temp" home:6/13 OW dropped:9/13 "I love you":12/13 H ring on:2/14 Depression back:5/15 "I'm done:" 7/15 H moved out: 3/16 H moved back: 12/16 Working on us: 3/17
Well Antonia, I guess what it really boils down to is that these men were the love's of our lives.
Period.
I had my first love, but husband was the love of my life.
I know I was my XH's first love, but love of his life, it's hard to say. Honestly I think I am, even if I am tooting my own horn a bit. He won't ever find another like me, that's for sure.
The man he is now is just plain awful. But, I still value our marriage of 20 plus years. I value the memories and pictures. I miss the ring. I actually wore his ring on my thumb for awhile. It felt like he had died and I wasn't wearing it for the guy he is now, but the guy I married. My mother gave me all sorts of disapproval and $hit when she noticed it. So, I took it off.
I won't ever love anyone like I love/loved him. It's just a fact. I hate that the situation (his insanity) has robbed me of the ability to wear a ring or keep out a family picture without getting strange looks. I'm angry about that.
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I hear ya Lois. I still can't bear the thought of hawking our wedding rings for money. Im holding on to them if it gets to that point but still, I really value the good times.
I guess what is so weird is that myself and my girls honestly grieve the man we once knew. The girls still talk about good times when he was here, and I still remember them and cherish them. Then to look at him now and witness the insanity, I mean he looks like the man I married but he sure the heck doesn't act like him. Honestly, Im not ashamed to admit it would've been easier if he'd had died. I guess in a way he has, at least the old person I knew.
Lois I understand your anger, oh boy do I. I still go through it. I guess the only difference between now and a year ago is that when he annoys me, Im irritated for anywhere from 10 minutes to an hour maximum, then it's done. A year ago it would take me a week sometimes two to cool down. And at that time he was cycling so darned fast I was either extremely irate or just a heap of tears.
Now, Im just constantly annoyed. The stuff he's doing now is just so silly and stupid, and honestly so 10TH GRADE!
I decided to go back on my anti depressants. It dawned on me that Im mildly depressed, though still doing much better and have come so far. Im just a little too darn irritable anymore, concentration is really a challenge for me, and all I want is to be left alone and not bothered.... all the time!
