The green green grass of home. (Part 2 )

[theUF]

Honestly, I don't even know why it hurts so much. I don't want a part time husband anymore. H seems happy enough with things the way they are. He can go out and party whenever he wants. If that's the life he wants, then who am I to stop him?

I can relate. I have the same feeling sometimes. When I, X and S is together ususally we have such a great time. When I leave I wish it could be like that all the time.
However, focusing on what isn't, won't help us do anything productive.
I try to think of it like this, although there is a lot of negative it's better to focus on the positive. Some day the sitch may take a turn for the worse, or just no turn at all. I don't want to be left with the feeling that I've wasted the positive focusing on what was negative.

I really need to work something out for the nights. Once the kids are in bad and I'm finished doing stuff for the night, the pain comes back.

How are your sleeping patterns? Do you go to sleep at normal times?
If I get up early every day, work or not, I find I'm often too tired in the evening to ponder on the sitch. Sleepless nights can be pretty rough when things are down.

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks guys. It is definately a whole lot easier these days than before but it's still hard. Mainly at nights and trying not to think of H in the day.
I just realized that, that was a goal I made a month or so ago.
To leave my greaving to nights and not let it interfere with my days. Maybe it worked a little and I didn't even realize.
H still enters my thoughts way too much in the day.

I'm going to let the kids do their rooms on the weekend if we get the chance. It's going to be another very busy weekend.
The kids are upset at not having all the lights outside but there's not much I can do about that. I can't do the roof ones, I don't even know what part of the roof that H used to put the leads through.


My sleep patterns are all over the place but that's normal fo me. I have sleep disorders, so it's something I have been dealing with for years. I do notice it's worse if I don't get enough sleep or even if I get too much.

[Soul.Searching]

Well I guess I'm back on the rollercoaster. H spent hours here today. I was helping him with some things.
He cuddled me a few times. He kept touching me, he grabbed my hand and put it on his,.... He stole a quick kiss on the lips. I just pretty much let it all go.
He said at one stage that I am still his wife,... I replied "For about 9 more months."
I know a lot of people here would look at this as progress but I can't.
I see it as him being horney and wanting to eat cake.
I just can't let myself have that hope. It hurts too much.
He did keep checking/ using his phone periodically.

I know I shouldn't let him do these things but I love him. I miss him. I just want him back. I know he won't come back while I let him eat cake but its just so hard!

At one stage he was showing me something on his phone and I seem he had a contact with the same name as me and then the name of the dating site he found her on. I said " Oh, nice! Your trying to date someone with my name." He went quiet and I said "It's okay, she can have my name but she will never be me" he just had a slight smile without looking at me.

I acted like it didn't bother me but it sux! Why do I let this happen, when I know I shouldn't? I'm so weak when it comes to H.
I have stopped doing a lot of the things he asks me to do but I just want him.
He asked me to lay down and cuddle up to him and I told him he didn't have that privilege with me anymore. I sooo wanted to but I just couldn't. I know he wanted to initiate something and I can't go there while he is seeing other people.
I would loose respect for myself if I did.

[theUF]

Good for you keeping your self-respect! And I think you're right, if he can do pit stops with you, then why would he want to change anything?

Early after BD my X wanted me to lay down with her whatching TV, but I didn't. She hasn't initiated anything since, so it didn't help US, but it helped me. Some things has to be done for ourselves, regardless of outcome.

There is still a lot of emotions there, which is why you let him do things he shouldn't and visa versa. I also get stunned sometimes by myself "why did I just do that?" "why did I let her do that?". I guess that's why we are told detach, detach, detach.

What's your plan ahead?

[JuneReN]

Hey SS, I truly think it is the time of year, I have been struggling like a fiend and we have to see that tomorrow when we wake up, we will still be in this place, regardless if it's Christmas or not. I think it is a fake it kind of month. I felt a heck of a lot stronger last month and as I get nearer to the holidays, see the ornaments, wrap the presents, it gets harder and harder.

So you are not the only one struggling here, for sure. I can't offer much advice except if I can do it so can you. My goal today is not contact H first and have great time at movie tonight with kids. That's it, a small one. Of course starting from now, because he already emailed this morning pertaining to an email I wrote and then I kind of digressed...but it is HA (husbands anonymous). I start my baby goal just for today, maybe tomorrow I will make another

Got a baby goal?

[Soul.Searching]

The last goodbye,.... I did it and it hurts like hell!
H has been spending a fair bit of time here the last week or so. Only day visits but still. He had been putting his arm around me, grabbing me, stealing a kiss etc.
so lastnight I tried to call him about Christmas and he didn't answer his phones.
well today was D's concert. I asked him if he spent the night with "her" lastnight, he said yes. I also worked out that he had spent the day before at the park with her and her kids. I told him that maybe we shouldn't hang out anymore. He asked why and I told him that it hurts too much. His over her touching and cuddling me when he wants to be with someone else. He said he didn't mean it like that. Whatever that means!

So I told him we could be friendly but not friends. I told him it hurts me to see him with the kids. It hurts to hang out when I know he wants to be with someone else and not me. I told him I removed him from my newsfeed, so I couldn't see that girl liking all his status updates.

I gave him a cuddle and told him to take care of himself. I had tears, I tried so hard to hold them back. He was solom.
He said if that's the way I want it, he said if that's what helps me.

So it's done! I feel like in one way I have just made it easier for him to go to her.
I feel like I just gave in and stood down. It hurts soo much.

It hurts to have him here knowing his heart is somewhere else. I love him so much.
It was starting to make me feel like OW. I don't want that. How can someone feel like OW to their own husband. It's not right.

I don't know if I have made the right decision or not but its done.
I was going to wait until after New Years but I needed to let go of my fears.
Fear was the only thing stopping me from doing it.
I'm still scared, scared if I made the right decision or not.

I just can't be a door mat anymore. I'm worth more than that.

The hard thing is D was so happy to have him spending time here and I feel like I just took that away from her.
This is so darn hard. I feel like I'm the WAS but I don't wanna be.

I'm so hurt and confused right now. It's going to be so hard.

[subguy]

SS, yes it hurts and it sux. I'm afraid you need to let him go, move on with your life. Look at yourself and make the changes you want to make in your life for you. What is it you would love to do in life, maybe it's to be a motorcycle racer lol? Just go for it. Live your dream and the rest will fall into place. Show your children how to have a fulfilled life. Sometimes life kicks us in the balls, it's really about how we respond to those pains that's important.

DB like crazy, write your 180's that you want to change. List your goals and be specific, what are you gonna do tomorrow to achieve them. Come on girl, lets get on with the rest of our lives!!! I'll say again DB like crazy and things will start to fall into place.

Just live!!!!!!!!!!

[Crazyville]

I'm so sorry, SS! (((()))) I KNOW that had to be so hard! I hope you can settle your mind that it was the right thing to do. The great thing is that just because it is what it is now doesn't mean it will always be that way. I hope you can focus on the positives of your future. You sound like a great person with great ideas and a lot of enthusiasm for life! Don't let that suffer because of "him." Your kids (and you!) need that right now.

Keep in touch with us here and we'll talk you through it.

[Valeska19]

(((SS)))
I'm sorry that your heart hurts so bad. I completely understand the position you are in.

My X didn't cake-eat but she temp-checked every once in awhile. The few conversations we did have often lead to confusion and failed expectations....

...it would take me weeks to get myself back to being normal.

... so I cut it off. It will be a year come this January.

There will be times when you will regret your decision.

There will be times that you will search for ANY reason to break your boundary.

There will be days that you despise that life has come to this and you had to lose your best friend with your spouse.

But.. you have to remember that your heart has been severely wounded and like any other wound - it can't heal if you are constantly picking it open.

CV is completely right. The decision you made today is not forever. I believe your heart will heal and interactions with H won't always be so painful....

... and when that time comes, you can make a new decision to set yourself on a new path.

How much time? Who knows. The healing process can't be rushed.

So until that time comes - be gentle with yourself. Love Yourself. Love Others.

And Live the Life that You Want to Live.

((( )))

[Soul.Searching]

Subguy, I haven't actually written down 180 and goals. I guess I should actually do it. Thanks Cv and Val, i know your both right. It just sux.
I have realized a lot of things in the past few days.
I have accepted my new reality but I'm still stuck in hoping things will change.
I have been trying this whole time to suppress my feelings. It's worked to an extent but they always come back. Suppressing things is unhealthy in the long run. I need to feel my feelings, even if I don't like them.
I've been trying to convince my self that I am okay.
Well there's a huge difference between pretending that your okay and actually being okay.
I can't rush the healing process. I have to let it take as long as it needs to take.
I know these things are all regularly said around here but I tried to convince myself I was fine and moving on with my life.

Well I'm doing my best to move on but I'm not really fine.
I'm continually fighting urges to contact H. It's so hard, especially knowing OW is involved.
H was supposed to be picking up the children on Friday because he didn't have them last week. Well now he might not be. He said at one stage he will just have them every second weekend over the holidays. WTF?
That suits me fine but I'm sure the children won't like it.
We will just have to see how it plays out, I guess.

He sent me a message the other night after I told him about not hanging out.
"I'm sorry for hurting you I didn't mean for that to happen I was happy with us at one stage I don't know what happened I think we both just grew apart and we made each other unhappy I don't think I could love any one the way I loved you not the same way any way you were the only one I ever cared for or loved but not being happy now and falling apart it's only fair that we both have a chance to find that some one"

I don't understand that message but oh well.

Things are really hard for me right now. I hurt, I fear, I resent what his doing.
I'm trying to fully accept things and allow myself to feel.
Tough times.

Oh also H is living with MIL, I have always been pretty close to her but lately she has been cold and distant. Yelling at H for spending time here etc. I told him myself but I hasent spoken to her about it and I feel she was pushing him further away. I thought she wanted us to get back together?
I just don't get it.