I have decided that my H is having a MLC. I guess I feel like I need some sort of validation, so here's my story.
H and I have been M for almost 12 years. We have two young kids, S5 and D2. We both work full time, I have a long commute. Since our second child was born, we have been drifting apart (although it took our separation for me to really realize it) but have been happy, or so I foolishly thought.
Everything awful started in April. H's best friend was murdered-shot in the head in his business and found the next morning by his stepfather. Needless to say, it was very unexpected. Heartbreaking-the thought of someone being shot and dying alone is enough to break anyone down emotionally. No leads, no arrests, no closure for family and friends where the murder is concerned. We went to the funeral (in H's hometown) and came home. H was very broken up and spent most evenings on the phone with his BF's family. BF was an only child and was very dear to his niece and cousin who are both around our age and both female. I was there as much as I could be for him but he was constantly on the phone with BF's niece, cousin and mother to help them deal with their emotional distress after the murder. This left him emotionally spent and basically left him so tied up that he was unable to deal with his own grief.
Went back to H's hometown for Memorial Day. We had this trip planned long before his BF was murdered and planned to spend time with his brother and his family (wife and two boys). H spent most of his time at his BF's house with BF's family. I was left with the kids, which wasn't bad except he took our truck with him every time he left to go to BF's house. I had no way of taking the kids anywhere. It didn't occur to him to have me drop him off so I could do things with the kids. I ended up taking a spill down the stairs one evening and bruised my tailbone and was left in considerable pain. He went back to BF's house after I fell and wasn't back the next morning, as his BF's mother got drunk and decided to take her sleeping pill before bed. They had to call an ambulance and spent quite a bit of the night at the hospital. The next day, H wanted to go visit his BF's grave for the first time since the funeral. We had discussed going together on the way up; I thought he could use the emotional support. He ended up telling me he didn't want me there. It was just going to be H, Niece, Cousin and another close friend-the "people that knew BF the best". To add insult to injury, while H was at the cemetery, it became clear to me that S5 had pink eye. It was Memorial Day, we were out of town and the walk-in clinic closed at 5 or 6 pm. I sent him several text messages (while he way lying on his BFs grave bawling from what he tells me, which makes me feel terrible) to ask when he would be back, as I had no way to get the kids around. My BIL and SIL did not have a car big enough for all of us and did not have a car seat/booster seat large enough for S5.
We discussed/argued the horrible weekend several days after coming home. He said he needed my support and that I didn't give it to him. I said if I had known how the weekend was going to go, I would have stayed home with the kids so he could visit with BF's family. I felt as if I had been shut out. He didn't need me to grieve-he needed them. He needed space in my mind. It ended up being the worst decision I could have ever made. I kept my distance and let H have his space.
Several months went by and in August, we had a small argument over something he said to me over dinner. We have never been the fighting type, so this was highly unusual for us. He says he's been unhappy for a long time. I suggest counseling and he agrees. I should also mention that Niece left her husband only maybe a month prior because they had not been intimate for nearly seven years. This sends up red flags all over the place for me but to this day, H insists he is not having an affair with her.
We went to one counseling session and H dropped The Bomb on me 10 days later. I got the whole nine yards-ILYBINILWY, I haven't loved you for years, I've been unhappy for years, etc. Moved out five days after that. When I asked him why, he said I was selfish, he always took care of me and I never took care of him, he had given and given and just couldn't give anymore, every time he stopped 'trying' things fell apart. I heard from mutual friends that he complained of my affinities for Pottery Barn and Disney World, which I think are such garbage. He says he told me that he basically hated both and I never listened to him. I should mention that we both earn very good livings and my 'hobbies' above did not put us into any debt.
Our therapist did tell me that he was in denial, she cautioned him against moving out and going forward with a divorce only 5 months after his friend was killed and said she saw several other red flags in his behavior. That was the last she ever shared about anything dealing with him. He did go to therapy (because I asked him to) for about six weeks. He told me the therapist released him. I mentioned it to her and she said, "therapy is for people that acknowledge they have issues and want to fix them," basically confirming his continued denial about the situation.
H refuses to link his BF's murder and our relationship issues and says they were just "bad timing" and that he's been unhappy "for a long time".
He moved in with his parents for six weeks and got his own place a month ago. No papers have been filed yet. I have mostly just kept my distance except for two weeks ago when one of our dogs died. I stupidly asked him why we couldn't work it out and that was the WORST thing I could have done. I will NOT do that again-it was foolish and weak.
I am moving on as best I can. I see him nearly every day because of the children. I cannot fix him, I cannot save him, I cannot change him. Those are things he has to do for himself. He is clearly desperately unhappy and blames it all on our marriage but I think he was so busy helping his BF's family immediately after the murder that he did not have a chance to work through his own grief. He is an internalizer and basically spent the time I thought was "giving him space" to grieve to mourn not his BF but our marriage (or so he says).
I should mention that everyone that knows us has been totally shocked at the news and says how out of character this is for H. I have to confess that in the last few days, I have been wondering how in the world things could ever possibly work out, but I have a very strong faith and have been clinging to the advice given in Romans 12:12 "Rejoice in hope, be patient in suffering, persevere in prayer."
After reading some of the MLC threads on the site, I should mention that H was adopted; his parents told him at age 9. They had his brother two years after they brought him home. His brother is their natural child (it took them 13 years to have my BIL). He has never sought his birth family. His information is out there in case they go looking for him but he has never gone looking for them. Also, he has fibromyalgia, a propensity for joint problems and IMHO has chronic depression which he has taken meds for on and off throughout our relationship. He has a love affair with alcohol and used to drink after I went to bed. I discovered him doing this several times throughout our relationship (and I'm sure there were many more I never discovered). I think he is an alcoholic because he drinks alone, hides it from me and gets angry when I mention him drinking to excess. He will also be 40 in February. For some reason, this information seems important to tell you.
For those of you that are still with me after this novel, thoughts? There's still more to the story but I've already posted so much...
You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. -Christopher Robin to Pooh
Romans 12:12 Rejoice in your hope, be patient in suffering, persevere in prayer.
Sounds like script to me. They all say the same things and do the same things it never ceases to amaze me how all these sitchs are so similar. My H said many of the same things as you. My bomb drop occured after a hellish year which included H's favorite aunt passing away, his mother's health failing, a stressful work year and crappy shenanigans with his son from his first marriage. Of course that was all my fault. Everything still is my fault. Apparently it's even my fault too that he's having an affair because he lived in a hostile environment for 14 years. Whatever.
Others will drop by to comment. Hang in there as best you can.
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
Your story sounds mighty familiar - this same scenario happened a LOT in the wake of September 11. Grief-stricken firefighters comforting the widows and families of their fallen comrades, ending up bonding in their grief and having affairs.
The fact that the niece has just left her husband? Mighty suspicious.
Now - maybe they were having an affair, and maybe they were just emotionally bonding without acting on it - yet. WHo knows. But I'm willing to bet some variation on this scenario is operating here.
Sounds like a perfect storm for MLC - approaching 40, depressed alcoholic, grief over loss of friend, bonding in that grief with friend's family.....
These are powerful forces at work, forces you don't have control over.
SO what do you do? Focus on YOU. Work on YOUR issues. Fix any of your REAL issues (no, liking Pottery Barn is not why he left, don't worry! In fact, if that's the best excuse he can come up with, you were probably a pretty good wife!)
Go to Alanon meetings - you H definitely sounds like an alcoholic, these meetings can help you through.
Work on getting your financial house in order, so that you will be ok even if H does not return, or even if he spins out of control.
Drop the rope - don't beg, cajole, contact - act the way you would if you KNEW you were the best thing he ever would have and KNEW you were going to move forward to a WAAAAYYY better life without him.
But be kind - I know, it makes you angry as h3ll, but he really isn't in his right mind right now. Trust me - you'd rather be you right now, even with all the pain, than to be him.
I agree with the above posters, you are going through an all too familiar situation. When it happened to me I was dumbstruck to learn it is so common yet so unknown. I mean, we all know the "joke" side of it, but the "dark" side gets no press.
Hang in there. Some days will be fine and then you'll get hit by a rogue wave of pain
Take a deep breath! Detach. Read. Post here - it will help to connect with people who really "get" what you are going through.
Best of luck to you.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
GG, I'm sorry that you are here, but you are among some of the most wonderful people who will be here for you. There is always someone around, so please feel free to come here to chat, vent, etc.
Your h may not have had a physical affair, but he could very well have had an emotional one w/the niece. I have to say a red flag went up w/me as well after reading she had left her h.
Sounds like your h has a lot of issues to deal w, i.e., childhood issues, death of friend, etc., and you are right, you can't fix him. He has to do it himself. Drinking is not helping him, but to him, it chases the demons away for a short period of time. Self-medicating is done a lot by the mlcers and your h is turning 40 as well. Counseling will not help him until he's ready to listen and face his demons.
Have you looked into Alanon meetings? They would help you better understand how to deal w/your h. Although, I do think, from your posting, you've already got a good head start on detaching and taking care of you.
I know it's difficult, but you need to keep the focus on you and your children. Be sure to protect your assets and financial information. Have you set up a separate checking/savings account for yourself? You may want to do this. What about joint credit cards? You will need to do the same thing w/them. While he is in crisis mode, he very well may be spending money like water and you do not want to end up w/his debt while he's out on the street.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you everyone for the warm welcome and the support. That is why I am here.
I have separated myself finanacially from him and thankfully we both knew that was a necessity at the beginning of our separation. I always had guilt about being a working mom and now know that it was the best decision I ever could have made. He is paying child support to me faithfully, so for now things are fine. I don't know if/how that will change as he goes through the stages of MLC. I have seen one divorce atty that I didn't like very much and will see another one next month simply to have someone there to protect my interests should I need it. I plan on including language in the divorce (if we get to that point) to ensure that even if he takes a job that pays him less than he makes now or if he ever has more children, he still owes me his current level of support. I will take him to the cleaners if I have to in order to protect my children and my own interests. This is “his” divorce, not mine and he can pay for the whole d@mn thing as far as I’m concerned. I am so fortunate that I earn a good living and will be able to keep our house so the kids have stability.
It took me a whopping four days after he dropped the Bomb to figure out that this was a MLC. I had an epiphany in my suffocating grief while at work and Googled it. I clicked on the first link that came up from About.com and about fell out of my chair. It described him and his behavior to a tee. I confess, none of my friends really understand. None of our very close friends are divorced and they certainly have never seen anything like this. That’s another part of why I’m here. Whether we work it out or not is something I can’t worry about at this point. I detached to the best of my ability the moment I figured out it was a MLC. I didn’t even cry the next day when he packed a bag and said goodbye to stay the first night away from our home (not for travel, clearly) in nearly twelve years. I’m not worried about him and the Niece because it doesn’t matter how I feel about it. I DO think that it is very possible that he will leave town in a few years and marry her simply because I’ve always felt that he desperately wanted to be a part of that family for “real”. If he married her, his position would be cemented in place. His BF’s sister would be his MIL. He has already sort of taken his BF’s “place” so to speak in family dynamics from what I can tell. After the BF died, he called his BF’s mom every other day to speak to her (more than his own mother with whom he is very close) and provide support. He’s so wrapped up in that new life that this one will soon pale in comparison because he will still be unhappy. He has yet to discover that it’s nothing on the outside-the source of his unhappiness is inside. The BF’s family is where he learned to drink like crazy, as they are all pretty much alcoholics and don’t see any issues with it. For them its a cultural norm. I drink much less now that he’s gone, not surprisingly.
It helps so much to have people around that “get it” and have walked a mile or more in similar shoes. I have detached from FaceBook and other social media to spend more time with my kids and focus on myself but need an outlet of some kind; the anonymity here is good for now. This isn’t exactly the kind of stuff I want to plaster all over FB.
I’m an extremely strong, intelligent woman with emotional fortitude that won’t quit. I have accepted my fate for now but still pray that somehow, someway God will intervene and help us work it out. I know that God has a plan for my life. I’ve been through awful tragedy before and this just reaffirms my faith. Like so many of us here, patience is the virtue I struggle with most and this will certainly test my patience like it has never been tested before. I’m in for the long haul, so I’ll settle in and hang out for a while.
Again, thank you everyone for your welcome and support.
You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. -Christopher Robin to Pooh
Romans 12:12 Rejoice in your hope, be patient in suffering, persevere in prayer.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra brand new and improved list of link
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Gator Girl, that's a crock, and I know you know it.
I just wanted to chime in too and let you know that my XH said many similar things to yours. Many, Many, Many. And it helped me to read your situation and remember that my XH in MLC sure the heck isn't the only one that follows these scripts.
My XH too went into MLC after a very traumatizing 6 years, and it all started with my mom dying. He started getting really weird after that and took the death of my mom harder than I ever expected. 6 month later his grandfather unexpectedly died, then 3 months later he almost lost his own life resulting in him losing his job he had for 15 years. A about a year and a half after that he lost his grandmother.
So the death of someone close most definately is a catalyst for this MLC. Oh nd XH left 2 times prior until the final exit resulting in divorce.
I agree you sure seem to have a goo grasp on the situation, no matter how painful this is.
Im glad you decided to post! We're all here to help eachother anyway we can. Believe me this isn't your typical run of the mill separation/divorce scenarios. This MLC Business is the bootcamp of your emotional/spiritual life!
