trying to save my marriage Phase 2

[notsurewhat2do]

Sounds good. Glad you have talked with a lawyer.

I had a good counseling session last night. It was DivorceCare "Surviving the Holidays". The faciliators where a married couple, who both had been divorced. The lady was married for 16 years and for 13 years of that her husband cheated on her, he eventually died of Aids (gave me prospective that my situation could be so much worse!) Her husband didn't give his full story, other than he was seperated for nearly a year when he finally woke up one morning and decided it was time to sign the papers. He was remarried within 4 months and divorced 18 months later. They both agreed that I needed to set boundaries for H. He bascially comes and goes when he wants in our house. He still has a lot of stuff there that he doesn't need at the moment. The wife said I should set a time frame for him to remove his things. The husband disagreed, his gut instincts (and they have been doing this DivorceCare Support group for 15 years together) was that my H is in mid-life crisis and depression. That he will eventually "wake-up" and want to come home. It will completely be up to me at that point, so MAKING him move his stuff would be like shuting a door for H. So he suggested I do nothing yet. I don't communicate with H, unless necessary, so like you the more I don't hear from him, the more I think he is loving his new life. I don't know if that is true, I just know I need to give him time sort things out on his own, make his own decisions (no matter how much I disagree with them) and work on myself. WE CAN DO THIS!!!! Keep your head up and focus on DD!

AND, the one thing I did learn last night was keeping things the same at the holiday's isn't always helpful. Sometimes you need to mix it up. It's hard for me because so many of our traditions are family (extended) based, but I plan on doing something different with DD this Christmas Eve (if I can get my parents to agree). Maybe start a new tradition of pizza and movies... something different and NOT Christmas related.
Also, they suggested having a firm plan, something to look forward to. Maybe on Christmas Eve you invited girlfriends over to make cookies, or you and DD make and decorate cookies. Or maybe Christmas Eve church service? Just plan something to help get you through the time. I'm lucky this year, I only have 3 days off and back to work. It doesn't give me much time wallow in self pity. My H is coming over Christmas morning to do presents with DD and I. She wanted it. But she is older and understands much better than you're DD. But it will be hard for both of us. The husband leader said last night, that just remember, it's as hard if not harder for H to walk into the house he lived in as a visitor and try to do the "normal" things. But I look at it this way ... his choice.