My wife wants to separate

[SM34]

Thank you for the motivational comments. I see you have some little ones in the family too. I tried to find your original post to read about your stitch but couldn't figure out where it is.

Anyway, I would like to focus on why you think I am 'in a good position' for a minute because that is music to my ears. Why do you think that? Because her new R is based on attention only? She says he is a great guy but really she thinks that because she knows his brother who is married to her friend. She doesn't know the guy himself.

It is hard to detach when she is there all the time. She is acting like we are just friends now. I saw one success story where the H took the approach of being her best friend and it worked out for him. But I can't help feeling once you are just a friend that's hard to come back from. But I guess the I'm was just a friend and things escalated.

Any other comments, tips or words of wisdom. Please bring them on!

[KLB]

You are in a good position because:

You've recognized the problem.
I imagine your W has been telling you what her issues were, but in your position you weren't able to hear them. Her telling you her issues probably sounded like she was listing your failures. With your business in decline, you were scared and naturally became defensive. Your priorities got screwed up and you thought that by succeeding in business would solve all the problems, or at least give you the confidence to start working on your marriage.
But now you've been slapped into reality and know that your marriage is what is most valuable to you. That is good.

You are here.
The reason so many marriages fall apart is because people don't know how to be married. They don't have a plan or a system. Now you have one. And you have a number of great folks who have been working the system for quite a while. I know it may be weird that people are here for long time. That's because there are two people in their marriage. And one of them isn't following the system yet. But you just have to dedicate yourself to it and pray that your W will see the change in you and will become interested in it for herself. I hope you are reading the DR book.

Your W is crazy right now.
Inside her head there is a roar of fear and anger and hope and guilt. She may act calm and decisive, but inside she is a storm. And she doesn't like it. And she blames you for that feeling inside. This is your OPPORTUNITY. This is how you may be able to get her to come back. But it will take a while.
The OM is attractive because she doesn't really have a relationship with him. He is the pure promise of perfect calm and fairytale love.

You have time.
Your W is giving you a recess from the marriage. You can stop worrying about what you did wrong. BUT you now need to focus on what you want to be as a husband. Being a good husband doesn't require your W, because being a good husband is something you do. So decide what kind of man you want to be. And start being that. Start practicing being that man.
This is where the detaching comes in. To keep her beliefs alive, your W needs you to do all the things that bothered her. She needs you to be a bad person. She needs you to fight, and beg and cry and say you were wrong, and crawl after her and spy on her and get angry. When you detach, you will do none of those. You may feel like doing them, but you need to use your Mind and common sense and choose to not do anything.

Let her go. Let her be free. Be happy for her. Be happy for you. Be happy around her.

Right now, she is like a dog on a leash. You are holding her back and the more you pull, the more she will pull in the other direction. Let go of the leash and she has nothing to pull against. Yeah, she may run wild, but she will look over her shoulder and wonder why you let go. When she looks back, what do you want her to see? A whining, sobbing, angry man, or a happy, confident man?

That is why I think you are in a good place. All that stuff above is good stuff and will help you. And I screw it up and whine and cry and spy once in a while. But I am getting better at practicing what I've preached above. And my W is still running. But she does look back now and then.

So, if I were you, I would (and I have done these, mostly):
1. Detach. Control your emotions. Don't let her actions control what you do or feel.

2. Go out with people. Twice a week, at least, go do something with other people.

3. Spend more time with your daughter. Really enjoy her.

4. Compliment 3 people every day. Don't do it to make them feel good. They maybe grumpy or sad and not respond. Do it because you are a nice guy who pays attention to people.

5. Say one thing nice to your W everyday. You have to do this EVERYDAY! No forgetting. And it has to be and sound undeniably sincere. You can only compliment her looks twice a week. Everything else has to be about what she does.

6. Make a list of how you would be if you were the husband you want to be. But none of the items can refer to your W. For example, don't write, "I would make love to my W everyday." Instead write, "I express my love physically and passionately."

7. Start doing the things on your list. Think of ways that you can do them without your W. for the example above, you could start hugging people or doing the 2-hand handshake.

8. Get your business in shape. This doesn't mean stay there all day and night. Get it in order so you DON'T have to be there all the time. If you do this you will stop resenting it as much.

9. Say to yourself, "this is where I am. Now what can I do that will actually make it better?"

10. Start doing small scarey things. Little challenges, just outside your comfort zone. Talk to that pretty woman standing in the Fruit and Veggie section without trying to pick her up. Try a new sport. Take a dance class and laugh through it. Look for little challenges and do them. You need to build your self-confidence and little challenges are the best way of doing it.

I know that is a lot, but I think it will help. It all helps me when I do it. You are going to have great and terrible days. For the terrible days, watch something funny. Watch cat videos and think how hilarious it is that a grown man is watching cat videos.

[KLB]

RE: Your Wife is Crazy right now

This is your Opportunity because she has chaos in her head. She blames you for it. So prove her wrong. Don't cause turbulence in her. By being cool and collected, by putting up no fight, by letting her have her way, you undermine her internal story of you. She thinks you're the problem. So don't be. After a while her internal story will fall apart.

This is where she will begin to trust you again.

[SM34]

But are we all sure that our W has chaos in her head? They sure seem to act calm and collected. I sometimes worry if I am helping her or enabling her R with OM. Some people would have thrown her out of the house and maybe the tough times would make her realize that yes, she was missing something in her marriage, but that it can be worked on, and that there are so many other good things in our relationship.

But I feel like having still in the house gives me an opportunity to work on things (with myself) and have her see that I am working on them. I bought the 5LL yesterday and I think she is going to stay with OM tonight so I will be reading it!

I need some help with goals. Since you all know my stitch, can you suggest a few goals?

Also, who has done a DB phone coach session? I have not yet because I wanted to have read as much as possible before hand but I am starting to feel like time is being lost and I need to schedule one. What are your thoughts?

[KLB]

She appear calm because she feels she need look like she knows what she's doing. She has taken the action to end the marriage. Which makes her the leader in her mind. She has to put on a brave face or you wouldn't be worried about her leaving you. But inside, I guarantee there is all sorts of scared and disparate feeling and thoughts.

Goals for the R are pointless right now. Seriously. If she isn't working with you on the Marriage, you can't make goals for it. I'm also serious about the goals I listed above. You are the only thing you can work on.

Sit down and make a list of what you would do if you were the kind of husband you want to be. Those will be your goals.

I know you want to have some clarity and definition. But there isn't any. There is no secret anything that will get your W to turn around and come back. You have to be the one that draws her back. Pay attention to that. You have to be so attractive to her as a husband that she comes back to you. You cannot pursue her.

Time wise, plan on 6 months after you detach before you start to see a change.
But you are going to have to work on yourself consistently and diligently. It is hard work. At the end of 6 months, you should assess the overall situation and decide what need to happen from there. (This is my plan, anyway.)

[KLB]

Sorry for grammar mistakes. I'm writing on an iPad.

[SM34]

KLB thanks again for your wisdom. how did you gain so much wisdom in just a few short months?

So the chaos in her mind is definite? Because that would be a relief for me, and would also support my feeling that we still have a chance. We are very close in our friendship and we rarely ever fought about anything. We literally just had an intimacy and affection issue.

i had tried several times in the last couple of months to alert her to what is going on in my head. I felt that she had started to not respect me or hold me as highly as she used to, and I felt a large part of that was that I was not as successful anymore. I asked her to try to be more supportive of me. I also told her that for me to get into the mood for intimacy, with all the stresses and worries in my head, we need to cuddle and kiss etc.. for a while before we start. But she always wanted me to be ready to go whenever she was, and thought that every man is ready to go whenever. I began to doubt myself, and my manlyness, except now that I have done some research, it seems this is more common than I thought.

because we did not feel as close to each other in a sexual way, it was hard to get excited. At the same time, i think her hormones changed drastically once we had our daughter, and then shortly after she turned 30. She began to need to have sex much more often than any other time in relationship. At the same time, I am needing it less and less, and need more assurance that she still has faith in me to turn things around financially. I wasn't providing her with the affection she needed, and she was not reassuring me that it was OK that we were going through a rough patch and that it didn't matter to her. I needed that reassurance! So, I realize that of course the lack of quality sex was the straw that broke the camels back, but its a two way street and I had to have gotten to this point somehow. I remember her asking me 'How come we never have any money to do anything anymore?'. Those are the kinds of comments that killed me! i told her that I hate to feel like I was not providing for her as well as I should, and that it hurts a mans ego to feel like a failure. i don't know who started making the other feel not so good, but I now realize where we both went wrong. had she been willing to say hey lets go to counselling before I leave you, we would most likely have uncovered this. Instead, i have been wracking my brain trying to figure out how I got to the point where sex was not so important. I was always a horn dog lol

What complicates things is that she gained a lot of weight during and after her pregnancy (probaly 70 lbs) and still has not been able to lose it. I told her before i didn't really care and that she had given us a wonderful baby girl, and that is what is important. But I think she needed constant reassurance that she still looked good and I didnt provide that. When I asked her what this OM has that I don't, she said he calls me gorgeous everyday and in every message he sends me he tells me how gorgeous I am. Sheesh. So, my lack of sex drive, her sky rocketing sex drive, her weight gain, and me not reassuring her she is still sexy, and her not assuring me that I was still a good husband even though we were in a bind right now. That is what got us to this mess.

So, I need to come up with some goals. i really need help with this part. It seems most people struggle with this! I know I want to start working out because like said in my very first post, she liked my big arms that I had years ago. I need to get in shape! I have already lost 20 lbs since the bomb just because of the stress so I need to expand on that.

Any ideas?

[SM34]

KLB you suggested that I need to compliment her every day about something she did. Also, twice a week I should compliment her looks. Is it too early to start the looks comlplimenting given my previous post? OM is very complimenting and so I don't want to seem like I am just doing it now just for the hell of it. I need her to feel it is sincere. perhaps the 5LL book will shed some light on this. I plan to read it tonight.

[SM34]

Sandi2 I was wondering if you could shed some light. I heard you were once upon a time a WAW and now have reconciled with your H. right? Where can i read your story? Also, can you offer some insight as to what thoughts you had when you initially left, and then how they changed over time? What made you change your mind? Thanks

[SM34]

OK Something big just happened and I need some input. My wife just messaged me that she finally told her child hood best friend what is going on and about the OM and that she is leaving me. She says her best friend was hurt that she did not tell her sooner that she was not fulfilled in her marriage. I messaged her back that I was sorry for what I have done.

Why would she tell me about being unfullfilled for so long? Did I answer it right? I wanted to show her that I know where I fell short.