My last couple posts have been all over the place, so this isn't completely surprising. I came across this post on Crimson's thread yesterday and wanted to pull it in here as a resource for insight into the WAS. What an awesome post!
Originally Posted By: Lostinscared
Oh boy… you think this is an easy question, but it’s probably one of the most difficult to answer and truth be told, I think it’s why I came back here. Because I’ve really been in limbo for the last year as to what to do and I’m far more frustrated with myself than anyone is with me.
Mach said it when he said that DB was real great at teaching us how to detach but not very good at showing us how to reattach.
When my H left, I was devastated (as many of us are on here), but I had the breakdown of breakdowns. Detaching for me became a matter of survival… literally. And there is trauma for me associated with that. The idea of letting him back in terrifies me because what if I get back to that breakdown again? And everyone can swing bats at me regarding nothing in life being guaranteed… intellectually, I get this, but the heart isn’t always so intellectual. There are days that I look at my H and I want to reach out to him, I want to hug him, I want to kiss him, I want to tell him that I love him back, I want the same things I’m supposing that he wants. But the fear can be paralyzing. Because some people seem to suffer trauma more deeply, they are far more scared to risk going back to that dark, ugly place.
It is so easy as the “wronged” spouse to be angry. To not understand. To stand on moral high ground. To be angry over affairs, nasty exchanges, seeming indifference or whatever… Now, sitting on the other side, I can tell you for sure that there are real people, with real trauma and real feelings behind the actions. I’m sure my H could come on here and tell you that he has tried so hard. He has been present. He has changed. He has taken care of me financially. He’s taken care of me when I’ve been sick. He has tried to stop drinking, stop working so much… and he would be right. Am I now the evil one because as the former LBS, I'm now the WAS? The issue resides inside of me. How do I resolve the issue in me?
I find it interesting that your W says she would have trouble dating. Very interesting. What she seems unable to articulate at the moment, is that she doesn’t trust ANYONE with her heart. This is so much more about her, than about you or your R at the moment. What she does understand is that she’s sad. And she’s trying real hard to get that figured out. In the meantime, she’s letting you into some pretty vulnerable feelings, something I’ve largely found myself unable to do. This is why I’m asking you to hang in there and not go dark. Because what she is doing is so damn hard and I’d really hate to see you blow the whole thing to kingdom come. Try to focus on what you can do to help her at the moment and less on the R. I know this sounds incredibly selfish on the part of your W. But again, instead of us demonizing and naming their actions, we’d be far better served in actually trying to figure out from where they come and try to help them out. Make sense?
Some of the subsequent posts said to keep being kind and give her time. Others advised to cut loose in order to light a fire under her (C's wife.) LIS indicated that that would have been the end of her M for her, that she would have just let go. I think it would be for mine, too.
LIS stated it well that DB does a great job of telling us how to detach, but not good at all in telling us how to re-attach. I'm thinking about starting a thread in the WAS forum for ideas/suggestions on how to re-attach. Even some LBS's have had to deal with this sometimes when they become the WAS.
