i keep typing responses (i think) and then rushing away and not posting. so hi and lots of stuff going on with you. I can't help but feel it's a good thing for your h to share what he's feeling. i don't know- i'm no expert - merely a person who has the other extreme. he sure says nice things about you and to you - i'd kill to be part of a verbaliized rememberance of some happy memory or time. i think i'm nuts sometimes - if i'm the only one that even remembers the happy days. my h cannot apparently associate one good thing in the universe with me or his head will explode (or something).
Total desert when it comes to any info flowing back my way. I'd say your not talking is great- it's sooo hard isn't it? it's good tho- i still strive for same thing. it's so wierd and such a giant waste of time- this business of trying to get one guy to talk - trying to get one guy to shut up - allll this strategy and fiddling around. life is too short for this sort of agony & crap i think.
any minute either of us could die and what the heck would all the pain and bother have accomplished?
as i'm sayin that i can see where in phone conversation last nite - casual phone call - i sometimes slipped a bit below pleasant and i'm sure h can smell the irony (below-surface sarcasm). i need to quit it- i want to be all "sweet " and so on. (for me - it's so in-human feeling to try and act like a stepford wife and not be myself (whoever that is now) who the heck knows???. i sure hate being one stinking ten minute segment of his life.
oh well- onward & upward. you're doing great it seems and i'm glad of that. i'll just use you as a good example and keep plugging away.
i'd say as weekend approaches and i suspect he sees ow - and is all happy about it - tail wagging. i just hear it in his voice - it still hurts to see someone else being the source of that kind of pleasure- it's hard to not be that to him. it is impossible to not notice it.
i know- i know- worry about what i'm doing and do not think about what he's doing. i'm not obsessing- i just do notice in passing the bad feeling- shove it back into the dark recesses of the brain- and just "get busy". i wake up- think "oh crap - this life STILL" - THEN GET up and get going and don't stop.
it sure takes a long long time to un-care. i shouldn't be writing first thing in the morning- it's my "down" feeling time.
i'm doing it tho- because of all the un-sent junk last several days. don't want ya to think i'm not out here somewhere..
good luck with this new road you guys seem to be heading down (somewhat) i know, expect nothing. i keep telling myself- i guess we all do.
when he's not here- i have to keep reminding myself that when he is here he still is not "here" with me. i slip into my usual self of thinkng he's still a part of my life. it's so wierd , well, something. i don't know really whether i should be glad he didn't just run away and is still around - or if it would have been more merciful if he had the guts & integrity to be honest years ago and give me the axe. it would be over maybe now- isn't that a pleasant thought- over one way or the other - but no living "this". as usual - tho- (darn it) no easy answer - i might have spent last bunch of years so miserable i'd think this looks good - who the heck knows????
oh well- need to get the heck going- need to mail stuff today- then think (really) about what the heck i have for christmas gifts here for people, etc. it's going to be a wierd christmas (again)
what the heck do you give someone who is tormenting you? the perfect gift for your jailor - wonder what martha would recommend???? oh well- it's all such a shame.
